Scotty T lets rip on this year’s crop of Celebrity Big Brother housemates

I’m buzzing to announce that your new CBB columnist is none other than me…Turbo D**k himself…..Scotty T. Over the next three weeks, I will be giving you a weekly round-up of what’s going on in the house, with insider knowledge of the housemates… or those I know. Who the f*** are some of these people, anyway?

What series of CBB is complete without a Geordie… and our lass Marnie will be representing the North East this series. Ceeemonn Marns. Bring another title back to Newcastle! I am Team Marnie all the way.

So who is going in this year… and, more importantly, which of the lasses would I try to crack on with in the house.

Sam Fox

I had to Google this former page 3 Fox… but f*** me, she was fit when she got her tits out for the lads (and lasses) in the 80s. A right sort back then. They’ve been trying to get her on the show for years, so she’ll be controversial all right. She’ll probably wanted to be remembered for her singing and presenting, but let’s be frank, she’s known for getting her baps out. I reckon I’d get on with Sam. She lost her missus last year. She could probably do with a cuddle.

Scotty’s tash on rating: Zero (she’s not a fan of the pipe).

Aubrey O’Day

Fit as f***, mate. I wouldn’t mind a go on that but I reckon she’s going to be the new Mad Meg. This girl likes conflict.  My money is on her having a touch of the Farrah Abraham about her too. Best mates with a porn star, swings both ways and fired by Donald Trump on The Apprentice. That is some CV.

Scotty’s tash on rating: 8 out of 10 for that ass, but I’d kick her out of bed the next morning. Probably pay for her cab. Can’t be done with the beef.

Renee Graziano

This one is the new Nancy Del’Olio, I reckon, but with mafia undertones. Renee’s dad was a gangster, so I wouldn’t mess with her or I might wake up with a horse’s head in my bed. Be honest, lads, who doesn’t like banging a milf, though? I’ve had some cracking times with the older lady… even banged a mother and daughter together once. I reckon she will lose her s*** in there and s*** will go down. Watch out that she’s not on the phone to Jordan Davies, wanting a date after the show, if she’s anything like that hot rocket Nancy!

Scotty’s tash on rating: I am giving a 6 out of 10, because I don’t want to get on the wrong side of the mob.

Katie Waissel

So the X Factor diva didn’t want to do any reality shows, to focus on her singing career. What singing career? Ah, that’s why she’s in CBB this year! Having achieved zero recording deals, Katie is on the show. I say give the lass a break. She was painted as being a reet cow when she finished seventh on the singing show. Let’s see what she’s actually like.

Scotty’s chance of tashing on: 6 out of 10, as long as she doesn’t sing. But the lass is married (again). I wouldn’t go there.

Chloe Mafia

Now this one is a sort! She went from being named the most hated woman on TV when she was on the X Factor to being in a relationship with the CEO of Spearmint Rhino and spending bare wedge on plastic surgery. She’s unrecognisable. Got to hand it to the girl, she has a game plan, which she may well bring to the show and that will make her unpopular. I reckon she will be the first to go.

Scotty’s tash on rating: 8 out of 10. I would happily bounce all over that silicone, but I reckon she’s a bit of a gold digger, so laterzzzzz.

Helen Lederer

The definite mum of the house who I think will team up with Biggins to calm the house down when things get heated. She’s a bright bird, this one, so I don’t think she will put up with any sh**.

Scotty’s tash on rating: 2 out of 10. I am sure she’s a lovely woman, but it would be like s******* your mum….and that’s wrong.

Beth Chapman

I hear Dog the Bounty Hunter’s missus has been forced to pull out of the show a day before it started because of a supposed criminal record, preventing her from getting a visa. Sack your management, love. Surely they should have checked that before signing. Who will replace her, though? I reckon we should throw in our Vicky P….Marnie should like that! Nahhht.

Scotty’s tash on rating: not going there

Which brings us to our Marnie...

Marnie is one of the Geordie Shore family and I have said that if she doesn’t win, I will chop my b****** off. We’ve had our differences on the show, but Marnie is a great lass and I am #TeamMarnie all the way. Fellow Geordie and on/off fella Aaron Chalmers will be watching through his hands and I reckon TOWIE’s Lewis Bloor will have a crack, as will Stephen Bear, just to cause some trouble. I’m not sure Ricky Rayment will be watching either. Just think, Ricky mate, this could have been your missus you will be watching!

Scotty’s tash on rating: I’ve already been there and don’t want to again, but I am giving Marnie 10 out of 10, just for coming from God’s own country, the North East!

Now to the blokes:

Christopher Biggins

I reckon Biggins will be the David Gest of the house. A sound bloke and I would get on with him, for sure. Biggins is a panto regular, so I could get some tips from him for my upcoming panto in Leeds this season. I am not sure how he will react to the fights, though. I am tipping him as second favourite, after our Marns.

Grant Bovey

Anthea’s ex, Grant is def in it for the cash…and the gash. He was declared bankrupt to the tune of £50million in 2010 and is apparently getting a six figure sum for his appearance. People think he is going into the house to spill the beans on his relationship with his ex missus. I think he is in it for the f****. He’s supposed to have cheated on Anthea and he’s dumped his bird to get on to the show (see, everyone does it Jordan, not just Megan McKenna!!). Geeeeet innn, Bovey. I reckon he should put a shift in on Aubrey O’Day.

Frankie Grande

I’d never heard of the guy and thought he was just in for being the half-brother (not even full brother) of Ariana. But I am told he has been a dancer on Broadway. Still never heard of the dude. He’s been on American Big Brother, so knows what he’s getting himself into. I have nothing else to say about him. Who is he?

Lewis Bloor

One of the two proper lads in the house, man like Lewis is obviously in there to keep the lasses happy. He’s supposed to be really competitive, so I reckon he and Bear will be fighting to tash on in the house. Look away, Aaron. You’re not going to like it.

Stephen Bear

Bear has been through birds like a hot knife through butter, so he’s a man after my own heart for that. He dated my mate Vicky P for a while and he was seeing Gaz’s ex bird Lillie…does anyone know if he still is? He’s also got a bit of history with our Marnie. She took a photo of them together at some awards and that caused Vicky and her to kickoff. He’s a right one for stirring things up, so he may spill the beans on some of his relationships. Wasn’t he dating someone from TOWIE before Vicky too?  Sounds like he is desperate to find proper fame. I like the guy, but he should think twice before b******g about birds to get where he wants. A real man keeps it to himself! Vicky can handle it. She’s a sound lass.

See you next week for Scotty's next CBB column! 

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