The highs, lows and dance moves of British politics and affairs for 2018
Our annual award ceremony in celebration of the good, bad and ugly in Government is back for another year
OUR post-Brexit future is on a knife edge – as is the PM’s career.
Here, Sunday Political Editor David Wooding takes a light-hearted look at the year in politics for his annual awards, The Wooders.
GRUMP OF THE YEAR
Chancellor Philip “Spreadsheet” Hammond launched a wave of blue-on-blue insults at Cabinet colleagues — especially Brexiteers — when he gleefully talked of “flushing out extremists”.
He branded Boris Johnson a “bogeyman” and cuttingly said of Welfare Secretary Esther McVey: “The only thing she knows how to do well is a blow dry.”
But while both of them have since left the Cabinet, Big Phil is still in place.
BIG BEN AWARD FOR TIMEKEEPING
The 92-year-old monarch was seen looking at her watch after being kept standing outside Windsor Castle for 12 minutes.
But the US President brashly insisted he was early and, you’ve guessed it, his late arrival was “fake news”.
MARY POPPINS AWARD
Goes to the protester with the placard: “Super- callous, fragile ego, Trump, you are atrocious.”
STINKER OF THE YEAR 1
Ex-PM David Cameron told pals he fancied a political comeback as he is “bored s**tless”. We’re not surprised he’s “s**tless” — he left his colleagues up to their knees in the stuff.
STINKER OF THE YEAR 2
Boris Johnson warned that trying to sell the PM’s Brexit blueprint to voters was “like trying to polish a turd”. Six months on, Theresa May is still buffing away and her tin of Election Pledge is nearly empty.
ENDURANCE AWARD
Mrs May was written off 14 months ago after that disastrous party conference speech — but a year on, she shimmied on stage to Abba’s Dancing Queen.
Since then, she’s survived a no-confidence vote forced by Tory rebels and attempts to sink her loathed Brexit plan. Who’d bet against her being in No10 this time next year?
DUD’S ARMY
Brexiteer-in-chief Jacob Rees-Mogg and his supporters were likened to Dad’s Army after their attempted leadership coup flopped. But the posh Tory brushed off the jibe, saying: “I’ve always admired Captain Mainwaring.”
CLANGER OF THE YEAR
On a visit to Beijing, Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt tried telling his opposite number that his wife is Chinese — but called her “Japanese”. The two countries are bitter rivals and neither his hosts nor his missus were amused.
PUTDOWN OF THE YEAR
Labour’s Emily Thornberry described the Government as “the equivalent of Reservoir Dogs remade by the Chuckle Brothers”.
WINE . . .
EU Commission chief Jean-Claude “Drunker” Juncker just about struggled to stay on his feet at summits this year.
He ruffled a woman official’s hair and was challenged by Mrs May when he dubbed her “nebulous”.
But he insisted they ended up kissing. It’s hard to know how he’d remember after his famous lunches.
WOMEN . . .
The Labour leader, who says he wants a “kinder, gentler” politics, insisted he didn’t, but lip-readers said he did. Stupid boy.
. . . AND THONG
Angry female MPs said “knickers” to Tory MP Christopher Chope after he single-handedly blocked moves to make taking pictures up skirts a criminal offence — and hung a string of undies outside his Commons office.
LIES AND SPIES
Two Russian hitmen wanted for the Salisbury nerve agent attack claimed they were sightseers visiting the city’s cathedral and insisted they had left early to escape a dusting of snow. Pull the other one, Vlad.
TWO-FACEBOOK
Sir Nick Clegg once said he found the “messianic Californian new-worldy touchy-feely culture of Facebook a little grating”.
Now he’s happy to take a £1million-a-year job as its global affairs boss, and it’s smiley emojis all the way to the bank.
POLITICAL LIGHTWEIGHT
Labour deputy leader Tom Watson shed an incredible 7st after giving up sugar, eating healthier food and exercising.
Trim Tom should have a word with his boss about plans to gorge on taxpayers’ money.
JINGLE BALLS UP
Forgetful Sir Vince Cable was so busy plotting to halt Brexit, he missed a key Commons vote on it, allowing the Customs Bill to scrape through by just three votes.
The Lib Dem leader later announced that he will stand down next year. Some of his ten MPs had begun to think he’d already left.
STICK IT TO THE PUNTERS
Speaker John Bercow was accused of bullying staff, muttering “stupid woman” at Commons leader Andrea Leadsom and displaying a “B*****ks To Brexit” car sticker, despite impartiality rules. Yet he’s still in the chair after vowing to “keep buggering on”.
GAFFE OF THE YEAR
Dominic Raab admitted he “hadn’t quite understood” the importance of our £122billion-a-year trade with France — four months after becoming Brexit Secretary and a week before he resigned.
SPECIAL AWARD
Tracey Crouch made an unusual stand by resigning over a matter of principle — forcing the Chancellor into a Budget U-turn and saving lives in the process.
She quit as Sports Minister over delays to a crackdown on high-stakes betting machines which she blames for suicides among debt-ridden gamblers. Her stand forced the Government to act within days.
KNIGHT IN WHINING ARMOUR
After Tory Brexiteer John Hayes was knighted — seen as a ploy to buy his support for the PM’s hated Brexit plan — colleague Mark Francois urged him to get a coat of arms containing “an utter cock rampant on one side and a big chicken on the other”.
BRICKING IT
New Culture Secretary Jeremy Wright revealed he likes to unwind by playing with his “very large” Lego set. Maybe he should be in charge of housing instead.
POSEUR OF THE YEAR
Wannabe PM Boris Johnson milked his exit as Foreign Secretary by inviting a photographer to snap him writing his resignation letter. One MP branded him “a poundshop Churchill impressionist”.
STRICTLY PRIZE FOR DUMB DANCING
It’s not just the wheels of Government that need oiling, but the PM’s joints, judging by her dancing during an African trip. Looks like the Maybot needs to add a pair of dancing shoes to her kitten heel collection this year.
ROBO-POLITICS
Pepper the robot was questioned by a panel of MPs about the impact of artificial intelligence. It was hailed as a Commons first, although anyone who’s seen Theresa May or Sajid Javid in action may beg to differ.
SHIRTY HARRY
Labour bruiser John Prescott became a victim of mistaken identity when his picture appeared in The Times, captioned as Clint Eastwood.
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