Game of Thrones finale fight has GoT the thrills the Tory leadership battle is lacking
THE television event of our time concludes tomorrow night in a perfect storm of dragon fire, incestuous sex and screaming hysteria on social media.
Who will sit on the Iron Throne in the final episode of Game Of Thrones? Somehow this seems a far more compelling question than who will be the next leader of the Tory party.
GoT airs in 170 countries and no TV show in history ever inspired this kind of fanatical passion.
There is, rather incredibly, a petition to totally remake the final series which currently has nearly half a million signatures, set up by GoT obsessives who are upset at the recent turn of events. They should be used to their jaws dropping by now.
Ever since they chopped off Ned Stark’s head in the first series — killing the hero just as this epic tale was getting started! — Game Of Thrones has always defied every story-telling convention. And that is exactly what has made it the greatest TV show of all time.
Better than The Sopranos, better than Breaking Bad and better than our own Line Of Duty.
What gave GoT the edge over those modern masterpieces are all the truly shocking moments
I am afraid that dear old Ted sheepishly confessing to watching a bit of porn can’t compete with Daenerys Targaryen laying dragon-scorched waste to the city she had come to liberate.
What gave GoT the edge over those modern masterpieces are all the truly shocking moments that were like being mugged in a King’s Landing back street.
The Red Wedding. The fall of The Wall. Jaime throwing young Bran Stark from a tower. The dragon who was turned to the dark side.
The Battle Of The Bastards. Ramsay Bolton being fed to his dogs. Cersei making all those religious fanatics go boom. Theon Greyjoy having his private parts chopped off. Cersei’s naked walk of shame. Melisandre, the buxom Red Priestess, ageing 100 years before your eyes.
Arya Stark taking her revenge for the Red Wedding. Daenerys Targaryen walking into her husband’s funeral pyre and emerging as the mother of three baby dragons. Blimey!
For my money George RR Martin, who wrote the brilliant books the HBO series is based on, is the world’s greatest living story-teller. And what really made the HBO series such unmissable are the shock tactics and startling twists that Martin loves.
There are those who find Game Of Thrones too violent, too sexist, too sadistic.
And they have a point. There were scenes — the prolonged torture of Theon, the burning of little Shireen Baratheon, any sexual contact with King Joffrey or Ramsay Bolton — where GoT seemed to revel in its own cruelty.
What ultimately makes Game Of Thrones so damn good is that you have absolutely no idea what is going to happen next
But what ultimately makes Game Of Thrones so damn good is that you have absolutely no idea what is going to happen next.
Many expect Arya Stark, inset, the doe-eyed killing machine, to assassinate Daenerys Targaryen in tomorrow’s episode. Perhaps. But you just never know with Game Of Thrones. Dany is just as likely to turn Arya to Stark-on-toast.
'NOBODY IS SAFE'
Jon might marry his auntie. Sansa could reign. The Imp, Tyrion Lannister, could nick it.
Personally, I thought the ice zombies would stick around until the final episode and that the Night King might eventually sit on the Iron Throne. How wrong can you be?
And that is why, for all the mouth-foaming moaning on social media, the final episode of GoT tomorrow night is the most anticipated TV event of all time.
Because in those pitiless seven kingdoms, nobody is safe.
Now kick 'em in the ballots
THIS coming Thursday, the elections for the European Parliament give you the chance to give Labour and the Tories the kicking they so richly deserve.
Because the two lying giants of British politics have treated you with total contempt.
Both parties promised to honour the result of the Brexit referendum, brought about by the Brexit Party’s Nigel Farage, and the largest vote for anything in our history. They lied. Both parties voted for Article 50, the formal mechanism to take us out of the EU. They lied.
Both the Tories and Labour put commitments in their manifestos in the 2017 General Election to honour the referendum. They lied.
Our democracy has been degraded. Our people – the same people who fight their wars and pay their taxes – have been treated like thick peasants who should not be allowed to vote. The temptation to stay home on Thursday is strong.
Labour and the Tories have treated the British people like mugs
Why bother to vote for anything if your vote is worthless? I understand that feeling. But it is misplaced.
Frankly, I don’t think that a Brexit worth having will happen now. Because the British establishment, including the two major political parties, do not really want it to happen.
But that is all the more reason to go to the polling station on Thursday. Labour and the Tories have treated the British people like mugs.
Vote on Thursday. And give them hell.
I'll back Jack in the sack
JACK WHITEHALL quips that he is a big let-down in bed.
“I am very unadventurous in the bedroom,” he revealed on stage in Wimbledon, “just quick and quiet. Like I’m hiding from the Nazis.
“Sex with me is like arriving late in the theatre and trying to find your seat. Some shuffling, a bit of shushing, a pause and then, from somewhere in the darkness, just a whispered, ‘Sorry’. And never applause.”
This from a man who just came out of a six-year relationship with Humans robo-babe Gemma Chan and was recently seen snogging national treasure Kate Beckinsale, 15 years his senior.
And I bet every man in Jack’s audience shared the same thought.
Wouldn’t it be great if he’s not joking?
Devil of terror is in detail
BEHIND every victim of terrorism, there is a story of tragedy. A life stolen. A family shattered.
But there was something particularly heart-wrenching about the deaths of Sara Zelenak, 21, the youngest victim of the London Bridge terror attack of 2017, and James McMullan, 32, the man who died trying to help her.
It is the details that break your heart.
Sara, a young Australian who was working as an au pair in London, was stabbed to death after falling in her high heels. James, the only Brit among the eight victims of the attack, was stabbed to death as he tried to help Sara.
“I saw the driver step out of the van, followed shortly by the other two terrorists from the passenger side,” witness Eric Siguenza told the inquest at the Old Bailey.
“The driver was the one who stabbed the woman. She was still lying on the floor. The gentleman was trying to help her up – that’s when he was stabbed as well.”
And no god is served. And no cause is furthered. And no injustice is avenged. What a waste.
Riley in class adds up
WHEN Rachel Riley appeared on Good Morning Britain to talk about brushing up on your basic maths, some viewers complained that her summer dress was too low-cut for them to concentrate.
“My maths teacher never looked like that,” sighed one GMB viewer.
But my French teacher looked almost exactly like Rachel.
She taught the top stream, so if you wanted to gaze upon her fair beauty you had to be really good at French. Powered by raging adolescent hormones, I passed my French exam two years early.
It was a brilliant teaching system. All maths teachers should look exactly like Rachel.
Doris Day
DORIS DAY, who has died at the age of 97, had the greatest smile in Hollywood.
Despite the agonies of her private life, including four broken marriages, that smile always seemed ready to break out.
She had the greatest voice in Hollywood too – listen to Day sing Move Over, Darling or Secret Love or The Very Thought Of You and you will hear a singer with the same astonishing vocal control as Aretha Franklin or Ella Fitzgerald.
Doris, right, also had the greatest T-shirt – “Be Kind To Animals Or I Will Kill You.”
Day was the product of a more innocent time. She could appear in a film called Young Man With A Horn and nobody would snicker.
Doris Day was America’s sweetheart, and the world’s.
Will Smith
WHERE is Will Smith coming from? In Disney’s live-action remake of Aladdin, Will looks like he’s from Smurfland – on the run.
Will is allegedly the Genie of the lamp. He looks more like a Smurf on steroids.
Change UK
EVEN with Dumb and Dumber leading the Tories and Labour, it is not easy to start a new political party in this country.
Witness the struggles of Change UK, who have been humiliated by their top Euro candidate in Scotland quitting to throw his lot in with the Lib Dems.
What is ironic about Change UK is that they want to resist any change in our relationship with the EU.
They should be called Status Quo.
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