WHO DARES GRINS
Sun girl put through her paces by SAS as she tries out TV’s toughest show
“I DON’T care who the f*** you are,” former SAS hardman Ant Middleton barks into my face.
“You’re in the SAS now and things are about to get really f***ing hard.”
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I am on a training day to see if I could cut it on TV’s toughest show, C4’s SAS: Who Dares Wins.
The hit series sees 25 civilian volunteers put through SAS-style “selection” by former Special Forces men, including gruelling physical tests and a mock abduction.
Whoever is standing at the end of the fifth week is the winner.
The third series, which starts tomorrow, comes from Morocco’s Atlas Mountains. I’m in the middle of Sussex and have only just got my kit on — but already want to call it a day.
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Soon, me and my eight comrades, including journalists and ridiculously fit contestants from the series, are running across boggy land with no idea what lies in store.
“Keep your f***ing feet up,” someone shouts. Another rages: “If girls want to join the SAS then they f***ing have to act like they’re SAS.”
The four females in our squad can not help but giggle at the macho shout-off. Bad move.
“You think this is f***ing funny?” Ant snarls. “Down on the f***ing floor — ten press-ups. NOW!”
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My legs are already aching when we reach a rope tied across a pond, which we have to shuffle across on our chests.
Unfortunately, I have the upper body strength of a dead jellyfish, but I don’t have much choice.
Instructor Matt “Ollie” Ollerton explains I have to pull with my arms and kick off with my left leg, dangling my right leg as an anchor for balance.
I’m surprised by how quickly I master it. I make it halfway but I’m in trouble and grind to a halt.
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“What hurts?” Ant yells from the other side.
“Rude bits!” I reply.
“Get a move on, do you know how many women would be racing across this pond to get to me? Stop over-thinking it.”
But “my head’s gone”, as they say in the military, and I’m soon hanging upside down.
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I try to recover but my spindle-like arms let me down and I’m plunged into the waist-height freezing water.
There’s no point in changing. The next challenge is monkey bars across an even deeper pond.
I’m up first and am so slippery from my first dunking that I can barely get a grip. I manage one bar and I’m back in the water.
It’s becoming less SAS: Who Dares Wins and more Total Wipeout.
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Lunch provides a much-needed break but I’m dismayed when I open my rations to find vegetable curry and rice in a bag.
It looks and tastes like baby food.
Still, it’s a good chance to chat to Ant and his team from the series, including Ollie, 47, Jason “Foxy” Fox and Mark “Billy” Billingham.
I want to know what the boys think about the SAS considering making its selection tests easier so women have more chance of joining.
“I can’t see it happening any time soon,” says Ant, 37. “We’re the natural hunter-gatherers. I go out and provide — I’m an alpha male.
“So if a woman was with me, my mind would be concentrating on looking after that woman.”
Foxy, 41, disagrees, saying: “I’ve been on the ground with women and the woman with us was f***ing hardcore. We didn’t have to worry.” Billy, 53, who earned an MBE for his 27 years of unblemished SAS service, chimes in: “On the covert stuff, they’re f***ing good. But there’s just certain aspects of the job that women wouldn’t fit too comfortably into, the aggressive stuff like house assault.
“They’re better at covert surveillance — if they can shut the f*** up.”
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Are this lot as sweary and shouty at home, I ask.
Laughing, Ant says: “No, I’m the complete opposite. Our work is so serious, it relies on life or death. When I go home I’m completely a push-over dad.”
There’s plenty of macho bravado here but surely they all have some sort of Achilles heel. “I don’t have a weakness,” says Ant. “In the Special Forces we’re a group of individuals.
“I was a sniper, a point man. You wouldn’t put me on a surveillance job because I’d be sat there twiddling my thumbs.
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“I don’t look at it as if I have a weakness, I just think other people are better for certain jobs than me — not many though.”
It’s been nice chatting but we’ve got a mission.
Using a map and compass we have to find and extract information from a turned enemy agent. But we are on their turf so we have to be very careful.
“If you are kidnapped,” Ollie says, with a smile, “you have to be calm. You need to have a good cover story and drip-feed information. If you give too much then you are no longer useful. If you give too little they’ll think you’re useless. Either way, you’re dead.”
We find our man, who leads us along a river. We dig up a memory stick, which I stash in the one place I know the enemy won’t look — my bra.
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Now we have to get to the safe point. This means more running and I’m getting seriously weary. As we sprint along the river, one of our team, Alan, takes a dramatic tumble.
I turn around. There’s a lot of blood and a knee bone sticking out. It looks very, very bad. Ant applies pressure to the wound, seemingly holding Alan’s leg together, and assures our injured comrade: “I’ve seen much worse than this, mate, don’t worry.”
A medic arrives and Alan is taken to hospital.
I am ready to throw in the towel but this is the SAS. After more jogging and a crawl through a tunnel, we reach our van and trundle back to HQ. Mission accomplished.
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But we shouldn’t have been so trusting.
The van grinds to a halt and we are met with gunfire. The doors are flung open and masked men jump on board. “Get down on the f***ing ground!” they shout.
“Don’t f***ing look at me, heads on the f***ing floor!”
A hood is placed over my head and we’re ordered to stay down by our hijackers. The van screeches off.
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When it stops I’m manhandled out of it, put in handcuffs, and headphones are placed over my ears. Soon, the sound of piercing white noise fills my ear drums.
Captors shake, push and tap me as I blindly stand awaiting my impending interrogation.
I’m shoved into a room and the hood is whipped off.
Three, or maybe four, blokes in balaclavas are inches from my face and they scream: “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?” over and over again.
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I can feel their spit spraying and I know I should be frightened. But after six years in newsrooms I’ve heard much worse.
My next interrogation is more civil. I’m met by a woman with a friendly face. I tell her the agreed cover story — we work for BT in sales and are on a team outing.
“Well, I’ve got a f***ing bone to pick with you then. My service is utter s**t.”
After stifling more giggles I’m wrenched outside. Minutes later my hands are cut free.
“This is a rescue mission,” Ant screams: “RUN!”
After being abducted, those earlier pond dunkings and my legs now like jelly, I may not have won — but at least I dared.
SAS: Who Dares Wins starts on Channel 4 tomorrow at 9pm.
The latest recruits
THESE are some of the 25 hopefuls from the new series of SAS: Who Dares Wins, that you will see put through their paces by Ant and the team in Morocco.
Matt, 28, Romford, Essex
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IT is a case of sibling rivalry for Matt, who entered the show with twin brother Chris. The pair have a fight in the first episode.
But Matt also wanted to take part to push himself to his limit after recovering from septicaemia and pneumonia.
Matt, who runs his own gym, said: “I just wanted to experience some sort of struggle and connect with myself.”
Anthony, 25, Birmingham
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THE PE teacher wanted to take part to test his strength and make his mum proud. Anthony said: “It’s so good to be pushed and know you can do more than you think you can.
“You go in as an individual and build such a strong bond. These guys know more about me than some of my closest friends.
“It’s been the best experience of my life.”
Amuz, 31, Birmingham
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TWO years ago Amuz was told he had bladder cancer. After beating the illness, the copywriter is determined to live each day as if it is his last.
Amuz said: “I never processed it. I turned to drinking daily but I managed to ease up and quit.
“I struggled on the show way more than I expected. I thought they made these things look far worse on TV. I was so wrong.”
Glenn, 30, Rhondda Valley
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AFTER coming out as gay aged 18, Glenn wanted to prove you can be any sexuality in the SAS.
The business consultant, who now lives in South London, thought he could deal with the physical challenges but was more worried about his mental strength.
Glenn said: “For me it was challenging myself, proving to people I could do it – and it was two fingers up to some people.”
Dan, 40, Hemel Hampstead
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THE dad of two is taking part to “do something just for me” – two years on from his wife’s murder.
The telecoms engineer was away with work when wife Nikki phoned him about a suspicious man outside their home.
During the call the man got in the house and Dan heard Nikki’s screams as he stabbed her to death.
Dan struggled with PTSD but has overcome his worst demons.