Boris Johnson can’t become the PM as we need Theresa May to stay — for now
SO, what’s Boris been up to then?
Well, we know a bit about what Boris has been up to.
Pogo-ing around London on his hyperactive todger, as usual.
Latest is he’s copped off with some blonde buxom Tory temptress 24 years younger than him. And splitting with his wife.
Well, OK — that is a matter for them. Yer upper classes like a bit of how’s your father and Boris is certainly no exception.
I mean the rest of the stuff, the politics.
Right now Boris is back leading the No Surrender branch of the Brexit Tories.
Just as he was during the referendum campaign two years ago.
It’s thought he’s going to mount a challenge to the Prime Minister.
And Theresa May has been forced to deny her team has been circulating a Conservative Party dossier of Bad Things Boris Has Done Or Said, so they can hole him below the waterline. Frankly, most of the stuff in this dossier makes me like him more, but there we are.
But even the No Surrender group can’t agree among themselves about what to demand from the Government.
Whether to accept Theresa May’s “Chequers” plan for leaving the EU.
Or to tell the Europeans to stuff it.
They are split. Just as the Conservative Party is also split.
Boris as leader? Anything must be better than May, you might be thinking. But I have my doubts, for three reasons.
First, he is not well liked among large sections of Tory MPs — so I doubt he’d have the support to pull off a coup. Or to win a leadership election.
And second, I’m not sure that the upper-class buffoonery plays very well outside London.
And especially not in the north of England.
And third — it’s too late, baby, it’s too late. The European Union is beginning to show signs of accepting May’s dimbo Chequers deal.
It may not be what we Brexiteers want. It may be a fudge and a compromise.
But it’s taken two years of negotiating and it’s all that we have. The time to have challenged May was two years ago — but Boris, unforgivably, ducked out.
If he had done so then we would have been entering negotiations with confidence, under a leader with a decent majority in Parliament who actually wanted Brexit. Instead we are hamstrung with easily the worst government since the Second World War.
And being led by someone who wanted us to remain in the EU.
Hell, if Labour wasn’t led by an infantile leftist anti-Semitic halfwit, they’d be 30 points ahead in the polls.
But we are where we are — and the next six months are crucial.
It’s time for Boris and the rest of the Brexiteers to get behind Theresa May.
However much it might stick in their craws.
However much it might thwart their personal political ambitions.
Stick by the Chequers deal and make sure the EU does not try to wring more concessions from our side.
And then, when we’ve left next March, say a polite thank you to the PM for her doggedness.
And kick her out.
Kirstie on right page
KIRSTIE ALLSOPP is in trouble with the frenzied hordes on social media.
She announced that she had smashed her children’s iPads because they were using them too much.
Cue a howl of outrage from the moronsphere.
For once, I think she’s dead right. My daughter’s a bright kid – but once she gets on her tablet a look of intense stupidity creeps over her face.
Because all she’s doing is playing fatuous games or jabbering to friends. So the devices are strictly rationed. And if she’s bored she gets given something called a “book”.These are old-fashioned things filled with pages of writing. And after she’s been reading, the clever daughter we all know suddenly returns.
Well done Kirstie. I have the feeling that these devices are stunting the nation’s kids.
Posh in a bot of bother
THOROUGHLY enjoying the story of Victoria Chatbot’s new Beckham.
Sorry, I meant Victoria Beckham’s new chatbot.
This is an app which she uses to answer texts when she can’t be ar*ed to.
I assume that’s why it’s called a chatbot.
Anyway, the robot has put its metal feet in it.
When asked if Victoria, right, would be happy to divorce David, it replied “very”.
Asked for more details, it then said: “I can’t tell u anything more.”
So, it’s either a worthless piece of junk.
Or it knows something.
Hurricane Florence prep
A US county sheriff has just issued some important advice to local citizens.
Hurricane Florence is approaching, and the Americans have been told not to “fire their guns” at the storm in the hope of driving it away.
Experts believe that blamming away with a deer rifle has only a very limited prospect of convincing the storm to go somewhere else. It all reminds me of a bloke I interviewed when a terrible El Nino cyclone hit the States two decades ago, causing loads of damage.
He was a storekeeper in California. People had been protesting outside his shop and his life had been threatened on several occasions.
“Why don’t you just STOP what you’re doing,” one bloke screamed at him.
The shopkeeper’s name was Mr Al Nino. You can never over-estimate just how fabulously stupid some people are.
Double faults, ladies
TWO more talented women clambering aboard the victimhood bandwagon.
First, tennis champ Serena Williams blaming her epic on-court strop on sexism, being a very real woman in a very real sense, and motherhood.
Second, TV presenter Sandi Toksvig moaning about only being paid 40 per cent of Stephen Fry’s fee for hosting the show QI.
Let me do a little bit of mansplaining, ladies.
Serena – being a woman and having a child had nothing to do with your temper tantrum.
It was because you were being whupped, OK?
And Sandi, you’re paid 40 per cent of Fry’s salary not because you’re a woman but because you are – at best – about 40 per cent as good as him.
All clear? New balls, please.
Mince pie madness
THE supermarkets have started selling mince pies.
The whole thing – Christmas – is hurtling towards us. And the swallows haven’t even left for Africa yet.
Let’s be clear about something.
People who eat mince pies during the cricket season and before a single Premier League manager has been sacked are wrong ’uns, end of.
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Fitting start to my day
DID you see Mark Wahlberg’s utterly mental daily regime?
The actor gets up at 2.30am. He prays. At 3.15am he has a bit of breakfast. Then he works out until 5.15am. By 9.30am he’s in something called “cryo-chamber recovery”.
No wonder these Hollywood monkeys are all deranged. I suggest Mark adopts my fitness schedule in future.
Anjem Choudary's release
HEY, great news. Anjem Choudary is due out of prison next month.
He’s the Islamic hate preacher who we banged up under the Terrorism Act two years ago.
We can’t deport him, sadly, because he was born in Welling, Kent.
But the security services have said they will be “watching him like a hawk”. Good.
Perhaps they could also swoop down on him like a hawk and carry him back to their nest to feed to their young.