FREDDIE FLINTOFF’S Field Of Dreams, on BBC1, and ITV2’s latest Mediterranean dating show, Olivia Attwood’s Bad Boyfriends, are two very different shows trying to achieve exactly the same thing.
Both claim they want to turn a ramshackle bunch of working-class lads into fully functioning adult men.
But, I swear, they occupy such extreme ends of the quality scale you’d need our very own Arthur Edwards, on board the International Space Station, to get them in shot at the same time.
For, on the one hand, you’ve got a series made with genuine love built around a towering central figure who commands respect from everyone without ever crushing the spirit or identity of the boys.
And on the other you’ve got Olivia Attwood’s Bad Boyfriends, which is “a unique relationship competition”, albeit one the eight male contestants had no idea they were entering.
’Cos they thought they were taking part in another piece of c**p called Brotopia, “the hunt for Britain’s manliest man”, with Pete Wicks.
It’s only when Olivia arrives that the poor saps realise their girlfriends have actually enrolled them on an ITV2 show trial for “flirts, cheats, commitment-phobes and the man-child”.
A development which probably didn’t provoke too many howls of anguish as they are swaggering fools given to claims like: “People think I’m full of myself . . . but it’s not my fault I’m so good at things.”
Most frowned upon of the lot, though, is probably Ryan, whose overwrought partner Sapphia denounces him as someone who: 'Likes anything with big boobs and a pulse'.
In terms of their crimes against humanity, though, I’m not sure lawyers will be preparing reports for The Hague’s International Court of Justice any time soon.
According to despairing girlfriend Lana, for instance Tom T is “lazy at home”, while Liily claims partner Ruben “licks his lips when he talks to other women”, which may indeed become an arrestable offence under Two-Tier Keir.
Most frowned upon of the lot, though, is probably Ryan, whose overwrought partner Sapphia denounces him as someone who: “Likes anything with big boobs and a pulse.”
Katie Price? Cardi B? Colin Montgomerie?
You’ll have to be more specific before I become too judgmental, as, like most of the other failings here, I suspect it’ll be cured by the simple process of growing up, without any help from ITV2.
Olivia’s in no mood for reason, though. She’s sent them to a Greek caravan park for a period of “separation and reflection” and then on to a series of games which begin with the boys all receiving electric shocks to their backsides if they answer questions incorrectly.
“What is Anya’s bra size?” “How many people has Anna slept with?” “What is the craziest place Liily’s had sex?”
The Priory? A padded cell in Broadmoor? Kilmarnock?
I only ask, because it swiftly becomes apparent the blokes are the least of Bad Boyfriends’ problems.
The girls are far crazier, in fact, but nothing like as unpleasant or deranged as ITV2, whose messages are mixed, to say the very least.
Indeed, it is the home of Love Island’s Casa Amor, which exists for no other reason than to encourage cheating and before that, ITV2 gave the world Dapper Laughs: On The Pull, which was described as “a rapist’s almanac”.
Yet now the channel’s tutting away like Harriet Harman?
It’s an impossible transformation to swallow, but what really blows my mind is that, by treating working-class males with respect, Freddie Flintoff’s brilliant cricket show is the outlier here.
The rest of TV, from Bad Boyfriends to Sherwood, just sees them as a problem to be humiliated, scorned, stereotyped, punished and dismissed.
Indeed, this may be the reason why the Bad Boyfriends accept their own humiliation so meekly.
I would hope, though, that if the show does restore any sense of self-worth they do the decent thing, once it’s all over, and sue ITV2 from here to Brotopia.
God knows, television’s got it coming.
PARALYMPIC subtitle of the week. The actual word was “bowed”, the legend that appeared was, “Jonnie Peacock is beaten, but his head isn’t borrowed”, which is a whole different level of Paralympics classification.
BBC1’s Celebrity MasterChef has a new opening challenge, Under The Cloche.
Contestants have to guess the identity of the mystery ingredient, beneath the silver lid, while viewers have to try to guess the identity of the “celebrity” and work out where the hell they might have seen them before.
No straightforward task with this week’s batch, who are: A Sugababe (Mutya Buena), Strictly’s Vito Coppola, late-night radio DJ OJ Borg, who’s programmed to remind us he’s “a vegetarian” once every seven minutes, Diane Carson from The Traitors, and human Pringles logo Dominic Skinner, the Glow Up judge, who says he’s nicknamed his cats “John and Gregg, as a useful tool”. Which must be the first time Gregg Wallace has ever been called “useful”.
Dominic also claims, “I’ve got a little chef inside me who’s desperate to come out”, but I’ve probably never heard of him either, so let’s not go there.
Despite their overwhelming obscurity, though, there’s ritual flattery to be observed at every stage of this show and the contestants must confirm they’re out of their “comfort zone”, just as surely as an “astonished” Gregg then has to reply: “You’ve performed in front of thousands of people, and you’re more nervous about cooking for John and me?”
Well, no, not really. But the wheels come off the whole franchise if they’re as unintentionally honest as John Torode, who took one bite out of OJ’s tortilla and said: “I’m pleased to tell you, the pineapple is the star of the show.”
And will certainly get no argument from me.
ON Friday’s episode of Celebrity Help! My House Is Haunted, singer Russell Watson successfully roused the living dead with a quick burst of Abide With Me. And if that doesn’t reassure the medical teams at Uniworld Cruises, who’ve booked Russell to entertain their customers on La Venezia in October, then, frankly, nothing will.
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Housesteads was a fort on which barrier built to protect the north west frontier of Roman Britain?”
Amahra: “Fort Knox.”
The Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In a fairytale by Hans Christian Andersen, a princess is unable to sleep because she feels which legume under a pile of mattresses?”
Joe Pasquale: “The Blue Lagoon.”
Romesh: “In the animal kingdom, which W is a winged insect that lives in a nest known as a vespiary?” Jowita Przystal: “Lion.”
And The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which actor speaks the last line in the 1968 film Planet Of The Apes?”
Jay: “Caesar.”
WHO Do You Think You Are? reaching the end of its interesting life with the “revelation” Rose Ayling-Ellis’s three-times great-grandmother applied for a 38ft planning extension to her pub in 1911.
BBC London News devoting a pitiful 23 seconds to the two Notting Hill Carnival murders when it normally can’t shut up about this wretched event. And Channel 4’s Adam Hills, of the all-male Last Leg, claiming the participation of trans athlete Valentina Petrillo shows “just how inclusive the Paralympics are”.
News he should share, face-to-face, with all the women who are being forced out of sport by these imposters.
TROY DEENEY: “Everton’s performance was nothing to jump out of the sky about.”
Michael Dawson: “Today there’ll be some sleepless nights.” And Mike Atherton: “Joe Root will be going up the Lord’s stairs. The first set, first. Then the second set.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
WITH thanks to the question-setters at ITV’s wretched new Saturday-night game show Password who, with just one clue made any further comment unnecessary.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month. The Last Leg In Paris, Josh Widdicombe: “We are aiming to do 11 good shows in a row.” One would be a start.
“I’m Stephen Mangan, we’ll see you next time on Password.”
And Sven, Faria Alam: “I’ll be honest, I was a beautiful girl and attracted a lot of attention.”
By which Faria means, she’s conceited and was available.
NOT for one second am I suggesting EastEnders has degenerated into yet another round of woke bingo these past couple of weeks.
However . . . George has suddenly been restyled as “Kwame”, following the arrival of his autistic Ghanaian brother Kojo, Eve has become engaged to secret lesbian lover Suki, whose former flame Ayesha announced her arrival with the words: “I now run a group for LGBTQI+ Sikhs and . . . ”
HOUSE!
GARY OLDMAN farting back to life as Jackson Lamb in the Apple TV+ masterpiece Slow Horses.
Freddie Flintoff’s award-worthy Field Of Dreams on BBC One.
BBC Two’s three-part Zelensky series, charting the leader’s astonishing rise from comedian and Dancing With The Stars contestant to President of Ukraine, which is as far-fetched as imagining Seann Walsh becoming UK Prime Minister, or indeed a comedian.
And Freddy and Jeff Brazier attempting to cross from Brazil into Paraguay, weighed down by their rucksacks and unintelligible Essex accents, on BBC1’s brilliant Celebrity Race Across The World: “Ola, erm, da’ border?”
“Buddha? They have a mosque in Ciudad del Este, but no Buddhist temple.”
THIS week’s winner is trans Paralympic athlete Valentina Petrillo and Emily Maitlis.
Emailed in by JP.
