Men reveal their biggest turn offs from hairy nipples and ‘factory’ vaginas to crusty eyelashes and girls who talk about football

WOMEN tend to believe men are just grateful to get whatever sex they can.

But I'm here to tell you men are pretty easy to turn off and I have a list as long as my arm of things that kill my passion - including hairy nipples, girls talking about footie and vaginas after childbirth.

I conducted a in-depth scientific study - by asking my mates at my local pub- to compile a list of the biggest turn-offs we experience.

So if you women want to keep your man randy, pay close attention to the following and adhere to it like the Highway Code.

'I'd rather have sex with the lollipop lady than my wife'

Marriage is the the biggest buzz-kill when it comes to wanting sex — with your spouse, that is.

All of my friends admitted to feeling a crash bigger than the Lehman Brothers when it came to lust for their wives after tying the knot.

At the same time, they all experienced an explosion in their attraction to other women — be it her friends, celebs, lollipop ladies or anyone with a smile behind the checkout at Asda.

“Other women doubled in beauty straight away,” said one buddy. “They look like freedom, joy and pleasure — all the things that go when you sacrifice your life to making your wife happy … She started looking like a prison-warden.”

And I'll admit, I had amazing sex when I was married — just not with my Mrs.

I was chronically unfaithful — a habit I’m not proud of and have worked hard to mend in myself — as my desire for my wife dried up and my interest went elsewhere.

Married for five years and now divorced for 12, I look back on married life as cosy and sweet, but about as sexy as a soft-toy; I wanted to have my cake and eat it — as well lots of other people’s too.

One friend cherishes his freedom so much he gets turned off just by women cooking for him. “It’s a subconscious way of locking us into coupledom,” he says. “But it makes me flinch. It’s so domestic.”

'When women talk about footie my testosterone levels dry up so much that I start lactating'

“There’s nothing less sexy than a woman who’s into football,” an old pal complains.

While it might sound strange to some, I have to agree. When I listen to women prattle about players, tactics and technique, my testosterone levels dry up to the extent that I start lactating.

Women football fans never truly appreciate why men invented and love the game: as a means to escape women themselves.

It’s the communal equivalent of a garden shed.

Lots of men resent the way women colonise their social spaces — be it the stadium or the golf-club — given that we have no interest in taking over women’s pastimes.

You can keep your girls nights out and mummy meet-ups in coffee shops: blokes don’t want them.

Men respect women’s need to be with each other, but women have no such regard for us, which makes us feel trapped and smothered — and in no mood for sex.

'Swearing and acting manly' in general was a turn-off for everyone, so if you want to impress the fellas, ladies, don’t behave like one.

'Childbirth turned her vagina into a factory'

It’s not just the exhausting stressful grind of raising children that puts a lot of men off sex: witnessing childbirth can destroy his libido.

“I’ve never recovered,” says a good mate. “It was like a scene from Alien or Saving Private Ryan … It was truly amazing to see my children being born, but I wasn’t prepared for the blood and gore.

“I realised then that my girlfriend’s vagina isn’t a playground — it’s a factory.”

'Girls with hairy nipples should pluck'

Years ago, I was breathless when a gorgeous woman took off her bra as soon as we got home, only to be bamboozled by the hairy nipples on her otherwise perfect breasts.

I wasn’t turned off, just surprised, but she noticed my hesitation and sternly told me: “I’ve got hairy t*ts, you’re just going to have to deal with that.”

Having the hair pointed out and being ordered to get on with it like I’d been hired for the night was too much. My lack of enthusiasm during foreplay obvious and we ended up playing video games.

Had she plucked her boobs or pretended the fluff wasn’t there, we’d probably be together now — she was that hot — but a woman who’s hairy and tyrannical with it was more than I could handle.

A twenty-something chum recounts being shaken by sight of a 'bush the size of the Amazon jungle', joking: “It ran up the sides of her legs and rejoined as a swirl of hair on her navel. I wasn’t mentally ready for that.”

Unwilling to brave those dark woods alone, my snowflake friend 'made up some half-baked excuse and left'

But the older ones among us would’ve have happily had sex in both cases: “What freaks you out at 20 becomes kinky when you get to 40,” said one.

I was breathless when a gorgeous woman took off her bra as soon as we got home, only to be bamboozled by the hairy nipples on her otherwise perfect breasts"

'I don't like being told I have a small d***'

Funnily enough, being told he’s fat or under endowed doesn’t put men in the mood for love.

“My ex would criticise my weight or tell me I had small d*** when she was annoyed, so I stopped sleeping with her,” moaned a friend.

“When she complained after couple of weeks, I asked her why she thought it was now big enough.”

'Crusty eyelashes are a no'

Badly applied makeup comes high on the list of turn-offs — 'when she looks like a clown' or 'has crusts on her eyelashes' — as does bad breath.

Almost all of us were happy with most bodily odours — feet, armpits, general sweat and vaginas were all fine — but grotty breath was a universal no-no, and surprisingly common occurrence.

Another typical turn-off was using teeth during oral sex.

“It’s really sensitive down there,” grumbled my mate. “I don’t need it gnawed on like dog’s bone.”