Cellulite, six packs and wandering hands: My night of naked speed dating
After trying dating apps and singles events, Almara, 28, gave naked speed dating a go to try and find romance
SAT at a trendy South London bar after work on a Thursday night in nothing but a pair of knickers, I struggled to take my eyes off the man opposite me - and his penis, which was perched on the bar stool in front of him in all its glory.
This was naked speed dating - an event set up in the London where lonely singletons could go in the hopes of meeting the man or woman of their dreams, inspired by the Channel 4 show Naked Attraction - where people judge their potential partners on a primal, physical attraction.
I'd been single for three years, and, having tried dating apps and singles nights, I figured maybe it was time to ditch the sophisticated first dates and see how whipping my kit off worked out for me instead.
But even I was frazzled as I found myself in a room at the Exhibit bar in South West London with 30 people, all stark naked with boobs, balls, penises and vaginas on display for everyone to see.
The room was filling up with faces - all aged between 25 and 35 - and I was impressed to see it wasn't full of odd-bods, in fact everyone was pretty attractive.
One of the organisers gave me a cute little blue polka dot robe to change into and directed me to the female changing rooms which had been set up at the venue.
Despite the fact the men's tickets sold out in a week - I suppose the appeal of naked bodies might’ve had something to do with the upswing in sales - the ratio of men to women was equal.
Us women were directed to sit on one bank of seats where we'd remain for the course of the evening, while the men spent four minutes with each of us before moving down the line.
Once the rules were explained, all but one of us took off our robes and let everything hang out.
Like most women and men, I have certain hang-ups about my body. I’m a curvy lady, and some parts are rounder than I’d like them to be – the result of an undying love of bread.
So I was a little anxious about showing it all off, but I didn't need to worry.
Something for everyone
Bodies of all shapes and sizes, featuring cellulite, clean-shaven and hairy genitals, stomach rolls and six-packs were all proudly on display.
At first, I kept my robe wrapped just below my waistline so my breasts were out but my vagina was hidden. But after my second chat, I let it drop to the floor.
I was expecting hard-ons left, right and centre, but the gentlemen kept their members in check. I suspect it was very hard – if you’ll pardon my pun.
Feeling awkward as hell, I decided the only way to get through the night was to embrace the naked vibes, so when the first man arrived at my table I stood up and did a twirl to show off all my bits.
Sam* introduced himself as a 32-year-old man from South Africa.
We had an instant spark, but it was hard keep up the conversation because we were too busy ogling each other - it was a real turn on.
Sky-high sexual tension
The next man that came had a c**k ring that was wrapped around his penis - a heavy contraption made of three metal rings bound together with a brown leather strap - that was designed to keep him from getting an erection. He told me I had "beautiful tits" and I gave it a tug – the c**k ring, that is.
The only man who kept his drawers on was Jordan*, who told me he wanted his lady of choice to have "something to look forward to".
As the night went on, I felt more and more relaxed and the sexual tension in the room went through the roof.
Part of me had expected the night to turn into a full-blown orgy, but while everyone was allowed a good ogle, touching was not allowed.
Naked attraction
But hands definitely did wander - during the break Sam brushed my boob and I touched another man's penis.
Once our time was up, we were told to put our clothes back on and meet back in the bar downstairs.
The announcement was met with disappointed sighs because everyone was having too much fun naked.
Speaking to the other women in the changing rooms, everyone was feeling empowered, sexy and pretty turned on.
Now, I know what you’re wondering – did I find love at naked speed dating?
Not quite. Though, I did find lust – with Sam. Although we haven’t met up again after that night, let’s just say I can confirm that his equipment functions perfectly, and I woke up feeling satisfied.
– after the initial ‘what the hell am I doing’, we stopped caring about the elephant – or genitals – in the room.
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It’s proof of what I’ve long suspected; that people are tired of swiping for love, and ending up in a never-ending loop of ghosting, Netflix and chill and catfishing.
Research also shows that unless you decide to organise a date within six messages on a dating app, you’re probably never going to meet up.
I'll certainly be going back.