Noel Edmonds’ arrival in the I’m A Celebrity Jungle has clearly rattled John Barrowman and he’s made a superstar sidekick out of Harry Redknapp
AN historic announcement, last week, from Noel Edmonds, who promised he’d “retire” if ITV viewers voted him king of the jungle.
Retire from what? I’m not quite sure, unless it’s series two of Cheap Cheap Cheap.
And retire to where? I’m even less clear, with Crinkley Bottom theme park still out of commission.
But Noel’s promised he’s going and I think that’s a genuine shame, if he goes without sharing his political views with the Question Time audience first.
Before then, though, he has to complete his rescue of I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here! series 18 which, aside from a few Harry Redknapp anecdotes, had been going nowhere particularly entertaining before The Emperor Noel arrived, last Thursday.
On the Monday, Rita Simons let rip with a thunderous fart in the dunny. Tuesday, admittedly, Nick Knowles dropped his Biffy Clyro bomb. And, on the Wednesday, Anne Hegerty attempted to get out of bed and every virtue-signaller in the country agreed she’d “opened up an important conversation about autism”.
Which maybe she had, but that’s not really the reason anyone watches a light entertainment show, is it.
I’m A Celeb’s pulling points, for me at least, have always been the peacocking C-list egos and spectacular arguments they bring.
The only discernible tension on this year’s set, though, involved Declan “snap out of it” Donnelly who was becoming increasingly irritated by the molly-coddling approach of Holly Willoughby, who was either frowning vacantly, or squeaking with excitement, at the trials, where she’d tell absolutely everyone: “You’re doing brilliantly.” Even when they very obviously weren’t.
Then Noel Edmonds appeared, in his toga, and the effect was electrifying, not least on the other camp mates.
The most obviously rattled was John Barrowman who, on day one, had claimed: “I’m OK with big personalities, ’cos I am a big personality.”
An obvious lie. He clearly hates other big personalities and has never signed up for any TV project that wasn’t, in his own head, The John Barrowman Show.
Within seconds of Noel’s arrival, he’d already made some mental calculations about his own profile, air-time and place in the grand scheme of things and clearly wasn’t liking the answers he was getting.
Hell hasn’t exactly been unleashed since then, but Barrowman certainly wasn’t wrong in his calculations. The cameras cannot take their eyes off Noel Edmonds.
And I for one don’t blame them.
He’s a mesmerising television presence, whether he’s massaging Harry Redknapp’s foot or just watching Emily Atack, at the live X Factor trial, yelping out One Direction’s Best Song Ever which, incidentally, suffered not one bit from the fact she had 10,000 carnivorous ants down her gusset.
Ultimate TV pro though he is, Noel’s clearly also having a hell of a job controlling the passive-aggressive old beast that lurks within, and the worry with I’m A Celeb is always that younger, dumber viewers will vote him off before passengers like James McVey and Malique Thompson-Dwyer.
Do this and you frankly deserve all the boring television that’s coming your way, because I think Noel’s been worth nearly every penny of his £600,000 fee.
Not only has he made a superstar sidekick out of Harry Redknapp, he’s even taken the slight edge off Holly Willoughby’s incessant squeaking.
Though if you disagree, try the “Corneal Realignment Process” (“CRAP for short”) Noel used in the eating task and pretend she’s Ant McPartlin.
- I’M A Celeb, disappointment of the series. John Barrowman: “Broadway or the West End is not an option for Emily.” ’Cos I didn’t even know Stringfellows had stopped recruiting.
TV gold
BBC1’s masteful Informer leaving itself open for a second series.
Noel Edmonds and Harry Redknapp doing I’m A Celeb’s Nero To Zero eating task.
Jake Yapp (sort of) proving there is a God and he’s a vengeful one, on Dave’s The Hurting.
Scotland somehow emerging from the Nations’ League so-called “group of death”. (Section C.)
And British TV’s two best mainstream entertainers, Michael McIntyre and Bradley Walsh, creating a brilliant send-to-all segment on BBC1’s Big Show, which can make you weep with laughter one moment and almost move you to tears the next. A rare TV trick indeed.
- Compiled by Graham Wray
GREAT Sporting Insights
Jamie Redknapp: “Everyone in the crowd here today came to the game.”
Paul Merson: “Lindelof’s groin was literally hanging off.”
Georgie Bingham: “It’s 15 years to the day since England won the World Cup yesterday.”
And Phil Thompson: “You can just see him out of the picture.”
THIS Morning, Ferne McCann: “Some campmates in the past have broken the rules. Gillian McKeith shoved some herbs down her knickers. What would they have tasted like?”
Dried Scotch bonnet.
Random TV irritations
I’m A Celeb’s Live Bushtucker Trial turning out to be an X Factor promo.
All of the world’s most annoying people gathering in Australia for ITV2’s Extra Camp show.
The DLR train changing direction five times during Informer’s final baffling, continuity-destroying scene. X Factor egomaniacs reading far too much into the lyrics of snowflake anthem This Is Me.
And Have I Got News For You’s latest lump of box-ticking comedy Kryptonite Deborah Frances-White using the one story everyone found funny, last week – darts’ farting controversy – just to bang her feminist drum and snap: “Men everywhere should take a look at themselves.”
What a joyless, preachy, right-on chore this show has become.
First laugh on last leg
FRIDAY, November 23, 2018, 10:06pm.
And after 15 series and more than 160 episodes, The Last Leg’s Alex Brooker finally made me laugh with his caption for a shopping mall’s suggestive Christmas polar bear display: “You know this is your main present, don’t you?”
Only Josh Widdicombe and Adam Hills to go now.
It's point blank at X Factor
THOUGHT we might finally be on to something when an extended ovation interrupted Simon Cowell, mid-flow, during Saturday’s X Factor semi-final.
“Dalton, the whole point of this show is to . . . ”
Keep the auto-tuning industry alive?
Get a cheap laugh every time the “JUST EAT” logo flashes to life above the contestants’ heads?
Drive business into the assisted suicide sector of Switzerland’s economy?
No. Turns out it’s just to “give people like Dalton (pictured) a chance to . . . blah blah blah”.
A crushing disappointment when you consider the other possibilities.
It wasn’t the only one of the night, though, ’cos I was also pretty deflated by the Kensington Palace segment when some
flunky told Dalton: “The duchess wants to have a chat with you,” and it turned out to be Fergie.
My own breaking point this week didn’t come, however, until right near the death, when the contestants took it in turns to murder Abba’s back catalogue, with critical mass being reached at the exact moment Danny Tetley sang: “But I have a talent. This wonderful thing.
“ ’Cos everyone listens when I start to . . .”
Click.
Next?
Lookalikes
- Picture research: Alfie Snelling.
TV quiz show mouth-breathers of the week
The Time It Takes, Joe Lycett: “Italian artist Michelangelo was born in which country?”
Mitchel: “France.”
Joe Lycett: “Bob Monkhouse, Max Bygraves, Les Dennis and Vernon Kay have all hosted which game show?”
Selina: “Jonathan Ross.”
Joe Lycett: “Which artist is famous for pickling a shark in formaldehyde?”
Selina: “Labrinth.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Which 19th century British Prime Minister had the nickname Dizzy?”
Aidan: “Gillespie.”
Great TV lies and delusions
THE X Factor, Ayda Field: “I’m still going to Yorkshire with Danny and I’m still having a Tetley’s bitter with him.”
Good Morning Britain, Piers Morgan: “Holly’s got great legs and she’s a great presenter.” Yes and no.
And Extra Camp, Scarlett Moffatt: “I was a little bit gutted it was an underwater challenge ’cos we couldn’t hear John Barrowman sing or chat.”
Likewise, but only because there was an escape hatch.
Artistic genius on Beeb
THE final eight candidates were trying to flog works of art in Glasgow last week, on another brilliant episode of The Apprentice.
Not any old works of art, though. Oh no.
Modern, contemporary works of art, including abstract paintings and to-die-for sculptures like the sawn-in-half duck, which came with no head or neck, just its upturned arse and an £800 bill.
“Unique and collectable” items that produced two very distinct approaches to the selling process.
On the one hand there was Daniel Elahi, who’d restyled his hair and wardrobe for the occasion, and started talking in a manner that would get him a well- deserved kicking in some parts of Glasgow.
“It’s got the vibrancy of the human characters coming through and they’re very challenging in the sense they draw you in and cause you to question each other, yourself and your own interpretation.”
Or some such b*****ks.
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On the other, Jasmine Kundra, pictured, whose no-bull-s**t approach to the art world was summed up by her phrase “go big or go home”. Which meant, in due course, obviously, she went home.
An instructive lesson in business and life (the art world is full of bell-ends) and a cracking hour of television. If you think the candidates can’t get any more cringeworthy, though, then please watch the final seven trying to flog inflatable pink sofas on the home shopping channel task, tomorrow night, and just breathe in the silence when Tom asks: “Was any of it awkward?”
It’s intoxicating. (BBC1, 9pm.)