ALLY ROSS
Two-tier comedy is alive and well on HIGNFY.. a world where Boris and Liz are PM, not Keir
A day of reckoning is at hand for this show
SUMMONING up all the vast reserves of pomposity at his disposal, Ian Hislop addressed the issue of Keir Starmer and sleaze, on prime time BBC1, last week.
“Just as with previous Labour governments, like Blair who ran straight into Bernie Ecclestone,” said Hislop, about to lose his thread, “at worst it’s disappointing and B) it’s the same again.”
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Then he sat back and waited for the customary applause.
And waited . . . And waited.
And he’d still be waiting now if he hadn’t stirred the audience to respond by adding: “It’s not popular, but it’s what’s happening.”
The cat was already out of the bag by that point, though.
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Two-tier comedy is alive and well and living on Have I Got News For You, which limped back for its 68th series, on Friday, with Kevin Bridges, who’s a much better stand-up than panel show host, plus guests journalist Helen Lewis and comedian Chloe Petts, a pair of left-wing yawns who have both crashed and burned on this show before.
Fat chance
A fact I mention for two reasons.
First, the BBC continuity announcer lied when he said the show featured “fresh faces”, and second because I want to manage the expectations of anyone who’s not seen HIGNFY yet and may be watching in the hope it’s now operating an even-handed, scorched earth policy, which is, let’s face it, the only way a decent satirical show can function.
Fat chance.
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For if ever there was a case of a show being careful what it wished for it was Friday’s HIGNFY, where they had Starmer, Angela Rayner, Ed Miliband and all of Labour’s other misfits at their mercy and couldn’t bring themselves to land one decent blow.
In fact it was almost Putinesque in its delivery without even the threat of being thrown out of an eighth-floor window, if they went too far.
Gary Neville left 'squirming' on Have I Got News For You as Ian Hislop 'skewers' him over Qatar trip
A quarter of an hour the molly-coddling lasted until, probably out of frustration more than anything, Hislop said: “It makes you think he’s just not very good at politics.”
And you’d have sworn he’d just announced he was boffing Mrs Starmer, judging by the reaction of Helen Lewis, who began spluttering for breath, as her jaw dropped to the floor; and the studio audience, who groaned with displeasure.
It’s a response that flags up the real echo chamber problem for HIGNFY, which has spent so long nailing its political colours to the mast the only people who’d dream of going to watch a recording are left-wing fellow travellers who are in no mood to see their heroes taken down a peg or two.
Generally speaking, the approval-craving panellists have neither the inclination nor the balls to defy them either.
And so, after 15 minutes of phoney Friday night war they all just returned to their comfort-zone victims: Donald Trump, Liz Truss, Brexit and another old PM who copped for a particularly feeble gag, during a Taylor Swift segment, when Hislop said: “In Boris’s day, a Swifty was when you impregnated a member of staff.”
Same old process
The key words here being “In Boris’s day.”
We’ve had three Prime Ministers since then.
Just like voting patterns, life and jokes move on, except at HIGNFY where the same old process will be repeated on tonight’s show with ex-Tory MP guest Dame Andrea Jenkyns, who will be subjected to an ugly pile-on that will go down well with the studio audience but leave the long-suffering viewers feeling like they’re watching a repeat from 2019.
A day of reckoning is at hand, though, for this show.
America goes to the polls on November 5.
If they’re to have any relevance or future, Have I Got News For You, Hislop, Merton, Nish Kumar, Chloe Petts, Marcus Brigstocke, The Last Leg gang and all those hundreds of other political activists who’ve been masquerading under the title “comedian”, this past decade, better get on their knees and pray for a Trump victory.
Comedy fans should pray just as hard for a Kamala Harris win, so the industry can be ripped up and started again.
And the rest of us should just pray for America.
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Enders' line of the year
EASTENDERS’ line of the year.
Ravi: “Do you know what I want, Vinny? Someone to put a stop to all of this.”
Amen, brother. Amen.
BB seen better Daze...
ITV’S drab and forgettable Big Brother launch made the slight but significant shift from the network’s main channel to ITV2, this week.
With the next stage on, from this undignified shunt, being total oblivion, hopefully.
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In the meantime . . .
Brace positions for Lebanese refugee Khaled, who’ll be missing the IDF’s heavy artillery bombardments after just a day or two in the company of shrieking nightmare Lily, who’s swiftly established herself as the show’s chief pain in the ar*e through a stubborn refusal to shut her stupid yakking gob and go to bed.
Possible competition for that title, though, comes via the likes of hairdresser Dean, tearful young farmer Sarah, Somalian Hanah, who’s from “da ghetto,” and a self-satisfied blob of environmental activism called Daze, who will not tolerate anyone that doesn’t believe climate change, but hasn’t quite got round to glueing herself to a road just yet.
An act of self-restraint for which UK motorists should be eternally grateful as Daze could probably cork the Dartford Tunnel single-handedly.
In fairness to the other housemates, all of them successfully entered the house unaided, on opening night – a task that’s been way beyond most other line-ups – and there’s also endless comedy potential in the shape of Nathan, a former royal butler whose new job prompted an obvious enquiry from host Will Best: “A pork salesman? Is that a euphemism or a real job?”
If he follows the Paul Burrell pattern? Both.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
IMPOSSIBLE, Rick Edwards: “Who replaced Nicolas Sarkozy as president of France in 2012?”
Craig: “Vladimir Putin.”
The Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In rock music, what flying mammal appears in the titles of a trilogy of UK top ten albums by Meat Loaf?”
Tyler West: “Horses.”
Romesh: “In meteorology, which of the seasons follows winter?”
Mollie Pearce: “Autumn.”
And The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which singer had number ones with The Beatles and Wings?”
Georgina: “Lulu.”
’Cos I think it far more likely one of The Beatles was in Lulu, rather than the other way round.
Lookalike of the week
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THIS week’s winner is Labour MP Jess Phillips and three-times world darts champion John Lowe.
Sent in by John Hazeldine, of Nottinghamshire.
Great sporting insights
Rio Ferdinand: “He’s a real fresh of breath air.”
Lee Hendrie: “He missed but then recouped himself to bury the rebound.”
And Simon Thomas: “Liverpool are playing right now. It’s half-time at the moment.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
TV gold
GOGGLEBOX’S Giles absolutely nailing Phillip Schofield on Cast Away: “He’s got a head full of fridge magnet cliches.”
The weekly joy of watching Chris McCausland dance with Strictly partner Dianne Buswell, who’s clearly a brilliant teacher.
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David Mitchell’s excellent who- dunnit series Ludwig, on BBC1.
BBC2’s utterly absorbing series Parole.
And Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing, in the beautiful East Riding of Yorkshire.
An utterly sublime half- hour of television, rounded off with a chorus of Build by The Housemartins, that was missing just one thing – a BBC1 continuity announcer who can keep quiet during the closing credits.
It’s not much to ask.
Random TV irritations
ITV’S perfectly vile drama Joan missing the look and feel of the 1980s by about 30 years.
Shirley Ballas failing to chin Anton du Beke the second time he used her as a dance prop, on Strictly.
Big Brother’s Hanah starting a sentence with “I can’t lie”, every time she’s about to lie.
And Nicola Thorp appearing in the credits of BBC1’s Showtrial, where she played a smug left-of-centre broadcaster, as “Christine Stewart”, rather than “Herself”.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
Strictly Come Dancing, Tess Daly: “I certainly enjoyed your samba swagger, for what it’s worth.” (Precisely nothing.)
Big Brother, Marcello: “Honestly, that was the best TV to watch.”
And Cast Away, Phillip Schofield: “I’m not doing this as a ‘poor me’.”
So may God help us all if Phillip ever strays into self-pity.
JUST one funny moment so far from Big Brother.
Lily: “So what does a forensic psychologist do?”
Ali: “Forensics is just talking about any legal aspect of psychology, so it might be civil court stuff or it might be a criminal court. So I work with people in prison, basically.”
Pause.
“I work in a Chinese takeaway.”
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URGENT assistance required on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins for Shazia Mirza, who, reflecting on her stand-up career, says: “The hardest thing is to keep going. There’s so many times I’ve wanted to give up, so many times I’ve thought, ‘Why am I doing this? What’s the point?’.”
Anyone?
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TV name of the month
AND thanks to everyone who correctly identified the TV Name Of The Month as the legal affairs adviser from Cast Away, with Phillip Schofield: Emma Cockshutt.
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