We’d be out of the European Union already if MPs worked for what their voters want
ALL four of the latest alternatives to Theresa May’s Brexit deal have been rejected by MPs, including the Remainers’ much-trumpeted suggestion of a second referendum.
Just as well really, because they’d undoubtedly ignore the result of that one too if the answer wasn’t what they wanted to hear.
Meanwhile, higher up the food chain where common sense is supposed to prevail, the Cabinet is showing all the stability of a poorly erected Ikea bookcase.
Bickering like children, even the Chief Whip — a position usually associated with admirable discretion — is so frustrated that he describes them as “the most ill-disciplined in British political history”.
All of which could ultimately hand Jeremy Corbyn — a man now openly being described by many as the “worst Labour leader in history” — the keys to No10.
Well done everyone.
'DIRECT DEMOCRACY'
I’m not going to waste yet more column inches on pondering what will happen next because, quite frankly, I don’t know and nor does anyone else. So for now, let’s just ponder on how this Brexit omnishambles came about.
And what better way to explain the deeply unsatisfactory stalemate we find ourselves in than this breakdown of Brexit stats currently doing the rounds on social media. Meanwhile, Lucy Allan, Tory MP for Telford, posted on her Facebook page: “My constituents voted 67 per cent to leave and leave we must.
“I have a duty to deliver that, whatever I think personally about the deal.”
If all MPs honoured the supposedly “direct democracy” decision of their voters, we’d now be out of the EU.
Marvel 'Keef' keeps Rolling on
IN a band of septuagenarians, it’s perhaps inevitable there are going to be a few health scares.
But it’s still surprising to learn that Rolling Stones frontman Sir Mick Jagger, whose health and fitness regime makes Joe Wicks look sloppy, has a heart valve problem.
Particularly as his co-writer, the legendary caner Keith Richards, is still going strong.
Keith, 75, survived bombing raids in the Second World War, was electrocuted on stage in the Sixties, set his bed alight with a fag in the Seventies, unwittingly took strychnine-laced cocaine a few years later and fell out of a coconut tree in Fiji in 2006, which necessitated a blood clot being removed from his brain.
Meanwhile, he still smokes like a chimney and, despite saying he had given up alcohol, continues to enjoy the occasional wine and beer.
As “Keef” himself said in 2016: “Some doctor told me I had six months to live and I went to his funeral. I’ll write all your epitaphs!”
When he eventually does slip this mortal coil, let’s hope he donates his seemingly indestructible body to medical science.
Grab your bags, Kate
HOLLYWOOD actress Kate Beckinsale says she misses two things about home – British men and Loose Women.
She says: “If I had to go on a mini break, I’d probably go away with Jane Moore or Nadia Sawalha.”
The Bloke is suddenly flicking through holiday brochures with renewed gusto.
'Joys' of spring
PATSY KENSIT was photographed looking the worse for wear after a four-hour lunch with friends at the weekend.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? It’s the first glimpse of spring, the kids are elsewhere and one of your mates suggests having “just a quick drink” in the sunshine while watching the world go by.
The next thing you know, people are arriving for dinner bookings, the world is hazier, the legs wobblier, there’s not a taxi to be had this side of Christmas and next day’s pounding headache is already setting in.
It feels sooo good at the time, though . . .
TODAY’S teenagers are set to eschew marriage in record numbers.
Could it be connected to the news that the number of divorce cases reaching court – many of those involving couples with children – has shown the biggest increase in 15 years?
Jack-et in, May
AT the weekend, Theresa May was pictured in a new, £350 designer puffer jacket with “three-quarter sleeves”.
Sorry. Don’t get it.
If it’s cold, you want a puffer jacket that completely covers your arms.
And if you’re not that cold, then you don’t need a puffer jacket, do you?
Those sleeveless “gilet” things are equally pointless. Along with knitted tank tops, sleeveless polo necks, fingerless gloves, woolly ear warmers (why not just wear a hat?) and, most ludicrously of all, socks with sandals.
Either your feet are cold and you need to warm them in socks and boots. Or they’re hot and you need to air them in sandals.
But both? Witchcraft.
IS bride Shamima Begum now says she was “brainwashed”, knew “little about the truths of my religion” and regrets fleeing the UK.
Quite a departure from her original je-ne-regrette-rien stance.
Has she had media training?
Tax-payer funded security
WHEN receptionist Gill Walker’s car was involved in a prang with a 4x4 in Birmingham, she was shocked when it drove off without stopping.
But seconds later, an unmarked police 4x4 pulled up to deal with the situation, telling her the other vehicle had “a royal on board – they’re not allowed to stop”.
The only royal in the area that day was the Countess of Wessex, aka Mrs Prince Edward.
Begging the question, does the 48 squillionth in line to the throne really need so much taxpayer-funded security?
After all, put her in a baseball cap and jeans and the majority would struggle to identify her in a line-up.
BORIS Johnson’s girlfriend Carrie Symonds has been credited with getting him to shed the haphazard hairdo as well as a few pounds.
Now all she needs to do is get him to shed his formal suit and laptop bag when making a trip to the beach.
Holidaying with the in-laws
PRINCESS Beatrice’s new boyfriend Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi just spent his first weekend away with his potential in-laws.
Prince Andrew whisked the couple – and his ex-wife Fergie – off to Bahrain, where the Crown Prince of the country treated them to luxury suites at the swanky Ritz Carlton hotel and a VIP day at the grand prix.
Onlookers said Edoardo seemed to have a lot in common with the Yorks.
Not least, it seems, sharing their penchant for freebies.
AS part of the UK’s aid budget, we handed £52million to India last year and will send over £46million more for 2019/20.
This week, India declared itself a space superpower after shooting down one of its own satellites.
Yep, that’s it, right there.
Our money literally going up in smoke.
Horsing around
WHILE the Queen fed a Polo mint to his stablemate, Windsor the horse grew impatient for his treat and tried to nuzzle his way in to the famous handbag.
In a world where everyone laughs hysterically at even the mildest of her jokes, the world smells of fresh paint because everything has been redecorated the day before her arrival, and sycophancy abounds, no wonder Her Majesty revels in the company of animals.
They treat her just like they do everyone else.
most read in opinion
FEMALE magicians are on the rise, according to new figures.
You bet we are.
At any given time, we’re juggling a combination of cook, cleaner, gardener, taxi driver, personal shopper, bottle washer, nurse, therapist, PA, teacher and life coach…as well as whatever it is we do for a living.
No one spins plates like we do.
Oh. Apparently, the figures refer to the kind of magician who saws someone in half or extracts a playing card from your right nostril.
OK, just give us a minute and pretty sure we can do that too.
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