It was when my son called me a ‘lard-faced tw*t’ that I decided I needed to do some serious weight-loss stuff
WE’RE all too fat and we’re going to die.
Sorry, I know that’s not the cheeriest start to an article you’ve ever read. Blame it on the fact I’ve just spent the last hour on a bloody exercise bike, trying to shed the burgeoning pounds around my gut.
But it’s true, nonetheless — or partly true, at least. One third of Britons are obese. You may have noticed them waddling up the high street, gasping with exertion, curtains of lard hanging down from their arms.
Worse still, obesity is now officially a bigger killer than smoking. Being overweight is now the chief cause of four really horrible cancers — ovarian, bowel, liver and kidney. The full English.
We’ve known about this obesity epidemic for a long time now. But we’ve gone about dealing with it in entirely the wrong way.
First, the various charities have told us it’s terribly wrong to fat shame people. It might hurt their self-esteem. Well, good.
Shaming works. It was when my son called me a “lard-faced tw*t” during an argument that I decided I needed to do some serious weight-loss stuff. Hence the exercise bike.
But we’ve also concentrated — quite wrongly — on diet. And when we do that we end up penalising the very poorest in society. Every week there are calls to raise the price of cheap alcohol, sugary drinks, fast food, any stuff with sugar in it. This is called a “sin tax” and it always hurts the working class. They won’t be putting a tax on Chablis, will they?
Boris Johnson has just announced that he wants to do away with these sin taxes. It’s the first thing he’s said in ages that I agree with.
Start with cigarettes, Boris. But also stop persecuting people who occasionally eat a cheeseburger from McDonald’s.
SEDENTARY LIVES
That’s not the real cause of obesity. The real cause is lack of exercise. We live increasingly sedentary lives. We don’t walk enough, we don’t play sport. We sit at desks and fester. This is bad enough for the adult population. But it’s even worse for the kids.
Our schoolchildren get less exercise than ever before. When they are at school, the PE lessons are fewer than was once the case. And competitiveness is frowned upon by the leftie teachers.
Further, over the years, thousands of acres of school playing fields have been sold off for housing developments. So the kids have nowhere to play competitive games, even if they were allowed to.
And out of school, of course, they are not kicking a ball around, or going on walks. They are instead glued to their bloody electronic devices. Sat on their fat ar*es hammering away at some internet game. Living their lives vicariously instead of in the real world.
And they are ferried everywhere by their mums and dads — instead of doing what we did as kids and walk everywhere.
That’s the problem, almost the only problem. We don’t have worse diets than I had when I was a kid. Crispy pancakes filled with salty gloop and frozen pizzas that tasted like your sofa?
Today’s diet is no worse than that stuff. And very few of us were fat then.
Somehow we need to convince kids that it’s important to get out and exercise a bit. And parents need to let their kids off the leash a little more. Get them to walk to places.
Take their devices off them and kick them out of the house. Impress upon them that legs are useful things and might be fun if they employed them once in a while.
And for the rest of us: Walk, run, cycle. 10,000 paces per day minimum, or you’ll end up like Jabba The Hutt. And then drop dead at 60.
Throw book at cat fans
APRIL HAWES was caught on CCTV flinging a cat across a road and at a front door. Twice!
She got a community service order and had to pay an £85 fine.
OK, so you probably shouldn’t throw cats around. It’s a bit cruel and it can make a mess if you throw them really hard. But the cat kept venturing into her garden. And probably doing the
usual stuff cats do in gardens. Crapping everywhere and killing wildlife.
The cat’s owner, Kevin Yarham, said: “Shadow was scenting near her house. Cats do what they do, they are animals that explore and they’re free- roaming.”
Free-roaming, huh? Zatta fact? Well, me too, actually, Kev. I’m free- roaming. And I’m going to swing by and take a dump in your garden and decapitate a thrush.
There are few more selfish people than cat owners. If you can’t keep your cat confined on your own property, don’t have a cat.
And isn’t it about time we started fining cat owners when they fail to pick up after their pet has defecated?
Take axe to civil service
AS you probably gathered, I don’t have too much time for Jeremy Corbyn.
He’s a dimbo who buys all the adolescent, far-left stupidity. Policies which were dated decades ago.
But I am totally on his side when it comes to his battle with the civil service. Someone within that smug organisation leaked an official “worry” that Corbyn was “too frail” to carry out
the duties of Prime Minister.
That was cruel, spiteful and politically motivated.
The civil service is against Corbyn because they don’t agree with his policies. Well, me neither. But the civil service is there to carry out the bidding of WHOEVER we elect, even Magic Grandpa.
The problem is that the civil service is heavily biased, just like the BBC. Not so much to the left as towards the liberal viewpoint on all things.
We saw this during the Brexit negotiations, when one civil servant broke cover and told The Sunday Times that the entire civil service was against Brexit and did its best to undermine it.
We need a clear out of these time servers, cocooned in their middle-class bubble.
Hope US lose cuppa
HERE’S Alex Morgan, scorer of the goal which knocked our Lionesses out of the World Cup.
She annoyed people by miming the act of drinking tea. Because that’s what Brits do, of course.
When the much better Ellen White scored for England she should have mimed shooting people in a school.
Anyway Morgan, we now all hope you get stuffed in the final.
Boris revelations
ANOTHER startling revelation about our next Prime Minister, Boris Johnson.
Apparently he had a row with a woman 30 years ago. He got quite cross and shouted stuff. So that’s TWO arguments with women in 30 years.
I have two arguments with women every bloody day that God sends. I think there must be something wrong with Boris that he gets on with them so well.
The next revelation from Boris’s nosy neighbours or ex-girlfriends? “Boris Johnson sings Dire Straits songs while he’s having a shower.”
And “Boris would sometimes use the butter knife to spread marmalade on his toast, leaving a small residue of butter in the marmalade jar.”
Who is he?
WHO the hell is Jason Mohammad? That’s the question most of the country was asking this week. It was revealed that Jase is paid £355,000 by the BBC. Making him one of their top earners. For what?
Apparently he reads out the football results in Final Score and does some awful programme on Radio Five.
Do you ever get the feeling that the BBC is just a little bit cavalier with your money?
Look back in horror
THE Tavistock Clinic has just released its latest figures. This is the place where medical experiments are carried out on children who wish to transition to a different gender.
The shocking news is that more than HALF of these kids are younger than 14.
And the youngest was just three years old.
We will look back on this in appalled horror, years from now.
Make it at home
HERE’S a true story. My missus was in Costa Coffee. Long queue. Customer with green hair and multiple piercings approaches the counter. “I need to see the full list of ingredients for your frappuccinos. I have multiple, serious allergies,” she barks at the barista.
MOST READ IN OPINION
He comes back with a big folder. She reads it for five minutes, while the queue gets longer. Eventually, she places her order.
The barista goes off to make it. She shouts at him that he can’t use the same equipment that he used to make other drinks. It might be contaminated. Exasperated, the barista says: “Well I’ll have to put it through the dishwasher, then – are you happy to wait?” Queue gets longer.
I don’t want to sound callous, but if her allergies are that varied and dangerous, shouldn’t she just make herself a drink at home?