I’m sorry Amy Nuttall, but I know exactly why your seven point plan for cheating hubby Andrew Buchan won’t work
THEIR love triangle and separations could have come straight from a TV drama.
Downton Abbey beauty Amy Nuttall was left heartbroken when her husband, Broadchurch actor Andrew Buchan, ditched her for Leila Farzad, his co-star in BBC crime thriller Better, after 11 years of marriage.
Yesterday The Sun revealed Amy, 41, mum of their two children, had taken back her love-rat hubby.
Andrew, 44, is now back in the family home after his affair with Leila, 39.
But he has had to agree to a stringent list of seven rules to save their battered marriage.
Our columnist writes an open letter to Amy questioning if a code of conduct in a marriage is the key to long-term happiness . . .
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Dear Amy
I CAN only imagine the heartache you have had to endure over the past six months or so.
It must have been unbearable to discover your husband, Andrew, had been sharing intimate moments with his co-star, Leila Farzad. That pain is a searing, lasting one.
Infidelity is probably the worst thing that can befall a relationship.
Some couples can make do and mend. But as in the case of a broken vase, even once the glue has dried, the cracks remain.
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So it appears that you and Andrew are going to give things another go. You’ve made the decision to take him back. I admire that.
I’m also guessing that your two young children played a part in your decision.
Logistically, staying together is the easier option, even though I doubt it can be any less painful for your heart and mind.
We can often be all too quick to decide what our boundaries and red flags are when we’re young and life appears simpler.
We all presume we’d make that knee-jerk decision and throw the philanderer out with the bathwater.
But life — and one with children especially — is rarely that straight- forward.
Significant ground rules
Obviously, it takes two to make a relationship work but it seems a cruel irony and twisted imbalance that the burden of forgiveness, maturity and self-respect will fall on your shoulders, Amy.
Despite having been wronged, you are the one left to consider whether to swallow your pride, all the while trying to soothe your bruised and broken heart.
You’ll no doubt have spent time mulling over what went wrong, while also trying to grasp that his digression really was not a slight on your character — it was him, not you.
I don’t know if I’ve been cheated on in the past, perhaps I just didn’t find out. But I have been a cheater.
I was unfaithful in my first marriage some 30 years ago. It was an infidelity of the heart and never got as far as an ongoing affair because I just didn’t have it in me.
But I can categorically say it was the dumbest, most selfish decision I’ve ever made.
I offer no excuses. It was just an action of immaturity and greed.
We tried to put our marriage back together because my ex-husband’s sense of forgiveness was robust, tenacious and steadfast.
He was clear that he would not use my past actions as a stick to beat me with as we moved forward.
But I hadn’t properly resolved the issues I had with myself and so, over time, the marriage failed.
As The Sun reported yesterday, Amy, you are laying down some pretty significant ground rules in order that there is full transparency as you get your marriage back on track.
You are employing the “777 method” in an attempt at taking back control of the relationship.
This system dictates that every seven days you two will have a date night.
Every seven weeks you’ll go away together for the night and every seven months you’ll disappear for a couple’s holiday without the children. On paper this appears to be a sound strategy.
Relationships can so easily grow stale. Children all too readily inject dull, monotonous routine into the situation. And often, busy work schedules mean we rarely take the time out to spend with our loved one.
In fact, the plan sounds like something all couples ought to sign up to from day one.
Or should they?
While I fully understand the reasoning for setting some ground rules — positive guidelines within which a relationship might flourish with greater ease — I can’t help but feel that this approach is just too manufactured.
It’s too constructed, too forced and a tad unnatural. I know many couples make efforts to have weekly or monthly date nights but I can’t say it’s ever appealed to me. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I’m still single.
But surely the thing that draws us, as couples, together, the stuff that pulls us towards someone in the first place, is that wonderous ability, need and desire to be spontaneous?
No one tells us what we should be doing when we fall in love. There is no rule book. We throw caution to the wind and follow our instincts.
That is one of the great joys of a passionate and loving relationship.
We embrace those whims and impulses as much as we embrace the person we love.
And I know it’s easier said than done when all the minutiae of life get in the way of kicking back and letting go. But a prescriptive approach like this doesn’t turn me on one bit.
Moreover, I don’t think I’d be able to escape the feeling that in your situation, Amy, where someone has betrayed your trust, you’re effectively forcing someone to adhere to such a formal system.
Loss of trust
I would for ever be questioning myself if the person sitting opposite me at date night really wants to be there or whether I’ve imposed that will on him.
Fundamentally, being with someone has to be about want, not need.
I’ve never knowingly chased a man. My reasoning has always been that I would never want to force someone to be with me. I need to know they want to be.
I employ the same theory with my children. I don’t force them to come home to spend time here, I want them to want to.
And of course, there’s every chance your hubby wants to make amends and wants to be with you, having truly understood the error of his ways.
But that does not then explain the other “laws” that have been laid down.
There has to be full access to each other’s phones, no contact at all with Leila at any time or for any reason, and an insistence on FaceTiming while working away.
They all, unfortunately, point towards a heartbreaking and destructive loss of trust.
Whatever anyone tells you, trust is the foundation of any relationship, with anyone in your life.
It’s having that absolute understanding of where you both stand and what is and isn’t acceptable.
And I can only deduce that if you feel the need to track and check on someone, then both trust and understanding has well and truly left the building.
If the parameters within which the only way your relationship can function and flourish are more in line with spying and detective work, then surely something is awry.
You might as well slap a tag on his ankle.
I don’t deny that every situation requires some rules — sometimes these can be unspoken. It’s healthy for couples to have boundaries but it’s the enforcement of them that suggests obligation rather than willingness.
Some people will see you taking your husband back as a weakness, others as a strength.
Coleen Rooney was in the same boat as you with her footballer husband Wayne on a number of occasions over the years, and she appears to have kept her pirate on board.
I hope with all my heart that this works out for you both.
Your marriage has been a long one so far.
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Let’s hope this is not the end of an era, but rather the end of an error.
Love Ulrika
WORTH IT, BUT TOUGH
By Sally Land, Dear Deidre Editor
FINDING out your partner has cheated is one of the most painful experiences anyone can go through.
But sometimes it is worth trying to rebuild a relationship, and with real dedication that union can become even stronger.
For a couple to come back together successfully, the person who has cheated has to be genuinely sorry and regretful.
They have to be prepared to apologise repeatedly and make up for their infidelity.
The person who has been betrayed needs to be prepared to discuss what caused their partner to stray.
Learning to trust their partner again is key and, while it will take time, they should resist the temptation to control the other for reassurance.
Be wary
Crucially, both need to be ready to talk about the changes they need in their relationship.
This can be incredibly difficult both to say and hear.
Of course, children and families are a major consideration and reason to try again.
However, if the relationship falls apart again, the children in particular are the ones who get hurt the most, caught in the confusion and, all too often, the crossfire.
And as for the partner who was cheated on – that sense of betrayal is magnified, as so often they feel abandoned for a second time.
Trying again after a betrayal is absolutely worth it, but couples need to be wary. The stakes couldn’t be higher.
lIf you have a personal worry it is simple to get in touch with my team of expert counsellors via email at [email protected]