Eurovision final 2021 LIVE: Italy WINS as James Newman for the United Kingdom gets zero points

NEWS FROM THE SOCIAL MEDIAS

Presented without comment...

SPAIN

DULL. I lapsed into a light coma during this. I feel like the large moon fell and hit me. I say feel more wished for.

NEXT.

And no, TWITTER - I don't care if he's attractive.

ICELAND (NOT THE SHOP)

This is ridiculous so it should win.

I do fear they are cursed though - what with the whole being favourites and then being cancelled.

And then coming back strong and getting covid.

It'll be the jumpers.

SWITZERLAND

Firstly those trousers are a crime. Secondly - must we suffer this? 

You'd think it would be quite difficult to take against someone just living their best life - but it's not.

Much like Blanche from Corrie (RIP, queen) I take pleasure in the misfortune of others. And this is a lot of misfortune for a lot of people.

All this wailing. It's sort of like Christine and the Queens but if Christine was called Sharon and she was without any queens.

GREECE

That glitter will have to be washed on its own or she’ll be finding it in her laundry for months.

I have no idea what's going on or why she's dancing with a pair of tights.

It's like an episode of Doctor Who from 1973 and not in a fun way.

Poor love looks lost up there.

IT'S US!

Now I know I should be loyal but there are people dancing with trombones and the less said about that rain mac the better. I suppose it’s wipe clean and covid secured at least.

I mean it's better than Bonnie bloody Tyler or Scooch or whatever that mess was.

I hope it does well - it should when we send actually talented people like James Newman.

THIS IS WHY VLOGGERS...

Shouldn't be allowed to present things.

I don't care what is doing well on the internet - AND I'M LITERALLY ON THE INTERNET.

Instead of messing about with all these interruptions, let's just crack on and we can all be in bed by 10pm with a new winner.

Or we could listen to someone with 14 million followers annoy us.

SERBIA

Sort of like an alternative reality Little Mix. From Serbia. And nowhere near as good.

Did someone let that beauty vlogger at them before the show?

PORTUGAL

Is that a cowboy hat?

Cowboys are a bit 2016, don’t you think? That said, you’re about the only place we can go on holiday too SO GIVE THEM ALL THE POINTS.

Give them your first born if you must. Even if they insist on being in black and white.

POOR MALTA

They've never won before - but they have come second a couple of times.

This could do it - after all everyone is sat at home and it's not misery-inducing so it could cheer us all up.

MALTA

Now I’m a great fan of bacofoil and people shouting out lyrics while disguising small hand movements as dancing. So this is acceptable. 

Plus she's won before - admittedly as a kid.

RUSSIA

Give me strength. Bring back the grannies.

THESE WRITE THEMSELVES

She's crying.

She's in the wrong place.

She's ironic and she doesn't know it.

OH BELGIUM

Is she in pain? Christ only knows I am listening to this dross.

Where's Connie Sausage when you need her?

CAN I SUE?

I hope they have liability insurance because she just burst eardrums across the stadium.

I just didn't enjoy it so I would like to ensure I don't have to hear it again.

An injunction should do it.

ISRAEL

I mean is she just screaming at this point? Is it a cry for help rather than a song?

I'm already dreading her trying to hit that high note. Though I'm guessing if Mariah Carey was watching, she'd still be on the floor having passed out laughing.

I CAN'T DECIDE...

If this is more suited for a deodorant advert or a panty liner one.

I suppose we just need someone with blue liquid to let us know.

ALBANIA

She’s got lovely hair. But as Abba probably once said - a nice weave a Eurovision winner does not make.

As far as I'm concerned the only Angela worthy of winning is Lansbury.

So off you pop number two position. Solve a few hundred murders and then we'll talk.

CYPRUS

Is she singing about the devil? She could have dried her hair at least. Get the poor love a hairdryer!

And are we sure this isn’t Natasha Beddingfield after a bad Sunday service?

Those backbends aren't family friendly. I hope someone's got a mop for that floor.

IT'S ALWAYS NICE WHEN THEY SPEAK OTHER LANGUAGES

I'm being serious!

We'd only have Tess Daly saying the same thing in English but louder because that works.

It's funny because WE'LL NEVER WIN AGAIN.

IS THIS PANTO?

Because I've seen these outfits at the Oldham Coliseum's world famous pantomime each and every year.

Or I might just be thinking of Dick Whittington...

THE VLOGGER IS RHYMING

I don't care how many followers she's got, I'm going to spend the rest of my days reporting her for that tragic rhyming couplet.

You're not Shakespeare, you mess about with blush and film yourself.

Calm it.

IS THIS RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE?

Because I don't remember a bloody runway on Eurovision before?

Were they all busily sewing before the show and having a nervous breakdown while Ru watches over them and tells them they're trash.

Also Banarama.

IT'S GOING TO BE AN EMOTIONAL EVENING

Not for me though. I've got a heart of stone.

Though I might cry if this intro video continues for much longer.

AND WE'RE OFF

Or at least we will be when the adverts for what's on the BBC end.

I can feel the snark rising. IT'S HERE.