Alan Carr reveals he nearly QUIT comedy as he was convinced he was wetting himself on stage as he opens up about love and boozing
The Chatty Man comic confesses he battled stress-related condition which made him feel anxious during gigs
CHATTY Man Alan Carr nearly quit comedy – as he was convinced he was wetting himself on stage.
Channel 4’s biggest star spent 2015 battling the debilitating condition, which doctors diagnosed as stress-related, forcing him to seek alternative therapies including using Ouija boards.
Alan, who is best friends with pop superstar Adele, was struck by the issue on the opening night of his nationwide Yap, Yap, Yap! tour in Weston-super-Mare, Somerset.
Speaking about what happened for the first time, the 40-year-old comic recalls: “I’m on stage, my head is killing me. I am p***ing myself, all down my leg.
“I believe that’s why they’re laughing. They’re laughing at the p*** all down my leg. I blurt something at the audience and run for the toilets.”
Alan went back on stage to continue the show and “blamed first-night nerves”. But when he finally came off stage, he realised he hadn’t actually wet his pants.
However, the issue continued the following night and didn’t stop, causing him significant mental distress.
Alan, who will soon be releasing his second autobiography, says: “Nothing comes out. In Wolverhampton, I felt a ping and I thought, ‘Oh my God, I’m p***ing myself again!’
“I had to run off stage. I thought every laugh that I was getting was because they knew what I’d done.”
The issue caused Alan to go on stage “wearing three pairs of pants”.
He explains: “I couldn’t move my bottom half, I was paralysed.
“I didn’t drink any liquid all day. I was going on stage like a lizard. My gums were stuck to my lips. I had to do something, I was becoming a wreck.
“Enough is enough, I finally told my private parts.”
Alan rang his doctor in tears who told him: “There are some wonderfully discreet adult nappies available on the High Street.”
But the star responded angrily: “If I was p***ing myself, I’d wear a f***ing Tena Lady.”
Alan was referred to a urologist — a doctor who specialises in the urinary tract and reproductive organs — who spent hours running tests on his bladder, kidneys and liver.
But the results showed there was nothing wrong, prompting Alan to accept the issue was psychological.
He says: “I’ve always had trouble with anxiety, like with psoriasis and migraines, but it’s just gone up a f***ing gear.
“Especially when I’m doing 250 dates. There were times before I’ve went on stage when I was in tears.
“I have so much sympathy for anyone who suffers anxiety attacks and the crippling side-effects.
Sometimes I’m sitting there on Chatty Man and feel the same. It’s awful. But I didn’t want to have to quit.”
Alan realised he had to do something, so he saw an alternative therapist who focused on meditation, healing and the energy channelling technique of Japanese Reiki.
He says: “I went to see a healer and I said to him: ‘I don’t believe in this s**t but I’m losing my hair, I’m crying before I go on stage.’
“I broke down in tears in front of him and said, ‘I’ve got another 200 dates of my tour to go, I’m going to have to cancel the tour because I have got this thing.’
“He then put me under and started to heal me. The only way I can describe it is like my body being plugged into an iPhone charger.
“Weirdly, the healing happened. I came out and went on stage and it had gone. I had my confidence back. It was a mental thing.”
During his troubled period Alan also experimented with contacting dead spirits using a Ouija board.
He adds: “I’ve always been a little bit into that. It was 3am one night and a woman wheeled out the board and we did it.
“When we asked if anyone was out there, a security guard who was in the room started talking in his sleep. It was so surreal.”
He says: “I kick myself sometimes because the tour was going so well. They were adding extra dates and I was just seeing pound signs.
“I should have said to myself, ‘You need to go home.’ But I thought, ‘Well if you work that one more gig, then that’s more money in the pot.’ But sometimes you need to put your family first.”
Alan’s troubles also caused him to start to drink excessively.
He recalls: “It was the last show and they always surprise me with a vodka flume. It was the size of my head.
“Cut to 2am and we’ve run out of booze so we started drinking the s**t from the Chatty Man globe.
Then at 3.30am I woke up alone in the London Studios. On the floor. Everyone else had gone home.
“The next day they showed me a video of me making a fool of myself with Harrison Ford. I don’t even remember meeting him.”
Alan was catapulted to fame alongside fellow comic Justin Lee Collins, 42, on Channel 4’s The Friday Night Project.
But his one-time close friend has since been shamed after being found guilty of harassing his ex-girlfriend Anna Larke, who he verbally abused in shocking audio tapes released during the trial.
He says: “I never saw that side to him. I never knew this was going on. I think it was a toxic relationship.”
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But he accepts there is a sinister side to JLC that was exposed in the shocking audio recordings.
He says: “That’s not the Justin I knew. I just wanted to shake him, because he’s lost his way.
“I wouldn’t work with anybody like that. Those tapes are so sinister.
“I hope he gets it together and he gets another chance. Whether people will forgive him, that’s not up to me. But I was in shock.”
While Alan is one of the most in-demand presenters on Channel 4, signed to an exclusive contract, Justin now hosts a weekly show on a Manchester radio station.
“It is cruel,” Alan says. “And you can’t get too smug, because probably in the not too distant future I’ll be doing s***e FM.”
Alanatomy, by Alan Carr, is published by Michael Joseph, priced £20. It comes out on Thursday.
