KERRY Katona has revealed how her cocaine addiction, marriage woes and the loss of her £250,000 Iceland deal made her want to end her own life.
The former Atomic Kitten star was so low after a string of horrendous setbacks that she would binge on drugs, hoping she wouldn’t wake up.
Kerry was first exposed to a suicide attempt at the age of three, when her mum, Sue, slit her wrists in front of her.
When she was eight months pregnant with Kerry, Sue had tried to slit her throat and carried out countless other attempts on her life up until Kerry was 17.
The 37-year-old star now admits she has had her daughters’ names tattooed on her own wrists to stop her following in her mum’s footsteps.
Kerry is speaking out in support of The Sun’s You’re Not Alone campaign, which aims to raise awareness around suicide and help save lives.
Opening up on World Suicide Prevention Day, the mum-of-five, said: “I felt really suicidal when I was married to my second husband, Mark.
“I was snorting cocaine like it was going out of fashion. I felt so isolated. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I almost gave in.”
The Sun's You're Not Alone campaign aims to help prevent deaths from suicide
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost – to suicide.
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes. And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet, it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun today launches the You’re Not Alone campaign. To remind anyone facing a tough time, grappling with mental illness or feeling like there’s nowhere left to turn, that there is hope.
To mark World Suicide Prevention Day, over the course of this week, we will tell you the stories of brave survivors, relatives left behind, heroic Good Samaritans – and share tips from mental health experts.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others.
You’re Not Alone.
Kerry is the first of a host of celebrities who have joined forces with The Sun to send the message, You’re Not Alone.
Over the course of this week, we will tell the stories of brave survivors of suicide, the harrowing accounts of those relatives left behind, while sharing expert advice on the warning signs to be alert to in your loved ones.
Suicide can touch anyone, from any walk of life. The aim of our campaign is that by helping to break down the taboos around mental health, we can all play our part in preventing deaths from suicide.
‘I felt so alone, I didn’t want to be here anymore’
Kerry said back in 2009 Mark was cheating on her and videos of him and girls in nightclubs started appearing online.
At the same time a film emerged of her snorting cocaine in a bathroom, which led to the loss of her Iceland contract.
I felt really suicidal…I felt so isolated. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I almost gave in
Kerry, on her darkest days
“I was like ‘Oh my god I want to die’,” she told The Sun.
The pressure she was under at the time left her feeling “alone” and “worthless”.
“I was being slated, being called a bad mum. I felt so isolated. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I almost gave in.”
‘I’d take so much, I’d be frothing at the mouth’
Kerry freely admits that she lost herself to drugs during the marriage and would end up so out of it she would suffer violent fits and end up blacking out.
At her lowest points, she hoped she wouldn’t wake up.
“I took so much coke with Mark and I had hoped he’d try to stop me, and go, ‘I love you too much to see you do this’, but he never did,” the star admitted.
“I would take so much that I’d have a fit and start frothing at the mouth and I really hoped I wouldn’t wake up. But I always did. I had a guardian angel, thank God!”
‘She slit her throat when she was pregnant with me’
Kerry’s issues with mental health stem from her childhood, during which she had witnessed her drug-addict mother attempt suicide several times in front of her.
“She slit her own throat when she was eight months pregnant with me,” she recalled.
KNOW THE SIGNS From drinking too much to a lack of sleep…10 signs your loved one could be at risk of suicide
Kerry was just three the first time she saw her mum slit her wrists. She did it regularly until Kerry was 17.
“I have always been the mum in our relationship,” she said.
‘Mum’s boyfriend told us he wanted to chop us up – I had to pull a knife out of my leg’
During Kerry’s GCSEs her mum’s boyfriend was run over and killed.
“He was the reason I had been put in a foster home, after he stabbed my mum he told us he was Freddy Krueger, and wanted to chop us up,” Kerry said.
“I even had to pull a knife out of my leg.”
The star said she and her sister were sent to a foster home, after her mum chose her boyfriend over them, breaking Kerry’s heart.
At that stage she was so numb to her mum’s cries for her help, she actually encouraged her to carry out her threat of suicide because it had become so routine.
“When he died, my mum wanted to kill herself, so I made her take all the tablets.
“I said ‘do it, take them all, I have had enough of this. Am I not good enough for you?’”
Kerry then called an ambulance before going to her foster parents’ home. She sat an exam at school then picked her mum up from hospital the next day.
‘I tattooed my kids’ names on my wrist to stop me following in mum’s steps’
Kerry said it’s her devotion to her five kids that has stopped her going through with an attempt to take her life.
And she had her daughters’ names tattooed on her wrist to ensure it never happens.
She said: “I told myself I’d have to be really selfish to cut through my kids’ names.
“I could never imagine slitting my wrists in front of my children. But I can’t blame my mum for anything.
“I just never knew any different. I do now. It was so wrong.”
‘I was so relieved when I was diagnosed with bipolar
When she was younger, Kerry said she had no idea about mental health, even though her mum had suffered manic depression, “which was the old name for bipolar”.
It was while she was in girl band Atomic Kitten that Kerry was diagnosed as bipolar, after showing signs of deep depression.
“I was feeling down and depressed and wasn’t sure about to handle things,” she said.
“I didn’t have a clue what bipolar was, I thought it was a sport or something.
“But I was so delighted that I had a name for it. I didn’t know what it was but it was OK because I knew I wasn’t crazy and there was definitely something wrong me.”
‘I realised my life had to change’
For Kerry, the turning point came when she took part in a boot camp for a magazine, while she was married to Mark.
It was in that two weeks, that she realised her life had to change.
“It was the first time I was away from Mark for two solid weeks, running, eating healthily. I came off my bipolar medication,” she said.
“I never touched cocaine ever again. That boot camp saved my life.”
She said eating well and exercise has changed her life. Three days after she got back from boot camp, she told Mark she wanted a divorce.
“I moved south and have never looked back. It felt like I was coming out of a coma, I could see so clearly.”
‘I still have days when I think I can’t do this anymore – but now I fight it’
Kerry krealises that living with bipolar means she will never escape her feelings of depression, but said she now knows how to deal with them.
“I still suffer from depression from time to time,” she said. “I have bipolar and there are times I’ll sit in the bathroom when I think I can’t do this anymore.
“But I am a different person now. I know what my triggers are and what my tools are.”
Kerry said she has a “hijacker” in her head, that brings her mood down and makes her doubt herself.
“I call her Miss Doubt, who puts me down, who says I can’t do that, stay on the couch, watch TV all day, don’t do anything.
“I have to fight that person to get out of it.”
One of her best tools in her fight against mental illness is exercise.
She said: “It’s turned my life around.”
‘If you feel suicidal, just look at me…you can turn your life around too’
Kerry is passionate about sharing her experience, to help others.
Her kids, Molly, 15, Lily-Sue, 14, Heidi, ten, Max, nine and Dylan-Jorge, three, are more aware of mental health issues than many kids, and are aware their mum suffers tough mood dips.
Now approaching 38 and having recently launched her own motivational Instagram blog Bouncing Back With Kerry, she is hoping to share her experiences with others and help people find their way again, even though she too still is hit by depression.
Kerry is urging anyone feeling low or suicidal to see her as an example.
Latest from You're Not Alone
“Even now I have suicidal thoughts and I feel like I can’t do this anymore, but don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to speak up, there is so much to live for.
“Look where I am – I was on the verge of suicide, I lost everything, money friends, family. I’m still fighting.
“Don’t give up on yourself.
“If I can turn it around, then you can, let’s do it together.”
You're Not Alone: Where to seek help if you need it
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, , 0800 585 858
- Heads Together,
- Mind, , 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus,, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, , 116 123
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