Whinge, whinge, whinge…. cry. The latest from Harry and Meghan’s Netflix pity party
THERE comes a point, watching Harry and Meghan’s Netflix pity party, when you’ve exhausted all your anger, bafflement, despair and there’s only one reaction left open to you.
Laughter.
My first arrived during episode three when Meghan fondly recalled the Sandringham Christmas where she convinced herself she’d enchanted “H’s grandfather” (Prince Philip) until, with the best effort at modesty Her Ladyship could manage, she was forced to admit Harry broke bad news: “He was, like, you had his bad ear.”
Or possibly his good one, given the company.
Either way, I couldn’t help snorting at the irony that, in the land of the deaf, the one-eared man will forever be king.
For they don’t come much more “mutton” than Harry and Meghan, who have four tin ones between them, not to mention all the timing and grace of a Third World flash flood.
Nauseating schmaltz
That’s why, notwithstanding the Queen’s recent death and a cost-of-living crisis, the pair of them fired three more episodes of their £88million fly-on-the-wall documentary yesterday at a weary British public who probably worked out long ago this was a woman who loved the idea of royal status almost as much as she hated the duty that came with it and was always going to bolt for California at the first opportunity.
If you caught the opening salvos, you’ll probably have ducked these next three bullets.
A smart move, it transpires, as they get lost in the couple’s tedious legal battles with The Mail on Sunday and veer haphazardly between weapons-grade indignation and nauseating schmaltz, thanks to Meghan and Harry, who are so completely self-absorbed the only intrusion Covid makes is to knacker their private security arrangements.
The poor lambs, we learnt, were forced to move to Tyler Perry’s Beverly Hills mansion, which must have been hell for them.
Gratitude never seems to occur to either half, though, as they’re both so lacking in self-awareness Meghan spends the opening part of episode four bitterly denying diva behaviour, while also complaining their Kensington Palace cottage was “soooo small”.
Their relationship with the truth, of course, remains entirely elastic, whether it’s claiming Meghan was advised not to invite her niece to their wedding (she wasn’t), or disingenuously expressing surprise ITV used footage of her crying over mental health issues in the famous Tom Bradby documentary.
The constant whinge, whinge, whinge grates after a minute or two as well, so that’s possibly why I became distracted by the production’s utterly deranged fixation with the Loose Women and the wild political claims made by an unholy trinity of left-wing activists, Kehinde Andrews, cut-and-paste journalist Afua Hirsch and Professor David Olusoga, a man who could find racism lurking in your sock drawer and genuinely asks us to believe the marriage was doomed to failure because of the racial tensions thrown up by Brexit.
An idea which holds about as much academic clout as me suggesting they legged it to Montecito because Meghan’s a Leo and her north node was transitioning in Uranus.
As “concerned” as all three of these characters try to look, they’re not honest brokers or doing Harry and Meghan any favours.
In fact both sides of the equation are working purely on the basis that my enemy’s enemy is my friend.
I’ll say this for them, though, at least while Prof Dave and the comrades were spinning away you didn’t have to listen to the Sussexes moaning, dissembling, buck-passing, basking in the own moral purity and lying, which neither are very good at, especially not actress Meghan, who inserts a theatrical pause every time she’s about to play with the truth and your sympathies, before adding: “ . . . and then everything changed.”
Multiple times she does it to let you know they are always the well-intentioned victims, even during the final episode when Prince Philip dies. A moment, I thought, might finally be the day when the penny drops and they look beyond themselves.
But no! Remarkably, Harry comes back moaning he didn’t get an apology.
Why or from who, I don’t know because, before you know it, Meghan’s telling us about her Californian friend’s New Year’s Eve party “where she asks everyone who’s sitting there ‘what is your word for the year’?” And then she hits us with this bombshell.
“My word for that year . . . is truth.”
At which point, I gave myself another hernia laughing and had to give up.
See you next year.
So long genius of June
EASTENDERS laid it on thick for Dot Cotton’s funeral this week, with far too much of everything, including information and excuses.
Among those who couldn’t make it, we had: Cora (bad hip), Carole, who was otherwise detained, Charlie, who was “gutted”, Max, who was having it off with Lauren’s ex-best mate in New Zealand, Robbie, who “couldn’t afford the airfare from India”, and everyone else who was dead.
A sad state of affairs which didn’t seem to stop Lofty from making an appearance, along with Colin, Barry Clark, Disa the Geordie prostitute, Ian Beale and Mary the punk, who seems to have picked up some work as a female Biggins impersonator since leaving in 1988.
The funeral itself turned into a tag team eulogy where no one quite found the right words to sum up the vulnerable, eccentric, buttoned-up nature of Dot, the Square’s resident hypochondriac, let alone June Brown, the genius who breathed life into one of Walford’s finest and funniest ever characters.
However, on Tuesday night, Sonia did find the strength to deliver this moving observation, which could’ve come straight from June’s mouth: “Funerals, hey. They take more out of you than a rectal prolapse.”
Happy Christmas.
AND the really bad news? The Last Leg, Adam Hills: “On Monday, I was granted permanent residency in the UK.”
So there may be no trains, nurses, ambulances or heating, but there won’t be any shortage of smug, left-wing comedians this Christmas.
Unexpected morons in bagging area
LIGHTNING, Zoe Lyons: “In what classic board game are the hippopotamus defence and Queen’s gambit opening moves?”
Shui: “Cluedo.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Jellied moose nose is a delicacy in Alaska and what Commonwealth country?”
Hollie: “Italy.”
Bradley Walsh: “In 2020, which celebrity cook and writer was awarded a damehood?”
Jude: “Fanny Cradock.”
Random TV irritations
ABSOLUTELY everyone on ITV’s World Cup panel beginning a sentence with the words: “No disrespect to Morocco, but . . . ”
BBC commentator Steve Wilson suddenly adding extra syllables and vowels to the name of French hero “Antoine Grey-ease-eh-mann.”
Joe Lycett’s endless desperation for attention.
BBC2’s Trailblazers being given a car lift up their final 14,000ft Pikes Peak challenge, in honour of the 19th-century explorer Isabella Bird. And Emily Atack delighting us all with the observation: “My fanny is freezing up.” Which seems unlikely, unless China hit zero emissions a week last Thursday.
Great World Cup insights
MARTIN KEOWN: “We’re one of the best teams still in the tournament and we’re out.”
Gary Neville: “I think England edged it in the end, but not with the scoreline.”
Ian Wright: “We’ve got players France will fear as well. So it’s not fear from both sides, it’s respect.”
Martin Keown: “We’ve gone backwards a little bit, in terms of how far we’ve gone in the tournament, but I think we’ve come a long way forward.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
MEANWHILE, on their way to a Rocky Mountains wolf sanctuary, in episode three of BBC2’s Trailblazers travelogue, Ruby Wax, Emily Atack and Mel B got distracted by a “Sasquatch sighting” road sign, prompting this conversation.
Ruby: “Guess what a Sasquatch is?”
Emily: “A vegetable?” Mel: “A ghost?”
Ruby: “Have you ever heard of Bigfoot?”
Emily: “Yes. So what’s a Yeti?” Mel: “I thought that was a boat thing?”
Emily: “No, that’s jetty.” Mel: “So it’s like the Loch Ness thing?” Ruby: “No, that’s a dragon.”
And still they didn’t call this show Dunces With Wolves.
GREAT TV lies of the week. Harry & Meghan, Harry: “She has this warmth about her.”
Trailblazers, Mel B: “You’re not a let down, you’re flippin’ Ruby Wax.”
The Traitors, comedian Hannah: “I’m nothing if not gracious and hilarious.”
Nothing it is then.
TV Gold
ROB BECKETT sparing no one’s feelings on Celebs Go Dating.
Saturday’s I Can See Your Voice concluding with “Hiker” mauling Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word and “Heaven Scent” screeching “I’m going to swing from the chandelier.” (I really wouldn’t).
Jimmy Carr telling an indignant Last Leg audience: “Meghan Markle’s a lifelong feminist, which’s demonstrated by marrying a prince and giving up her job.”
And the enthralling end to series two of The White Lotus, which leaves it in blanket finish with Rogue Heroes and Winning Time: The Rise Of The Lakers Dynasty, for the title Best Drama of 2022.
If you haven’t seen it, watch nothing else over Christmas.
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is France manager Didier Deschamps and Old Man Steptoe. Sent in by Shane Allen, Jersey.
Picture research: AMY READING
- COLUMN returns December 30 with a full review of TV year.