The Meg is a tale that has teeth for 99 per cent of cinemagoers

STRAP in for what is a triumph in marketing and film scheduling while also managing to appeal to the very DNA of about 99 per cent of cinemagoers.

The Meg has action, explosions, scares, muscles, implausibility, wholesome messages and a massive shark eating people.

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Come on, that ticks at least three of your boxes, right?

Jonas Taylor (The Statham) is a rescue diver, spending his time drunk in Thailand, licking his wounds after a rescue attempt five years ago went awry.

People blamed his mental state, while he remains convinced there was something else out there responsible. Hmm . . .

Cut to Mana One, a Jaws 3-style research facility in the middle of the South China Sea, where a team featuring diver Suyin Zhang (Li Bingbing), tech whizz Jaxx Herd (Ruby Rose) and billionaire owner Jack Morris (US Office’s Rainn Wilson) have discovered the floor of the deepest part of the ocean is merely thermal nitrogen gas and there is a whole unchartered ecosystem underneath.

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They investigate and, well, regret it. There’s a blooming megalodon waiting — and it’s quite hungry.

With the crew trapped, a rescue is needed, so boom — they initiate The Statham.

Some wise old soul in Hollywood noticed the kitsch money being thrown at nafforamas such as Sharknado and thought: “If we chuck a wedge at that, smelt it with Deep Blue Sea and Jaws 3, give it a cult action star and ramp the implausibility factor to 100, they’ll be drawn to it like a Great White to Robert Shaw’s stomach.”

This is the action genre’s Mamma Mia — so many ingredients point to a shambles, but it is practically impossible to resist.

This is the glossiest B-movie in years. The cast are strictly straight- to-on-demand (Hiro from Heroes; Ruby Rose playing Ruby Rose; Him From The Office being a bit crap) but they’ve spent some money here.

The subs all look real, the shark looks as though it would come a bit keen and the stunts are genuinely ambitious.

Statham is gloriously naff but perfectly suited. It’s a tactic that has served him well.

His accent is extraordinary — a bit of the old transatlantic bleeding into the breathy Cockney. He has an amazing habit of pointing at absolutely everybody he speaks to, and his forearms are made from the same mould as Parma hams. But he’s incredibly watchable.

The script is the real champ, though. There are some absolute humdingers — “That living fossil ate my friend”, “I’m not crazy, I’ve just seen things no one else has”.

Not all of it works. It veers into parody territory for the final act (the megalomaniac billionaire twist feels tired and panto-esque).

But the sheer silliness of seeing The Statham drop-kick a 50ft shark in his bare feet underwater while trying to stab its eye out is as entertaining as any cinema you’ll see this summer.

If you are the type of person who saw greatness in Vin Diesel taking on a submarine in the last Furious saga then, oh boy, are you in for a treat here.

One of the most extraordinary films you will see this year. Take that as you want.

THE MEG (12a) 113mins

★★★★☆