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Review
FROM MR WHIPPY TO MR SOFTEE

Fifty Shades Freed review: Climax to trilogy starts off strong – but it’s spent after an hour

CINEMA-goers expecting a non-stop barrage of naughtiness will be disappointed.

So to save you the bother of going to see it yourself, here is our blow-by-blow account of the “best bits”.

 All a bit tame... 50 Shades Freed is a big flop
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All a bit tame... 50 Shades Freed is a big flopCredit: Screen

3mins 21 seconds: A brief flash of newlyweds Christian and Ana having sex.

5m 10s: Side boob flash as Ana sunbathes on honeymoon.

6m 30s: Ana bares her breasts in bed.

8m 23s: An 80-second missionary sex scene — with Ana in wrist and ankle cuffs.

 Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson star in 50 Shades' third film
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Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson star in 50 Shades' third filmCredit: Screen

27m 4s: A high speed car chase ends with Ana and Christian romping in the motor.

29m: Ana’s nipples on show as she cuts Christian’s hair.

31m 30s: A glimpse of sleeping Ana’s side boob.

39m: Bum-shot as Christian strips naked for a shower.

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41m: Ana blindfolded and cuffed in the playroom as Christian wields a vibrator.

49m: Couple take a bubble bath — but that’s it.

51m: Late night ice cream snack turns into a full-on oral sex session and romp.

57m 30s: An uninspiring playroom scene despite the appearance of a glass sex toy.
And that’s it — the remaining 62 minutes are an epic slushy snoozefest.


Review: 50 Shades Freed

Raunchy Fifty Shades trailer plays during The Voice UK adverts

IT’S been billed as “The Climax” and is set to be the highest-grossing film this Valentine’s Day.

But while Fifty Shades Freed starts off with a bang – well, six to be exact – it goes out with a whimper.

Excitement levels had yet to reach my cinema yesterday morning — I had the place all to myself apart from one man sat alone in the back row.

A promising first hour saw Christian Grey and Ana have sex half a dozen times with handcuffs and adult toys.

 The couple bath together... but we dont see it go further
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The couple bath together... but we dont see it go furtherCredit: Screen
 Sexy... but nothing we haven't seen before in previous films
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Sexy... but nothing we haven't seen before in previous films
 Stripped... Film has it's moments, but the rest of the screen time is desperately dull
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Stripped... Film has it's moments, but the rest of the screen time is desperately dull

The stand-out moment saw the pair lick ice cream off each other’s bodies before having oral sex.

But, tellingly, the choice of flavour was tame - vanilla.

Those dragged along by their partners can then snooze throughout the entire second half of the film without missing a single moment of X-rated action.

The newlywed characters — played by Jamie Dornan, 35, and Dakota Johnson, 28 — settle down to have a baby. Zzzzz.

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Freed, which probably just about earns its 18 certificate, is the blandest and soppiest of the three big-screen instalments based on E.L. James’ best-selling novels.

The pair only visited Christian’s infamous playroom twice — in the opening 60 minutes, of course.

Most bizarre of all was when Christian is sat at a piano showing off his singing skills to Paul McCartney and Wings’ Maybe I’m Amazed.

Jamie refuses to go full nudity in the James Foley-directed sequel.

So the most anyone sees is his pants very low on his hips and it gets very boring.

After the first two, this film was surprisingly flaccid.

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