Is Anton slappable, Danny a plank or Joanne after Dick? Try my Love Island quiz

AS the fifth series of Love Island draws to a close, it’s time to reflect, ponder, meditate and then give all of them a playful but well-deserved slap.

Because you’d hardly describe this year’s intake as “lovable”.

In fact, with the odd exception (Francesca), they’ve probably been the most cliquey, manipulative, fork-tongued and spineless bunch so far.

The abundance of storylines they’ve produced, though, means Love Island remains a television phenomenon. So let’s not pretend I don’t need the show every bit as much as the Love Islanders deserve the low-grade abuse contained in this quiz, which (sort of) tests just how closely you’ve been watching. Answers at foot of page.

1. Who was Curtis referring to when he said: “You are gorgeous. You are beautiful. You are literally a star?”
A) Amy.
B) Maura.
C) His own reflection in the pool.

2. Complete Maura’s sentence. “I’ve only ever slept with . . . ”
A) “ . . . camp, overweight dancers.”
B) “ . . . five people.”
C) “ . . . Munster, Leinster and half of Connacht.”

3. Tommy said: “I believe life’s a test.” But what did he think was “the prize”?
A) £50,000.
B) Love.
C) A Nissan Primera.

4. What is the name of Tommy and Molly-Mae’s cuddly elephant toy?
A) Ellie-Bellie.
B) Trunky-Wunky.
C) Growy-Uppy.

5. Who or what was Arabella talking about here? “Downward dog, inhale and I’m into the plank.”
A) Danny.
B) Anton.
C) Yoga.

6. What sex position did Harley tell Chris was her favourite on their very first day as a “couple”?
A) Upended traffic warden.
B) Reverse cowgirl.
C) Disorientated civil servant.

7. What words appear directly above Caroline Flack’s name in the end credits?
A) “Excess baggage”.
B) “Work experience”.
C) “Presented by”.

8. Before entering the villa, Anton joked: “I’ve got this serious medical condition.” What was it?
A) Wandering eye.
B) Slappable face.
C) Dickitis.

9. Who did Michael describe as “a real-life hero”?
A) Barack Obama.
B) The Queen.
C) Himself.

10. Complete Anna’s sentence. “Is it right that no matter where you are in the world, you’re looking at . . . ”
A) “ . . . the same moon?”
B) “ . . . the same s**t, different day?”
C) “ . . . the same gormless prong in the mirror?”

11. Molly-Mae said: “I feel in a few years’ time we won’t have enough doctors, nurses, dentists. Kids these days don’t want to study.” What does Molly-Mae do for a living?
A) Cardiothoracic surgeon.
B) Chair of Moral Philosophy at Christ Church college, Oxford.
C) A social sodding media influencer.

12. Who did Yewande say she hates watching on television?
A) Sir David Attenborough.
B) Iain Stirling.
C) Witless a***holes sunbathing on ITV2.

13. Joanna laughed: “I’m going into the villa for . . . ”
A) Tom.
B) Dick.
C) A culturally rewarding experience.

14. What does Jourdan think Barcelona is?
A) A Spanish city.
B) An Italian city.
C) A bar in Celona.

15. Who were the first two people to enter the villa?
A) Amy and Amber.
B) Anna and Lucie.
C) Jacob Rees-Mogg and Shami Chakrabarti.

16. Having told a distressed Amy, “You’re better than that (Curtis). A proper f***ing joke”, what did Maura do next?
A) Blanked Curtis.
B) Quit the villa in disgust.
C) Got off with Curtis.

17. What did George do before entering the villa?
A) Human statue on London’s South Bank.
B) Played Kurt Von Trapp in a touring production of The Sound Of Music.
C) Builder.

18. What fact was Belle astonished to discover about Edinburgh?
A) It has more listed buildings than anywhere else in the UK.
B) It’s in Scotland.
C) Hibs have actually won the Scottish Cup since Edward VII died.

Neil was scream of crop

BBC1’s This Week has, by and large, been a force for political good since it started in 2003.

Yes, it did tend to attract the very worst sort of guests. Out-of-their- depth left-wing comedians (Jolyon Rubinstein, Josh Widdicombe), 44-ton Euro smuggernauts like Benedicte Paviot, the professionally indignant Owen Jones and all those other political trainspotters and obsessive social misfits who make life a slightly bigger ballache than it needs to be for the 99.99 per cent of the population who don’t think a day is incomplete without an argument about NHS funding.

Every single one of the above, however, got exactly what they deserved on This Week, where they were mercilessly torn to shreds by Andrew Neil, who firmly established himself as television’s greatest political interviewer during its 16-year history.

Unforgettably, it also produced the funniest TV moment of 2018 when an incredibly po-faced Bobby Gillespie, of Primal Scream, refused to join in the Skibidi dance challenge with Neil, Michael Portillo and Caroline Flint MP.

So it’s a shame This Week has been axed and I’d hoped the last episode, on Thursday, would give it the smart, brutal, nicely understated send-off this fine show deserved.

What it got was Piers Morgan, some fat bloke from the Telegraph dressed as Danny Zuko from Grease, Portillo dancing around in his pants and a fright wig to Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee and Mick Hucknall serenading Neil with a chorus of Nobody Does It Better.

Yet still some people insist politics is just “showbiz for ugly people”. Nighty-night.

THE Lateish Show, Mo Gilligan to Jessie J: “You’re in a high-profile relationship with Channing Tatum. I saw on Instagram he lost a bet?”
He certainly did.

Gossip's juicy in jungle

CHANNEL 4’s beautiful, moving and entertaining series Extreme Tribe: The Last Pygmies finished on an uncertain note for the Mbendjele people of the Congo, last night.

A road is being built through their jungle home which could bring wealth but also destroy their hunter-gatherer way of life.

If that message chilled the bones of millennials, imagine what this next bombshell, dropped by presenter Livia Simoka, did for those of us in the 40-60 age bracket.

“The Mbendjele people drink palm wine.”

In other words, contrary to everything we were told last century, a hippo didn’t take “an apricot, a guava and a mango and do a dainty tango”. Nor did the rhino say, “I know, we’ll call it Um Bongo.”

Um Bongo Um Bongo, they don’t drink it in the Congo at all. It was just another neo-colonialist establishment marketing lie.

And honestly, if you can’t even believe in catchy mid-Eighties advertising jingles any more, what the hell can you believe in?

Random TV irritations

• This Week failing to conclude with a trauma hotline for everyone who saw Michael Portillo dancing around in his pants.
• Clare Balding mixing light entertainment with solemn feminist lectures, in her usual adorable fashion, at BBC2’s pro-celebrity netball game.
• Britain’s Greatest National Treasures host Julia Bradbury helpfully informing us the two fancy-dress clad Romans in Bath were not real, time-travelling Romans but “played by actors”.
• And Britain’s most tiresome protester, Steve Bray, turning out to be a nervous, sweaty, tongue-tied void when Good Morning Britain finally gave him the chance to say something other than: “STOP BREXIT.” Although, in fairness to Steve, he carries his Remainer prejudices more subtly than Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis manages these days.

Optimist of the week?

This Morning chef Brian Turner: “I don’t know about you, Eamonn, but when we have three chickens for Sunday lunch, there’s always something left over.”

Left? Over? Nope, you’ve lost him, Brian.

And it’s four chickens.

Lookalikes

TV Gold

• Channel 4’s Extreme Tribe: The Last Pygmies.
• Rylan and his mum Linda, the world’s most deadpan woman, watching The Silence Of The Lambs on Gogglebox.
• Ben Stokes’ hungover “What the fuuuuuh?” expression as Brian Blessed boomed out John of Gaunt’s famous speech from Richard II at the end of Wednesday’s Good Morning Britain.
• And Alien Fun Capsule host Harry Hill nailing Who Do You Think You Are?. “It’s a great format if, like me, you enjoy well-known people crying over people they’ve never heard of who died hundreds of years ago.”

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