MY SECRET BOOZE BATTLE
I was binge drinker, boozing alone & blacking out – I went sober when pal called me with grim claim, says Ulrika Jonsson
She realised she had a destructive relationship with alcohol after a call from a pal
ULRIKA Jonsson has told how she would pass out after lone binge-drinking on wine and spirits.
She got help after a worried friend spotted she was out of control — and is now proud to be 121 days without booze.
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The TV star and mum of four, 57, spoke out in Sober October in the hope it will help others feel less ashamed of their addiction.
She explained: “Drink quelled my anxiety. It transported me to another place where I felt at peace — where the problems of the world couldn’t reach me and, most importantly, where I felt numb.
“I drank to kill my feelings of anxiety and my fears of everything.
“I was a highly functioning binge-drinker. I never woke up dishevelled in a pool of sick.
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“But the number of times I would black out and not recall the night before when I had been drinking alone, were increasing.
“Now, without drink I feel calm and clear. Not that it’s easy to give up. It’s not. But it’s brought me much needed peace.”
The ex-Shooting Stars captain and Gladiator presenter realised she had a destructive relationship with alcohol after a call from a pal.
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She recalled: “One Saturday morning my best friend, who I love and cherish, called me and basically told me we had spoken the night before and she hadn’t understood a word I had said.
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“She told me I needed help. I knew it came from a place of love.
“The sense of shame would have been enough to make me want a drink. But not on that occasion.
“Instead, I sobbed like a child who desperately needed someone to hold her. I was full of despair.
“I was trying to cope with too many things in life and every time I thought I had all the balls in the air, someone would throw another into the mix.”
But it wasn’t until she reached out to a second, teetotal pal that she decided to quit.
I, too, knew there was a problem. I no longer recognised myself. I knew the time would have to come when I would give up. But I needed to find the will within myself. And finally, it came
Ulrika Jonsson
She added: “I, too, knew there was a problem. I no longer recognised myself.
“I knew the time would have to come when I would give up.
“But I needed to find the will within myself. And finally, it came.
“I was hungover again some days later and I had nothing but shame running through my veins. My head just knew that this was the end of life as I knew it then.
“I reached out to a friend who hasn’t had a drink for five years and said, ‘I can’t do this any more’. I had the gift of desperation.
“And that was my first sober day. I haven’t touched a drink since that day and I haven’t wanted to.”
I reached out to a friend who hasn’t had a drink for five years and said, ‘I can’t do this any more’. I had the gift of desperation. And that was my first sober day. I haven’t touched a drink since that day and I haven’t wanted to
Ulrika Jonsson
On why her drinking got out of control, Ulrika said: “It stifled my anger. I was angry with the world for all sorts of reasons. I would drink to remember the good times and to forget the present bad times.
“It was the perfect escape from my woes. When I drank, I felt I became a better, nicer person, and more equipped to cope. The truth, of course, was quite the opposite. Drinking worsened my anxiety which meant I would ‘self-medicate’ with a drink. This would calm me down, temporarily, then it would return with a vengeance.
“And so, I was caught up in the most horrendous cycle of angst, the medicine for which only worsened my symptoms.”
Having split with husband Brian Monet in 2019, Ulrika lives in Berkshire with their son Malcolm, 16, and is also mum to Cameron, 29, Bo, 23, and Martha, 20.
She said: “As a single woman household, there was no one to lean on. Nor was there anyone to regulate or support me. It was just me and my friend, the drink. I have family history of alcoholics.
“Both my maternal grandparents found it impossible to abstain.
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“I had always been very careful around booze. I was never even a regular drinker.
“I used to drink at special occasions. I often viewed it as celebratory and the exception rather than the rule. I’d go for weeks without but when I did pour myself wine or spirits, I’d go the whole hog.
“Historically, there were times when the odd glass of wine just wasn’t enough, I just wanted to keep going; keep the booze flowing.
“But even when things got bad over the past year, I didn’t drank every day but I was certainly heading that way towards the end.
“Hangovers are Mother Nature’s revenge for a good time, so I struggled to drink two days in a row.
“And when I was hungover, I continued to work hard and tackle life because I’m a grafter.
I established a routine of drinking then punishing myself with hard work through my hangover
Ulrika Jonsson
“I established a routine of drinking then punishing myself with hard work through my hangover.
“And then reward myself with another drink at the end of it all.”
Ulrika added: “Research has found that British women are the worst binge-drinkers in the developed world. Men are still significantly more likely than women to binge-drink but then we all know that when men drink they are ‘legends’.
“When women drink it’s shameful and embarrassing. Drunk women are messy and disgraceful; immoral and uncontrollable. Drunk men are funny. So, as women drinkers, we’ve lost before we’ve even begun. I was a binge drinker and I say this without an ounce of pride.
“It was a source of great personal shame but I’m pleased to say that today I will be four months sober. God willing.”
Like for many, lockdown was a trigger. She said: “I’d reward myself with a drink after surviving the day with three kids at home.” Ulrika admitted “things changed significantly” over the past year, adding: “I was constantly firefighting in life. There were family problems and personal issues.
“There were external challenges over which I had no control that affected my state of mind.
“My kids caused me anxiety – because as the old adage goes, ‘Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems’.
“Work gave me anxiety because when you’re the only breadwinner, the pressure is inescapable.
“I had a sick, dying dog to care for, too. And to top it all, I found myself on the receiving end of some unresolved, albeit unrelated health issues. I was in a constant state of fear and anxiety. Every time I thought I might solve one problem, another would pop up. It was a never ending, cruel and sinister game of Whac-A-Mole.
“The solution, of course, was to have a drink, stupid.”
But Ulrika has now found calm — and the respect of her children.
My life has changed dramatically. I’ve found an inner peace, despite the fact that life continues to throw me horrendous curveballs
Ulrika Jonsson
She said: “My life has changed dramatically. I’ve found an inner peace, despite the fact that life continues to throw me horrendous curveballs. I’m getting to know myself in a completely different way. My children have been incredibly supportive and are so proud of me.
“And I feel proud of me. I no longer feel shame. My anxiety has decreased beyond recognition.
“I have suffered the loss of one of my dogs, and I still didn’t turn to drink. I’ve dealt with other traumas during these past months — and remain sober.
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“Primarily, because one of the most important things I’ve learned is that a drink will not make the situation any better.
“For today, it’s one day at a time. I don’t take my sobriety for granted because it’s a journey, not a destination.”
Break's a boost
SOBER October began as a fundraiser for Macmillan Cancer Support.
The idea is that you pledge to lay off your favourite drinks for 31 days, and get your nearest and dearest to sponsor you for your sacrifice.
The annual challenge has raised more than £500,000 for the charity to date, with almost 30,000 people signing up to take part.
Giving up for a month is also great for your health.
It can improve sleep quality, memory, boost immune function, reduce the risk of diseases like cancer, heart disease and obesity and help you lose weight while boosting energy levels.
What’s more, it’s likely you will save a bit of cash too! For more information visit gosober.org.uk
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