From Boris Johnson to Michael Gove and Andrea Leadsom, which Tory PM candidate is your type on paper?
THIS week, the ten wannabes for this year’s most hotly-contested title have been parading their credentials on TV.
No, not Love Island stoopid: It’s the Tory leadership contest.
But, given that securing the vote of the nation’s ‘yoof’ is the Holy grail of any political party going forward, let’s imagine that they are lining up at a Majorcan villa to be scrutinised by the social media generation.
So, here are those ‘grafting’ for support to become our next Prime Minister.
Who are the “melts”*, and who is ‘salty’*’ or “extra”*?
Who, according to young voters, is “100 per cent my type on paper”* and most importantly of all, who’s likely to get “pied off”* at 1pm tomorrow when all candidates with fewer than 17 MPs backing them will be eliminated from the villa race. Right, let’s “crack on”*.
Boris, 53
Twitter: 581.4k
Instagram: 28.4k
From: Uxbridge and South Ruislip.
Relationship: Separated from second wife. Five children.
Interests: Cycling and flirting.
Deal or no deal: “The way to get a good deal is to prepare for no deal.”
Headline policy: Tax breaks for the rich.
Praise: “Charismatic” and “has a history of being able to be electorally successful”.
Criticism: A “thatched charlatan”, with “sliding allegiances and faux-Falstaffian ways”.
Naughtiest thing: “My sister and I once filled a row of gumboots with water . . . I may have done naughtier things but they have momentarily escaped me.” How convenient.
Mike, 51
Twitter: 102.8k
Instagram: No
From: Surrey Heath.
Relationship: Married with two children.
Interests: History and supporting Queen’s Park Rangers.
Deal or no deal: Currently says he’s happy to have a short delay to get a good deal.
Headline policy: To scrap VAT and replace it with “a lower, simpler” sales tax.
Praise: “By far the most competent candidate.”
Criticism: “Downright Machiavellian.”
Naughtiest thing: “I took drugs on several occasions at social occasions more than 20 years ago. It is something I deeply regret. Drugs damage lives.”
Will they also damage his chances of becoming PM?
Esther, 51
Twitter: 38.3k
Instagram: 648
From: Tatton.
Relationship: Engaged to Tory MP Philip Davies.
Interests: Runs motivational website If Chloe Can, writes career books.
Deal or no deal: Wants “clean break” but would listen to a better offer.
Headline policy: Four million public service workers to get a pay rise.
Praise: “Able to communicate authentically with voters in all parts of the country,” says backer and fellow MP Pauline Latham.
Criticism: Shadow Education Secretary Angela Rayner said her call for parents to be allowed to take primary children out of lessons on same-sex relationships was “illegal, immoral and deeply dangerous.”
Naughtiest thing: “It’s for me to know and you not to find out.”
Now there’s a challenge.
The Saj, 49
Twitter: 119.1k
Instagram: 5.6k
From: Bromsgrove.
Relationship: Married with four children.
Interests: Likes Star Trek and U2.
Deal or no deal: Would prefer deal by sorting out Irish backstop issue.
Headline policy: To increase stop and search.
Praise: Scotland’s Ruth Davidson says he embodies the party’s values of “aspiration, education, opportunity, hard work and just reward”.
Criticism: Accused of “normalising anti-refugee rhetoric” after taking a tough line on economic migrants.
Naughtiest thing: “When I was a little boy there was a kid in my class who kept picking on me and calling me a ‘P***’. One day I had just had enough so I punched him square in the chops.”
Says he’d now rise above such digs.
Jezza, 52
Twitter: 165.4k
Instagram: 3.3k
From: South West Surrey.
Relationship: Married with three children.
Interests: Helps Aids orphans and speaks Japanese. Or is it Chinese?
Deal or no deal: Wants better deal and would only go for no deal if forced to.
Headline policy: Investment in education to “abolish illiteracy”.
Praise: “A respected statesman who Brussels will listen to.”
Criticism: He’s best known in Brussels for comparing the EU to a Soviet-run gulag.
Naughtiest thing: “Drinking a cannabis lassi when I went backpacking through India.”
That and a name that’s proving perilously tricky to say on live broadcasts.
Dom, 45
Twitter: 54.7k
Instagram: No
From: Esher and Walton.
Relationship: Married with two children.
Interests: Karate (black belt), boxing and writing.
Deal or no deal: Leaving on WTO terms better than a bad deal, but wants to reopen discussions.
Headline policy: Says sidelining Parliament to force Brexit should not be ruled out.
Praise: He’s a “tough negotiator” who has “an inspiring vision for a fairer Britain”, says Tory MP Helen Grant.
Criticism: “Raab is, at heart, an ideologue with dangerous convictions,” says equalities lawyer Schona Jolly.
Naughtiest thing: “I’m not confessing to that!”
Spoken like a typical former lawyer.
Rory, 46
Twitter: 126.4k
Instagram: 6.7k
From: Penrith and The Border.
Relationship: Married with one child.
Interests: A keen walker.
Deal or no deal: “No Deal is not a destination, it is a desperate leap into the unknown that would only further our division and uncertainty.”
Headline policy: Focusing on climate and the environment.
Praise: “A man the voters can trust,” says Tory MP Sir Nicholas Soames.
Criticism: Hard to find any. “A noted eccentric,” says an unnamed Tory. And, er, that’s it.
Naughtiest thing: “My mother would probably say that when I was nine, against her instructions, I sat on a cactus and she had to spend the next hour picking prickles out of my backside.”
Still, better than Love Island’s Anton whose mum shaves his bum.
Andrea, 56
Twitter: 96.6k
Instagram: 3.2k
From: South Northamptonshire.
Relationship: Married, three children.
Interests: Committed Christian.
Deal or no deal: Wants managed exit with “three-step plan for Brexit”.
Headline policy: To take action on world’s climate change “emergency”.
Praise: “A real champion for those who had grave concerns about the way Parliament works,” says Tory MP Chris Heaton-Harris.
Criticism: Apologised to Theresa May for suggesting being a mum made her a better candidate for PM.
Naughtiest thing: “The time I told my mum I was taking the coach from Kent to Cornwall for a holiday with my friends at 16, but instead I hopped on the back of a Honda motorbike for the journey down instead.”
She might need a lift home after today’s ballot.
Matt, 40
Twitter: 84.4k
Instagram: 3.9k
From: West Suffolk.
Relationship: Married, three children.
Interests: An avid cricketer.
Deal or no deal: Has “Brexit delivery plan” which involves making a deal.
Headline policy: To increase the national living wage to more than £10 an hour.
Praise: Has “no Brexit baggage” and “a clear vision for the future of the country”, says David Lidington.
Criticism: Accused of showing an “astonishing level of ignorance” after saying a genetic test for cancer may have saved his life.
Naughtiest thing: Was to have commentated on a rugby match for uni radio but was late. “So I went to a pub, watched the opening, and then called in from a phonebox. Nobody realised.”
Probably as no one was listening.
most read in opinion
Mark, 49
Twitter: 11.4k
Instagram: ??k
From: The Forest of Dean.
Relationship: Married.
Interests: Travelling and keeping fit.
Deal or no deal: No deal is an option, but would prefer a deal.
Headline policy: Wants to make the NHS “fit for 21st century Britain.”
Praise: Theresa May said he could be “proud of the role he has played in sharply reducing immigration to Britain”.
Criticism: In 2014, he resigned as immigration minister after finding out his self-employed cleaner did not have permission to work in UK.
Naughtiest thing: “Falling off a table while dancing in a Soho bar and breaking my ankle while at my wife’s work leaving party.”
As opposed to falling off the ballot paper which one suspects he will at 1pm today.
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