The signs you’re suffering from mum burnout – and six tips to fix it
WALKING into the school playground after three hours’ sleep, reeling from a tiff with your partner, you suddenly remember you forgot the kids’ packed lunches.
About to implode, you fantasise about the days pre-children when your time was your own – then you feel guilty.
This could be just a typical parenting day, or it could be the hallmarks of parental burnout, warns Dr Sheryl Ziegler, psychologist and author of Mommy Burnout.
She believes the condition has worsened after the Covid lockdowns, when parents had to care for their children 24/7 with limited support.
“The pandemic was the turning point for a lot of parents,” says Dr Ziegler.
“Divorce rates rose, people’s economic situations changed and children were delayed – socially, cognitively and academically – so more need additional services. These things are all a huge strain on parents.”
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What is mum burnout?
According to a 2021 survey by Ohio State University, 68% of female parents reported feeling burnt out compared to 42% of males. While both genders can suffer from parental burnout, the odds are stacked against women.
“We are mothering in a unique time of pressure, with more mothers doing paid work than ever before, but often still shouldering the majority of the parenting, domestic and mental load,” says Zoe Blaskey, founder and host of the podcast Motherkind.
She believes the main cause of mum burnout is: “Giving too much for too long, without support or a way to release the stress and yet still feeling like you’re not doing enough.”
Dr Ziegler says her anecdotal experience with clients suggest dads transition through their days easier than mums, who tend to be the ones to get the call from school when their child is sick, for example.
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“Dads aren’t usually sitting in a meeting and thinking about their child,” says Dr Ziegler, who believes women generally carry worries and concerns with them, while men are better able to compartmentalise.
The survey also found the number of children in the home, kids with ADHD and parental anxiety were also risk factors for burnout. “Statistically, women have higher rates of anxiety and depression compared to men,” says Dr Ziegler.
“As burnout syndrome is not [clinically] recognised, a lot of women will get diagnosed with depression when it’s actually burnout,” she adds.
There are differences between burnout and depression. For example, a symptom of depression is that you find no joy in activities you once loved, like reading.
Burnout, however, can make you feel too exhausted to do it. It can usually be attributed to one area of life, such as work or parenting, while depression is an overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness.
See your GP if you have persistent symptoms.
Spotting the signs
Burnout is usually a result of workplace stress that is unmanaged.
While it is not a medical condition, it has been classified as a syndrome, meaning a collection of symptoms or signs associated with a specific health-related cause.
In terms of parental burnout, Belgian psychology researchers Isabelle Roskam and Moïra Mikolajczak, who have been studying it for several years, describe it as a state of intense exhaustion in which a parent becomes emotionally detached from their children, and doubtful of their capacity to be a good mother or father.
Signs may include limited tolerance, feelings of isolation, poor sleep, brain fog, confusion, forgetfulness and, above all, increased stress.
“If you’re constantly feeling this way, it’s most likely to be parental burnout as opposed to regular fatigue from being a busy parent,” says Dr Ziegler.
Zoe agrees that it’s an extreme tiredness that won’t shift.
“It’s snapping way more than you want to at your children, feeling a hot rage that you can’t control, or going through the motions of caregiving but without the joy it used to bring. That then brings feelings of guilt and shame that you’re not enjoying motherhood, and those feelings further exhaust you.”
There are physical signs, too – muscle pain, headaches or stomach aches, for example.
These are a result of stress hormones and tiredness, according to Dr Jenna Vyas-Lee, clinical psychologist and co-founder of mental healthcare clinic Kove.
“If you wake up and think: ‘Here we go again,’ or: ‘I just can’t cope,’ more than a couple of times a week, it’s most likely to be parental burnout,” she says.
Understanding stress
Mum burnout can be very isolating. “It’s really important to seek support from a friend, family member or a parental mental health support organisation such as PANDAS,” says Zoe, who also covers burnout on her podcast. Treating burnout requires a commitment to tackle it over time.
“It’s vital that mums understand how to release the stress they are feeling, because it’s holding on to it that is a huge contributor to maternal burnout,” says Zoe.
“We’ve been told that the secret to avoiding burnout is to avoid stress – which is impossible as a mother – but stress isn’t the problem at all. It’s only a problem when we don’t find a way of releasing it and so don’t complete the ‘stress cycle’ that tells our bodies we’re now safe.”
How to make changes
As wonderful as it would be to end the day with a long hot soak in the bath and meditation, the reality is more likely to be wrestling the kids into pyjamas before falling asleep in one of their beds.
So try to weave scientifically proven stress-busters into your day.
“A short burst of physical activity – 10 minutes of boxing or HIIT, for example – and simple breathwork are proven to complete the stress cycle,” says Zoe.
It’s also vital to make sleep a priority, so avoid screens and snacking in the evenings, and keep the lights dimmed to prepare your body for rest.
“We also need to fuel our bodies with food that regulates our blood sugar for consistent energy levels,” says Dr Ziegler.
Try porridge with berries and nuts for breakfast, and prep high-protein salads for weekday lunches. For dinner, keep things simple – pop a tray in the oven with chopped vegetables, olive oil, a little feta cheese and lean meat, and keep the fruit bowl topped up for healthy snacking. But go easy on yourself – “beige foods” are a must sometimes, too.
“Lastly, have an accountability partner,” she adds.
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“This could be a friend, family member or colleague, and you tell them what you want to do – whether it’s a regular walk in nature, taking time to apply a face mask or reading a book. It’s someone other than yourself who can either do these things with you or hold you accountable to reinforce these habits.”
- For help and support, visit Pandasfoundation.org.uk.
Do you have parental burnout?
If you answer “yes” to three or more of Dr Sheryl Ziegler’s questions, you could be experiencing burnout.
- Do you wake up still feeling tired, even after the weekend?
- Do you feel detached and unsatisfied?
- Do you struggle to concentrate or focus on tasks?
- Do you often feel angry, irritable or impatient?
- Are you withdrawing from those around you?
- Do you have trouble sleeping?
- Are you getting sick more often and for longer?
- Do you have headaches, stomach aches or muscle tension?
- Do you think you shout at your children too much?
- Are you disinterested in sex with your partner?
- Do you find yourself drinking too much alcohol?
- Do intrusive thoughts impact your day?