Bizarre unveils our annual celebrity gongs with a twist, as we announce our first ever New Year’s Dishonours List

FOR many years, Bizarre has proudly handed out annual prizes to the great and the good of showbiz.

But after a series of cringe-inducing antics and embarrassing incidents, I’m making 2019 the year Bizarre finally hands our most excruciating stars the accolades they truly deserve.

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This is my inaugural New Year’s Dishonours list, which sees the worst offenders given MBE (Most Boring Entertainer) and OBE (Outstanding British Embarrassment) Bizarre Awards, along with a couple of my very own knighthoods and damehoods.

David Beckham has spent the last few years shamelessly lobbying for a knighthood.

Once again he misses out. So today, I’m making desperate Dave our first dishonourable Sir after another 12 months of relentless self-promotion.

It has seen him get a hair transplant, launch his Miami football team and continue the charade of being the perfect family man while constantly trying to gloss over his marital woes.

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I’m bestowing a lesser honour on his wife Victoria in recognition of her joyless refusal to team up with the Spice Girls in 2019. Very much an MBE in my book.

Joining David for the top gong this year is Katie Price, who I’m making Dame Katie after she finally hit rock bottom.

Racking up thousands in outstanding tax bills and encountering a string of legal problems has not stopped the reality TV joke from flaunting herself at every possible opportunity for all the wrong reasons.

She quite literally bared all in staged photographs on a Thai beach in a pathetic bid to reclaim the limelight.

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Katie later admitted setting the whole thing up.

And she paraded another disastrous relationship across her reality TV show while grumbling about “intrusion” into her private life.

Nobody deserves my dishonour more than Katie.

Today is when Her Majesty officially dishes out real New Year gongs to a host of worthy recipients — and inevitably one or two less deserving names.

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Here are a few you won’t see queuing up at the palace any time soon, but still deserve the spotlight to fall on their antics.

Step forward Lily Allen, Liam Payne, Jack Fincham and Dani Dyer . . . and many more.

This is your moment.

David Beckham - Knighthood

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FOR services to toadying. It’s no shock Becks has again failed to make the New Year Honours list, despite cosying up to the royals.

He chewed gum during Prince Harry’s wedding. He hired lawyer “Mr Loophole” to dodge a speeding fine. And to top it all he called his marriage to Victoria “hard work”.

But don’t worry Becks, you’ve finally got a knighthood – from me.

Cheryl Tweedy - OBE

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FOR betraying the art of dance. That oh-so awkward X Factor performance which saw her lick her hand didn’t boost the position of bland comeback song Love Made Me Do It, which limped into the charts at No19 – and neither did her moaning about journalists writing about it.

One thing’s for sure, nobody is going to be doing “the hand lick” on dancefloors in 2019.

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Liz Hurley - OBE

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FOR services to cringe-worthy parenting. Once famous for her tight safety pin dress, now it’s Liz herself who looks clingy.

She pushed the mother-son relationship to awkward new limits this year by forcing 16-year-old Damian to take revealing shots of her in bikinis.

Posh Spice - MBE

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FOR her disservice to Girl Power. Victoria is the ultimate MBE after turning her back on the band which made her famous, to focus on her high-fashion brand.

Her reticence to return to the stage is especially perplexing given her myriad of cringe-worthy poses and pouts she posts on Instagram.

Gary Lineker - MBE

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FOR a disservice to public service broadcasting. Taxpayers don’t pay the face of BBC Sport millions to lecture them on Twitter about Brexit and Donald Trump – but he continues to flout the Beeb’s rules on impartiality.

Even colleague Jonathan Agnew wisely advised him to keep his political opinions to himself.

I’m handing Gary the Most Boring Entertainer gong in the hope he’ll finally get off his soapbox and stick to what he knows . . . football.

Katie Price - Damehood

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FOR having a car-crash year. In 2018 she was – deep breath – given a six-month driving ban for speeding, axed tour dates after poor ticket sales, announced her divorce from Kieran Hayler, set up topless beach snaps with toyboy Kris Boyson, teetered on the brink of bankruptcy, was arrested for drink-driving and checked into rehab.

Jack and Dani - OBE

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FOR showing how not to do a celeb split-up. Bizarre revealed in autumn that Jack and Dani’s romance was in serious doubt following a string of rows, so it came as no surprise when she announced they were parting ways in early December.

But the pair’s efforts to gloss over the break-up while blaming everyone but themselves, left the pair looking ridiculous.

Andrew Brady - MBE

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TO recognise his disservice to the title of celebrity. Andrew not only excels in his MBE duties, but borders on pointless as he masqueraded as a celeb last year as Caroline Flack’s ill-chosen fiancé.

After months of their relationship being on and off, finally the penny dropped for the TV presenter and she kicked the former Apprentice and Celebrity Big Brother contestant to the kerb.

Sean(n) Walsh - OBE

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IN recognition of his disservice to men everywhere. After getting caught snogging with Strictly partner Katya Jones, the comedian then shamelessly joked about it in his stand-up routine during which he also accused her husband Neil of being gay.

Even his name, with that pointless extra ‘n’, is painfully annoying.

Lily Allen - MBE

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TO recognise her shameless hypocrisy. The singer has spent years grumbling about people showing an interest in her life – then had a sudden change of heart earlier this year when she realised her music career was tanking.

In a major u-turn, the singer released a tell-all autobiography in which she waxed lyrical about her flings with lesbian prostitutes and revealed her celebrity sexual conquests.

Liam Payne - OBE

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FOR being a prize fool. There isn’t enough space here to list all the reasons why Liam deserves my OBE.

He said normal people don’t get “jet lag” as they don’t use private jets like him and claimed he should be the new James Bond.

He also said at the Brits in February that he and Cheryl were stronger than ever . . .  they split five months later.

Stacey Dooley - loses her MBE

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TO strip her of an ill-deserved gong. There’s no questioning the presenter was the surprise star of this year’s Strictly.

But the biggest revelation of all was that Stacey already holds a real MBE – dished out for making documentaries for BBC3.

I don’t begrudge her the hard-earned Strictly title one bit, but being called to the palace for shooting a few worthy films is lost on me.

So now she’s plain Stacey Dooley to the Bizarre team.

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