Tale of Tales is a twisted tale of eternal youth that’s strange, scary and sexy
Matteo Garrone’s grown-up, twisted fairytale is a real delight
TALE OF TALES
(15) 134mins
DIRECTOR Matteo Garrone’s grown-up, twisted fairytale is a real delight.
Told in episodic format, it involves a pregnancy achieved by eating a heart.
There is also a giant flea and two sisters after eternal youth (and a damn good seeing to).
In case you were wondering, I wouldn’t stick the kids in front of it while you’re watching the footie — it’s Game of Thrones meets The Brothers Grimm.
Visually it is stunning, taking elements of Terry Gilliam’s Baron Munchausen, kneading it into Matthew Vaughn’s Stardust and sprinkling elements of Game of Thrones — a gory, fantastical treat.
Salma Hayek is the barren Queen Selvascura who, in order to become pregnant, must eat the heart of a sea monster cooked by a virgin (a round of Masterchef believed to have been vetoed by Gregg Wallace).
Annoyingly for her, the virgin inhaled the magic and got up the duff too, so each gives birth to an identical albino twin, whose strong bond sends the Queen batty.
Toby Jones is, as ever, simply incredible as daft King Altomonte.
He spends so much time raising his pet flea (Remember Little Shop of Horrors? — it’s like that but with parasites instead of plants) he completely ignores, then cocks up his responsibilities as a father to his daughter, a lonely princess yearning for a Prince Charming.
She sadly gets the complete opposite and must try to escape . . . somehow.
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And then we have Vincent Cassel, one of my favourite actors, as the lothario and romantic King of Strongcliff — think cartoon character Pepe Le Pew in human form.
Rogering his way through his kingdom (I can’t remember many other kings having a threesome at a funeral) and having his pick of anyone he chooses obviously still isn’t enough for him.
And upon hearing some beautiful singing from a subject, he decides the owner of the voice is the one for him.
Sadly the vocal belongs to an ancient hag, who must undergo a transformation if she is to snare her king forever.
Now, in another land, this would mean some Crème De La Mer and 600 squats a day.
In Tale of Tales land, however, it takes Little Britain’s “Want Bitty” demands to a whole new level . . .
All these stories take part in the same world and while they brush shoulders with each other, they never really interweave in a satisfying way.
But this is one gripe among so many things to recommend.
Tale of Tales is an unpatronising fantasy fairytale for adults — managing to avoid becoming twee by being strange, scary and sexy all in one.
★★★★☆
GODS OF EGYPT
(12A) 127mins
GAZING at his giant erect structure Gerard Butler calls for “a toast to my legacy”.
No giggling at the back, the structure in question is an obelisk designed to honour the megalomaniac God Set, who the Scotsman plays.
It’s a fitting metaphor for Butler’s acting legacy – a pointless edifice.
This is a man who has built his career on big, dumb action movies and unfunny rom-coms.
Thankfully, the Gods of Egypt falls into the first category.
It’s a monument to B-movie CGI extravagance where nothing is taken seriously.
The fact Butler’s Egyptian God speaks with a Paisley accent and most actors such as Games of Thrones star Nikolaj Coster-Waldau deliver lines with a knowing smile is all you need to know.
The only star seemingly regretting accepting this pay cheque is Geoffrey Rush.
Unlike Rush, you must be happy to sacrifice brains for action before committing to the Gods Of Egypt.
★★★☆☆
GRANT ROLLINGS
THE CONJURING 2
(15) 134mins
THE Enfield Haunting is one of the most infamous and unexplained phenomena in Britain – and has been the subject of documentaries, books and an excellent drama on Sky Living.
But did any of those versions include a nun dressed as Marilyn Manson? No.
Et voila! The Conjuring 2 is the sequel to one of the most successful horror movies ever.
Set in Seventies Britain (all JPS cigs, snorkel coats and a three-day working week) this sequel takes the bones of the Enfield story and sprinkles a bit of Hollywood glamour, if that is the right word, on it – meaning a mere poltergeist and possession isn’t enough . . .
I’m a wimp so yes, this scared the bejeezus out of me . . . but I took my son with me who assured me it was scary for him too and he’s a seasoned pro.
So I recommend this wholeheartedly. Just take a family member to hide behind.