Orphan: First Kill review – Esther is a true horror but her origin story lacks the thrills to terrify

ORPHAN: FIRST KILL

(15) 99mins

★★★☆☆

ORPHANED children in films can be creepy – look at the relentlessly chirpy Annie or that strangely posh Oliver Twist.

But there are none more terrifying than Esther, the stone-cold psychopath with some serious daddy issues.

After the success of 2009’s Orphan, which introduced the world to the murderous “child” who is actually a grown woman with a growth-affecting hormonal disorder, this gives the origin story of Esther (played again by Isabelle Fuhrman)

We find her in a psychiatric facility in cold, bleak Estonia where we learn her real name is Leena.

Leena is sassy and clever, unlike her fellow classic movie-madhouse residents, who are backcomb-haired maniacs painting red crosses during art class.

She breaks out by committing brutal mass murder with ease and hits the internet to search for missing young girls she resembles.

She finds Esther, who has been missing for four years, and her rich American parents Tricia (Julia Stiles) and Allen Albright (Rossif Sutherland).

Naturally, zero DNA tests are done on this woman-child claiming to be a girl who was snatched from the street and taken to Russia, and Esther is handed straight to the Albrights on a private jet.

Back at their mansion and dressed like a weird, Victorian doll, Esther instantly develops a dangerous crush on her dad, hates her preppy brother, Gunnar (Matthew Finlan) and is jealous of her mum . . . all just as it was in the first film. It soon starts to feel like you know the crime before it’s even been committed.

But then a fantastic twist creates a curveball you didn’t see coming that hits you straight in your I-know-where-this-is-going face.

Stiles is excellent as the mum who’ll do anything to defend her family and steals every scene she’s in.

There’s plenty of gore and violence to please horror film lovers, but a severe lack of suspense and jump-in-your-seat moments to make it a true terror.

While there are far too many classic tropes of the genre relied on, and one too many holes in the story, Esther remains the orphan you definitely don’t want the adoption agency dropping at your door.

FISHERMAN’S FRIENDS: ONE AND ALL

(12A) 111mins

★★★☆☆

IN this sequel to 2019’s Fisherman’s Friends – based on the true story of Cornish fishermen turned pop stars – the boys have just returned home after touring the nation and weathering the fandom of pubgoers and hen-dos.

The group are then pressured by their mercenary music overlords to turn into woke warriors.

But stormy waters lie ahead as Jim (James Purefoy) quits the band while struggling to deal with his father’s death.

Purefoy delivers a powerful performance that expertly navigates loss and romance, with love interest Aubrey Flynn (Imelda May), and brings much-needed fresh air to a stuffy script.

Sadly, the feel-good flick has all the subtlety of a harpoon to the face when it comes to tackling issues such as sexism, grief and marital woes.

Clichéd lines including “Boys do cry” and “It’s really OK not to be OK” are rife and accompanied by predictable sub-plots.

Amusing moments includ-ing a funny fish finger scene will keep you hooked until the end, but this sea shanty sequel fails to make a big splash.

JOSH SAUNDERS

MY OLD SCHOOL

(15) 105mins

★★★★☆

EVERYONE has one classic tale from school – but few could compare to this bizarre documentary.

It follows Brian MacKinnon, who at age 30 posed as a 16-year-old pupil in a bid to become a doctor, years after being booted out of medical school.

And despite students at Bearsden Academy, near Glasgow, noticing that the “pupil” had “old skin” and “looked like a teacher”, MacKinnon hoodwinked everyone for two years.

When the truth emerged in 1995 it became international news.

Now Brian shares his story through actor Alan Cumming, who lip-syncs to an audio recording.

Students recall the oddball and their words are animated with a 90s-style cartoon, which features narration from pop star Lulu.

Yet Brian – who boasted of having an IQ of 158 at the age eight – is betrayed by his desire for popularity.

“Hiding in plain sight is the best,” Brian maintains, but audiences may disagree.

Director Jono McLeod balances seriousness and silliness but fails to get top marks for letting Brian off the hook and not giving him a grilling  . . . or a much-needed detention.

JOSH SAUNDERS