Is your partner making you fat? The real reason why happy couples gain weight – and 4 ways to avoid it

IT’S a Wednesday evening and your partner suggests a takeaway from your favourite pizzeria up the road and a film in bed. 

You deliberate, but you do love pizza and snuggles under the duvet... Plus, you’ve barely spent any quality time together lately. 

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The next day, you open a bottle of wine at dinner together and drink the lot. That’s the third bottle this week. 

You know it’s not good to booze this much, but it’s just so much fun with your other half - so where's the harm?

Then on Friday night they come home with a packet of biscuits and offer you one, and then another. 

You try to stop at two, but you both end up polishing off every last crumb.  

Sound familiar? Whilst all of the above is obviously fine as a one-off treat, consistently slipping into unhealthy habits could lead to weight gain.

Research published in the journal Obesity found that, on average, married women gain 11kg (24lbs) in the first five years of marriage. 

Those in a relationship but living separately gain 7kg (15lbs). 

Men also gain weight. A study by Poland’s National Institute of Cardiology this week found blokes' obesity rates triple after tying the knot, with husbands 62 per cent more likely to be overweight than single fellas, and 3.2 times likelier to be obese.

So if you’ve noticed your unhealthy habits are starting to make you feel a little uncomfortable with your body - and your clothes are getting tighter - listen up. 

Here’s how experts say you can shift your mindset as a couple and shed those unwanted pounds - and it's not as hard as you might think. 

THE SCIENCE BEHIND YOUR COUPLE HABITS

Whether you’re dating, living together or married, you and your partner could be influencing each other's lifestyle choices.

“We are deeply influenced by our romantic partners because relationships create a sense of closeness, trust and shared identity,” Heather Garbutt, a love and relationship coach, tells Sun Health.

“When we’re emotionally connected to someone, their habits, opinions and lifestyle can start to shape our own, sometimes without us even realising it.”

In long-term relationships, this influence is even stronger. 

“Routines and behaviours become intertwined, but some people are naturally more susceptible to this than others,” Heather adds.

A lot of people get together then get complacent; they get comfortable and they gain a little bit of weight.

Nina MandairRelationship coach

“Those with empathic characteristics, people-pleasing tendencies, lower self-confidence or a strong desire for harmony in the relationship may be more likely to adopt their partner’s habits, even if they aren’t in line with their own values or health goals.”

A study in The New England Journal of Medicine found that if one half of a married couple becomes obese, there’s a 37 per cent higher chance of the spouse becoming obese too.

“A lot of people get together then get complacent; they get comfortable and they gain a little bit of weight,” says Nina Mandair, a certified sex, love and relationship coach.

Research in the journal Health Psychology found that newlyweds who are in a happy marriage tend to put on more weight than newlyweds who aren’t as happy in their relationship.  

The researchers behind the study said that happy couples are less motivated to maintain their weight when they don’t need to attract a mate. 

“It’s hard to shake unhealthy habits when they feel like something that brings you and your partner together, whether that be drinking, eating or Netflix and chill,” adds Nina.

“You're in this bubble of love and you've fallen into these habits.”

A GROWING PROBLEM

In fact, research in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explains a concept called symptom-system fit theory, which suggests that problematic behaviours are maintained by the social system in which they occur - such as the couple’s relationship - because they help promote a positive relationship in the short-term.

On a deeper level, unhealthy habits in a partner could be a repetition of unhealthy habits in childhood.

“When you’ve got that underlying sense of not being good enough, you felt neglected or abandoned as a child or your needs were not met, you’ll do whatever your partner wants to do, whenever they're available, whatever makes them happy,” Nina says.

“You'll fall into those habits as a part of self-neglect and dependence on them.”

It might also be the case that one of you in the relationship is more dependent on the other. 

It may be that the stronger, authoritative person leads and the other person follows.

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HOW TO DITCH THOSE UNHEALTHY HABITS

It will take time, but when you work together as a couple, you can reset your routine and introduce healthier habits, by following these four simple steps.

“Changing habits as a couple requires open communication, mutual understanding and a willingness to compromise,” says Heather.

1. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS

Firstly, healthy communication is essential in a relationship. 

If you’re feeling as though you want to make some changes, it’s time to open up.

“The best way to get your needs met is by asking for them,” says Nina. 

“Instead of just expecting your partner to mind-read all the time, say in a loving, healthy way, ‘I love it when we go for walks’, or, ‘It makes me so happy when we cook together’.

“Instead of going in with a negative and pointing the finger, make it a positive.”

Heather adds: “If one partner enjoys drinking regularly while the other prefers to cut back, the key is to approach the conversation from a place of understanding rather than criticism. 

“Instead of saying, ‘You drink too much’, it’s more effective to express personal feelings, such as, ‘I feel better when I drink less, and I’d love for us to find a balance that works for both of us’.

“This invites discussion rather than defensiveness.”

2. TAKE THE LEAD

Sometimes you might have to be one who makes the first move if you want to start implementing some changes. 

Try suggesting alternatives to your usual unhealthy habits.

Nina says: “Why not say, ‘I've got this really nice idea for us on Friday. Instead of us ordering our takeaway, I'm going to buy some ingredients and find a beautiful recipe for us’.”

It also helps to find some middle ground.

“If you want to cut down on drinking, for example, choose certain nights to drink and others to stay sober together as this can help create a sense of teamwork rather than opposition,” Heather says.

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3. SET GOALS

Multiple studies have shown that setting goals is linked to increased motivation and performance. 

“Creating a shared goal and each committing to it - whether that’s eating healthier, exercising together or simply being more mindful of habits - can build deeper emotional intimacy and trust,” says Heather.  

And if your partner has different goals to you? 

“Take accountability for yourself,” Nina says. “You have to have a healthy amount of time on your own to make yourself happy. 

“If the onus is all on someone else it just becomes too much and it's unsustainable.”

Write down your goals too. A study by the Dominican University of California found that when people wrote down their goals, they were 42 per cent more likely to hit them than those who kept goals in their head.

4. ASK FOR HELP

Kids, work, social plans…when you’re spinning several plates, it’s easy to slip back into familiar, unhealthy habits, such as takeaway meals, wine every night and swerving the gym.

Nina says: “Say to your partner, ‘I need you on my side here, I need some help’. 

“If you feel as though you’ve taken on too much, can you divvy up the load a bit with your partner? Can you get some free time so you can hit the gym, for example?

“If you and your partner already have an equal amount of responsibilities and time taken out, then say: ‘I'd love you to help me with something. I want to take some time out for myself and if you feel like you need some time for yourself, what can I do to help you?’.”