Unfunny types like Mel Giedroyc on Eurovision is really Nort on
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I can’t be 100 per cent sure when Eurovision overkill got to me, but it was possibly the moment BBC1’s lunchtime anchor Jane Hill told us “The atmosphere in Liverpool is vibrant”, before handing over to a Beeb reporter who confirmed: “Yes, Jane, it’s vibrant.”
You’ll understand, then, I was a little jaded by the time BBC1 reached the actual contest.
A joint UK/Ukraine enterprise this year, hosted by Alesha Dixon and Julia Sanina, who were comprehensively out-shouted and out-gurned by Hannah Waddingham, the woman Bet Lynch could’ve been if Coronation Street had been set in a Basingstoke wine bar instead of a Manchester pub.
Still, the great thing about Eurovision is it can always rely on the cutting brilliance of Graham Norton, who dashed a lot of those hopes after just 11 minutes when he announced that, in order to help out the three hosts, he’d be leaving us temporarily: “In the more than capable hands of Mel Giedroyc.”
The what? Why? Capable?
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It’s the very last word I’d use to describe Mel Giedroyc, who is neither a comedian nor a presenter.
She’s an over-ironic, whimsy-driven bore whose habit of abbreviating words like “Eurovish” is even more grating than her over-familiar tone.
“Hello gang.” “How are the parties going, gang?”
“I’m suddenly emotional, gang.” “Everyone loves Sam Ryder, gang.”
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Mel would also be holding our hands through the half-time entertainment and voting process, the gang was warned.
Before then, thankfully, we had Norton and the 26 songs, where things set off at a fair old Alpine lick with Austria’s Edgar Allan Poe chant and the Swiss entry, Remo Forrer, singing “I don’t wanna be a soldier.”
Which, in terms of a fait accompli, is right up there with Germany singing: “I don’t wanna be a stand-up comedian.”
A satisfying number of real Euro crazies had also made it through the semis, including Moldova, Croatia, Germany and the dementedly brilliant Finnish entry, Cha Cha Cha, performed by Käärijä, who was teed up to perfection by Norton: “If you have a nightmare you’ve been tagged by a Brussels sprout, it’s this man’s fault.”
No one was spared by our host, though, not even the winner of Junior Eurovision Lissandro who “you wouldn’t call unconfident”.
No sooner had the contest hit its stride, though, than Norton was gone again and it was time for the half-time entertainment, where the production tried to perform two equally impossible tasks.
Whimsy-driven bore
One was a salute to the enduring glory of Ukraine minus President Zelensky, who’d been banned from appearing by the EBU cretins.
The other was a celebration of Merseyside music without The Beatles.
So instead of the real-life Paul McCartney and his songs we had some Dutch bloke called Mahmood singing Imagine so badly some viewers were probably petitioning for Mark Chapman’s release long before he hit the chorus.
It was still rattling my tinnitus, in fact, when Saturday’s contest reached the results stage, at which point Mel Giedroyc began talking and never stopped, crushing comedy, co-hosts, important information and funny foreign jurors in her path.
She even missed the glorious moment when stroppy French entrant La Zarra flipped the finger at voters because she was too busy telling us: “That’s Eurovish.”
What it needed, of course, was a decent producer to tell her: “Shut up, you’re ruining everything.”
Or, failing that, the distraction of a last-minute surge from Finland to overhaul Loreen’s Tattoo, a sub-Winner Takes It All dirge from Sweden that had been leading from the word go.
But neither came and I sensed all life leaving the Liverpool Arena when Loreen was declared the winner.
Opinions, I understand, will differ on that one, as they do on nearly all matters Eurovision.
I trust, though, after such a disastrous audition for the top job from Mel Giedroyc, we are all agreed on one thing.
Britain’s involvement in Eurovision should probably die with Graham Norton . . . gang.
Baftas play a blinder
ALL available evidence continues to suggest Bafta is run by people who don’t watch television and despise those who do, believing their time would be better spent devoted to woke causes and generally getting on the public’s nerves.
All of which would be fine if TV didn’t indulge their condescension.
Yet every year BBC1 continues to broadcast Bafta’s awards, where they ignore Joe Lycett’s overwhelming Qatar hypocrisy, treat foghorning oaf Big Zuu like the new Attenborough and prostrate themselves before the solemn mutterings of Professor David Olusoga, a man who could find racism lurking in your toenail clippings and blame it all on the British Empire.
Bafta clearly thinks this makes them look caring and clever, but it actually just means they’re blind to genuinely brilliant, agenda-lite TV, like The White Lotus and The Responder, which won a grand total of zero awards on Sunday.
Add to that the usual emotional incontinence, from the likes of Kate Winslet and a desperate attempt to court the youth audience via some backstage charisma void called Amelia Dimoldenberg, who showed just how edgy she was by asking winners “How are you feeling?” and it could’ve been a very bleak evening indeed.
However, on the plus side, having forgotten him completely at February’s film awards, Bafta did finally acknowledge the career of the great Bernard Cribbins in the obits section.
What lovely lovely people . . .
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “The steam locomotive that was the first to be officially recorded reaching 100 miles per hour is The Flying what?”
Kadeena Cox: “Barnet.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “In medical records, the abbreviation NAI stands for Non Accidental what?” Ali: “Resuscitation.”
Bradley Walsh: “Which legendary footballer played his last game for Stoke City in 1965?”
Chester: “Ian Wright.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The emu is a large flightless bird native to which Antipodean country?”
Shannon: “China.”
Random TV irritations
PAUL BURRELL attempting to whimper his way into the public’s affections on I’m A Celeb South Africa.
The word “Rylan” appearing in Eurovision’s closing credits, because he’s just too famous for a surname.
Ten Pound Poms “borrowing” its “one- legged wallaby” joke from Riff-Raff’s famous “one-legged cat” line.
Bafta giving two awards to BBC2’s Dutch buy-in The Traitors but none to ITV’s entirely original The 1% Club.
And arch-hypocrite Joe Lycett dedicating his Features prize to “all the people still being oppressed in Qatar”, without making it clear whether he’ll continue to legitimise that oppression by playing gigs in Qatar.
AS for TV name of the week, the producer of Channel 4’s deeply depressing Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, Sophie Eacock, lost out, by a single consonant, to the show’s hot head operator, Holly Squelch.
Great sporting insights
SAM ALLARDYCE: “We can only do what we did today. Just better.”
Clinton Morrison: “Stockport have got a corner in a dangerous position.”
Gary Weaver: “Sheffield Wednesday are going to have to lick themselves.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
lTV answer of the week, Family Fortunes, Gino D’Acampo: “Name a famous magician.”
Chloe: “Magic Mike.”
ON E4’s The Big Celebrity Detox, reality show veteran David Potts drank a bottle of his own p**s while flanked by Kerry Katona, Too Hot To Handle’s Chloe Veitch and Martin Roberts off Homes Under The Hammer.
But you know the most remarkable thing here?
It still genuinely felt like a step up from Apocalypse Wow.
UNLIKELY EastEnders plot developments number 10,807: Permanently narked Stacey Slater shares her concerns about becoming a webcam girl with Eve: “Someone’s offered me more money for a video where I show my face.”
“And?”
And take it, Stacey. It won’t be repeat business.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month.
This Morning, Phillip Schofield: “Colin From Accounts has been the talk of our make-up room for some time now.” (I’ll wager it hasn’t.)
Eurovision, Mel Giedroyc: “Big things are ahead for Mae Muller.”
And I’m a Celebrity South Africa, Newton’s Cradle challenge, Phil Tufnell: “Fatima secured the balls for us.”
That’s just a vicious rumour, Phil.
TV Gold
THE outstanding Jeany Spark as sweary Naomi in series two of Amazon Prime’s Hapless.
Warren Brown and a plot twist making me hope BBC1’s Ten Pound Poms could be more than just Call The Midwife in a corked hat.
BBC Scotland’s Aberdeen ’83: Once In A Lifetime explaining how the mighty Dons were motivated to win the Cup Winners’ Cup by Fergie’s genius and Archie Knox’s baseball bat.
The Masked Singer deservedly winning Best Entertainment show at the Baftas.
And BBC2’s The Stones And Brian Jones, which featured so many sincerely horrible people it’d be hard for Harry Enfield to make a parody.
I think he should try, though.
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Eurovision gurner Hannah Waddingham and Ursula the sea witch from The Little Mermaid.
Sent in by R Prentice, Edinburgh.
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Winner receives £65 and a copy of the inspirational Never Will I Die, by the remarkable SBS soldier Toby Gutteridge.
A book that might just change your life.