Less Michael Jackson, more Michael Owen for Sun man Ally as he dons his old PE shorts to join Britain's next big boy band in rehearsal
“It’s a no from me.”
Five words I’ve heard a thousand times before, most often from Simon Cowell to a distraught X Factor wannabe on a Saturday night.
But this week I was the one on the receiving end of the takedown - from a group of X Factor wannabes themselves.
It’s a Thursday morning and I’m on my to the X Factor house to be taught how to dance by show finalists 5 After Midnight.
I stumble across my first hurdle before I even leave the house - what do I wear to not stick out like a sore thumb next to the UK's next big boy band?
With the benefit of hindsight I can now confirm that the bright green shorts from my high school volleyball team circa 2009 were not a great choice.
As I pull up at the X Factor contestants’ house - a gated mansion tucked away on a leafy road in North London - I’m met by a towering bodyguard who welcomes me in with a stoney-face at the front door, which does nothing to allay my fears.
The house, which costs an eye-watering £13,500 per month to rent, features an open-plan kitchen with its own chefs, a music room and a huge garden with a view of the London skyline.
We settle on one of its six bedrooms as our dance studio for the day, kicking X Factor favourite Matt Terry out of his bed in the process.
With the lights on and cameras ready I am finally greeted by the 5 After Midnight lads - Nathan Lewis, Kieran Alleyene and Jordan Lee - who look thrilled to meet their new fourth member.
Former dancer Nathan takes the lead - and fills me with hope.
“I teach kids as young as six years old, so you’ll be fine”, he says.
As it turns out, a three-year-old could dance better than me, let alone a six-year-old.
The boys take me through the moves for their dance routine they performed in the Six Chair Challenge round to Calvin Harris’ How Deep Is Your Love?
By the time we get to the fifth step I’m still trying to remember how to do the first one.
While the boys have the moves of Michael Jackson, mine are more like Michael Owen.
We go through the routine at least 20 times - all at a snail’s pace - and finally I think I’m ready to try it with the music.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I nail the first part before stumbling over the second and eventually give up on the final part.
At the end of a 30-minute dance lesson the only thing that has improved is my swearing, as I forget I'm on camera and curse my way through the routine.
Finally it’s time for 5 After Midnight’s official verdict.
“It’s a no from me,” says Nathan.
“It was a really good attempt, but it’s a no from me”, says Kieran.
“You look like a popstar, you sound like a popstar, you dance like a popstar,” says Jordan, mimicking the band’s mentor Louis Walsh, “but it’s gotta be a no from me.”
My 11-year-old self always dreamed of becoming the next boy band superstar, but after this attempt it’s got to be a no from me too.
