The Good Ship Murder is load of old ship – it’s so murderously awful, it’s brilliant
LATE to the party as always, it’s taken a nudge from readers and Gogglebox to make me realise something a bit special has been happening on Channel 5 these past eight weeks.
It’s a whodunnit drama called The Good Ship Murder and the phrase “ocean-going b*****ks” could almost have been invented for this show.
You could also describe it as “so bad it’s good”, but that would underestimate the scale of this one massively.
The Good Ship Murder is so epically, wonderfully, galactically bloody awful it’s absolutely brilliant.
It’s no slow burner, either. It announces its intentions from the opening bars of the theme tune, a jaunty little number, with a Sugar Sugar beat, called Adventure that’s sung by star of the show Shayne Ward.
Absolute havoc “Going on an adventure and I’ve got a feeling the sun don’t shine.
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“I’m in love with the ocean and I’ve got a feeling I’m sailing tonight.”
And if that doesn’t lure you in immediately, I feel certain you’ll be rooted to the sofa by the time I’ve explained that X Factor winner Shayne is Jack Grayling, a murder detective turned cabaret singer on board a 310-metre cruise liner which is crewed by six people and has an attrition rate like the Titanic.
One VIP guest is bumped off or abducted in every port the ship visits, but it’s not the local plod who solve the case, it’s Shayne, who rounds off each policing triumph by performing a pop industry standard (Dancing In The Moonlight, Daydream Believer, You To Me Are Everything) in front of the passengers that has absolutely nothing to do with anything that’s happened in the previous hour.
If you’re getting even the faintest whiff of glamour though, hold your horses. TGSM visited precisely two places in production.
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One was Southampton container port, the other was Malta, which has to double for everywhere else, including Barcelona, Casablanca and La Rochelle.
It plays absolute havoc with the continuity, as you can imagine. Glorious Mediterranean sunshine one scene, ping wet England, the next.
The thing that really sets TGSM apart, however, are the actors, who cover every part of the struggling spectrum, from Claire Sweeney, who’s giving it far too much, to Shayne himself, who fails to nail one single line in eight episodes.
To help him out, they’ve given him various props, including a cup of coffee and a whisky tumbler that’s meant to hint at Jack’s darker side.
The main one, though, is Coronation Street’s Catherine Tyldesley, who’s not just been tasked with playing First Officer Kate Woods, she has to pretend to fall hopelessly in love with Jack as well.
Dame Judi Dench, in her prime, would’ve struggled with that one.
I swear, though, I saw more sexual chemistry when I visited Edinburgh zoo’s giant panda enclosure than this pair displayed all series.
And poor old Yang Guang had been castrated for two years by that point.
If it sounds like I’m a little smitten with Jack, Kate and the show though, then you’re not wrong, and there’s a simple reason why that goes beyond the intoxicating awfulness.
The Good Ship Murder is a woke-free zone.
To such an extent, there’s a squeeze of accordion when the ship docks in France and a burst of the Godfather theme as it reaches Sicily.
The plots may also be Scooby-Dooishly simple but unlike every other modern drama, where the murderer is nearly always the white bloke, you cannot second guess The Good Ship Murder purely on race and gender grounds.
It’s another reason why I’m desperately hoping there’s a second series, The Good Ship Murder: Caribbean (Malta), and even a third, The Good Ship Murder: Norwegian Fjords (Malta).
But if there’s not — and the network’s silence is currently deafening — then I thank Channel 5 for making me smile and hope Shayne picks up on the hint that was dropped in Jack’s last line of the series.
“This is where I’m meant to be, Kate. On a ship, all at sea, wondering what comes next.”
Hold that thought, champ.
BORED OF THE JUNGLE
FOR a long time, during this underwhelming I’m A Celeb series, it seemed likely ITV’s Josie Gibson would be crowned ITV’s Queen Of The jungle.
My hope was, then, that a new contender would emerge.
But when it did, it was the even more insanely annoying Sam Thompson, rather than the funny and self-reliant Tony Bellew, who deserves to win having coped with the boisterous little cling-on from Made In Chelsea heroically.
Whatever the outcome, though, it won’t save the series, which has been dogged by bad weather, dull trials, spineless also-rans like Grace Dent and Jamie Lynn Spears, and actively unpleasant campmates like control-freak Fred Sirieix and that monstrous race-baiter Nella Rose, who will hopefully now return to the obscurity of her full-time job as professional victim.
Star of the show, of course, was meant to be £1.5million signing Nigel Farage, who’s been all but vanished by the production team either because ITV got cold feet about all the controversy his inclusion had caused or, like every politician I’ve ever met, he’s simply a bit dull and socially inept whenever the topic of conversation moves away from Westminster.
The upshot is that the clear favourite is now Sam, who blew the one chance he had for some quiet self-reflection when he woke up to find his camp bed sheets covered in blood and said: “I had a leech attached to my arse and I feel so violated.”
Well, now you know exactly how Tony feels.
lINCIDENTALLY, there are many indignities I’ll suffer on behalf of this column, but The Full Monty, with Gemma Collins, isn’t one of them. Column returns on December 22.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In geography, the Kingdom of Lesotho is entirely surrounded by which other country?”
Catherine Tyldesley: “Wales.”
Romesh: “In maths, what is 22 multiplied by four?” Ricky Haywood-Williams: “5,000.”
Romesh: “In education, what H is the usual term for studies or assignments pupils are required to do outside of regular schooling?”
Penny Lancaster: “History.” Celebrity Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “The 2023 Fifa women’s World Cup was hosted by Australia and which other country?”
Jayde Adams: “England.”
Don’t give them ideas, Jayde.
Random TV irritations
BBC1 screening a Strictly Come Dancing results show without any results.
That tiresome old sod Russell T Davies deciding Dr Who is now gay and Sir Isaac Newton is Asian.
ITV failing to make Bushtucker Trial sicknotes illegal.
And the Euro 2024 draw being interrupted by sex noises, which were the result of a prankster but could just as easily have been made by Chris Sutton talking about Jude Bellingham.
CHARLOTTE (Crosby) in Sunder- land, at the hospital watching partner Jake have an MRI scan: “I’ve never seen my boyfriend’s brain before.”
That’s because you’re not looking far enough down.
Lookalike of the Week
Sent in by Richard Mullen, Cove, Aberdeen.
Great sporting insights
MICHAEL DAWSON: “The top two will be City, Arsenal and Liverpool.”
Peter Drury: “We’re in the 96th minute of the 95.”
And Chris Sutton: “England are the stand-out favourites. Along with France.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
TV Gold
THE battleships twist on Squid Game: The Challenge. The Simpsons nailing Edinburgh’s Fringe Festival in just six words: “It’s so clever without being good.”
The swift and necessary eviction of Nella Rose on I’m A Celebrity. Ant commentating on Tony Bellew’s progress through a large plastic snake on the Eaten Alive Bushtucker Trial: “Moving through the rectum and . . . it’s a boy!”
And Harry Hill making fellow guest Chris Packham bristle and me guffaw for the first ever time, while watching The Last Leg: “It was arguably our generation that filled the ocean with plastic and burnt all the fossil fuels.
"But you know what? It was a lot of fun.”
Great TV lies and delusions of the week
I’m A Celeb, Fred Sirieix: “I’ve got no problem with somebody else cooking.”
Charlotte In Sunderland: “You would not believe what a complete and utter waste of time the National Television Awards was.”
(Oh I would)
And Celebrity Mastermind Jayde Adams: “I like making people happy.”
Yet still there’s no word on her retirement.
I’M A Celeb, Jamie Lynn Spears: “Maybe all the Brits will be like, ‘Who is this dumb redneck coming in here?’”
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No, we’re very familiar with Nigel, thanks.
lTV name of the week. The Designer on BBC4’s The Sperm Donor Doctor, Louka Hoogendijk.