100 Years Younger shows Shaun Ryder’s still public enema number one

FIRST rule of reality ­television? There is no format so old and stale that it cannot be ­rescued by the presence of Shaun Ryder, from the Happy Mondays.

A foul-mouthed, drug- addled, malingerer he may be. But Shaun’s also funny, endearing and TV dynamite, whether in the jungle, ­chasing UFOs or having an enema pipe shoved up his fundament, on ITV prime-time.

As was discovered, last week, on an entertaining reboot of C5’s ­Celebrity Detox Camp called 100 Years Younger in 21 Days.

A title which combines a nice round number with a very optimistic assumption these “well loved and well-worn national treasures” have all got three weeks left in them.

In absolutely no order of who’s likely to die first, they were: Shaun, who’s 55, actress Claire King who’s “55”, June “Dot Cotton” Brown, 90, Roy Walker, 77, Gogglebox’s Sandra Martin, 55, Sid Owen, 45, 67-year-old Russell Grant, who’s “50 per cent fat”, and Loose Woman Sherrie Hewson, 67, who’s about 90 per cent Shiraz.

What the line-up was really missing, of course, was comedian Russell Kane, who once lost five years off his passport age overnight and could’ve short-circuited the entire project.

What it got instead was a team of ­medical experts led by Professor Ian Philp, who conducted a series of experiments, before they arrived at ITV’s “Sardinian rejuvenation clinic”.

The results were suitably disturbing.

“Sid Owen’s brain is old enough for a bus pass,” narrator Stephen Fry told us gravely. “Sandra Martin has the body of an 86-year-old woman.” Russell Grant is now visible from Saturn’s orbit. And Shaun Ryder has the brain of an 18-year-old man. Which would be fine, if that 18-year-old man wasn’t Tutankhamun. Anyone who remembers the humiliation of Richard Blackwood, all those years ago on Celebrity Detox, though, will be well aware these shows are not really about the science or losing a set amount of weight in a certain time.

They’re primarily about entertainment and characters like Shaun who, bless him, had been on something of a health kick recently. I’ve given up opiates, Temazepam, valium . . . crack.”

The damage had already been done, though, and “an over-active thyroid” was the very least of his problems.

You had to admire then the endless patience of sports scientist Simone Ripamonti, who used to work for Real Madrid, and the sunny optimism of the clinic’s enema woman who discovered Shaun had “a little haemorrhoid,” or ‘black grape’, just as she was about to engage pipe with bum.

This, however, was hardly the revelation of the night. 100 Years Younger’s real discovery was that the most entertaining and rock ’n’ roll person on the show wasn’t Shaun at all.

It’s June Brown, who refused to give up her beloved fags for anyone and admitted she’d had “a lot of lovers”, who she wasn’t willing to name for fear of getting some angry messages, via Derek Acorah, presumably.

June, it quickly transpired, was also the toughest, funniest and smartest celebrity who’d learned, long ago, age was entirely irrelevant so long as you were happy. Rarely, in fact, have I seen someone destroy the entire point of a show as quickly and brilliantly as June Brown did, last week.

No wonder then that ITV headed back, pretty sharpish, to Shaun losing his rag, at Simone’s exercise class.

“I ’ave something the size of a pea in me bollock sack that’s pressing on the nerve. It’s like ’avin’ toothache in your nutsack.”

And you, my friend, Simone, are twistin’ his melon, man.

Lost in a blizzard of news

THE first hint of snow really does flush out the alarmist morons in London’s television newsrooms, doesn’t it.

Nowhere more so, last week, than Channel 5 which hastily produced a one-off Beast from the East special, on Thursday.

The Big Freeze, hosted by Sian Williams, live from “the front line”, or as some of us were still calling it: “Macclesfield”.

It wasn’t just Sian, on the case here, though.

The whole C5 news team were scattered across Britain, with the last few pockets of survivors.

North of England correspondent Peter Lane had this invaluable survival tip for motorists: “A map could make a difference”.

The last man standing in Stirling, Julian Druker reported: “Scotland is essentially a country in hibernation.” (Chuck it a lettuce leaf in May, will ya). And Dominic Reynolds began describing the scene of utter devastation at a homeless shelter in Gravesend, with the words: “Sian, the chilli con carne and the peach crumble have been finished up here and the crumble was very good.”

So God only knows what the body count was like there in the morning.

Then, just when you think nothing more can shock you, up pipes the host: “Just to let you know what happened to me, in Kent.

“We were snowed in, so I had to phone up a neighbour who’s a gardener. And he took me in the back of his van.”
#PrayForSian.

• AND now a blizzard clarification, courtesy of The One Show’s resident genius, Alex Jones: “On the weather map, tomorrow and Thursday, it showed all this white stuff. Is that snow?” BBC weatherman Ben Rich: “Yes.”

Beckett saves the date

TV2’S dismal Love Island rip-off Survival Of The Fittest limped towards the finishing line, last week, with this breathless update from narrator Brennan Reece.

“Everyone’s cleaning their teeth and getting ready for an early night.”

At which point, viewers were probably way ahead of them. Assuming, of course, they hadn’t already switched to Celebs Go Dating where, if anything, they had even less format to work with and far more unpleasant contestants, in the shape of Muggy Mike Thalassitis and Gemma Collins.

The E4 show deserves another series, though, purely because of the brilliant commentary from Rob Beckett, who let the celebs get away with nothing and remembered everything, including a shot-necking Ollie Locke rolling back on his week- one claim that “I’d rather milk my dog’s anal gland than drink tequila.”

The cue for a quick reminder, a perfectly-timed silence and a greeting from Rob.

“Hello? Is that the RSPCA?”

GREAT TV lies and ­delusions of the month all come courtesy of E4’s Celebs Go Dating.

Gemma Collins: “So many people literally want to know all about my life.”

Gemma Collins: “I’m not being funny, but, like, I am an exclusive package.”

Gemma Collins: “It’d be hard not to fancy me.”

And Gemma Collins: “The GC is fun, obnoxious and out-going.”

So let’s just go with obnoxious, shall we.

Lookalikes

This week’s £69 winner is the blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons and Jacob Rees-Mogg. Emailed in by Courtney Ryan.

QUIZ show brain farts of the week. The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Who was the Royal bride at a wedding in Monaco, in April 1956?”
Andrew: “Victoria.”

Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Silverstone is the home of which country’s Grand Prix?”
Becki: “F1.”

Pointless, Alexander Armstrong: “Shakespeare play. A Roman leader gets stabbed in the back by his friends.”
Nick: “Gladiator.”

And Ben Shephard: “In 1992, which future ­Labour Prime Minister was appointed Shadow Home ­Secretary?”
Chris: “Jeremy Corbyn.” In the name of all that is sane and precious, NO.

• MEANWHILE, over on 5Star’s Celebrity Ghost Hunt . . .
  Rylan Clark-Neale: “Courtney (Green), my fellow Essex girl, how are you feeling?”
  “I’m a bit spectacle.”
  “Sceptical?”
  No. She’s a total ****ing spectacle.

RANDOM TV irritations: Dancing On Ice opening up its cash cow phone lines before anyone’s actually skated.

Piers Morgan describing Auld Lang Syne as “a beautiful English song”.

This Morning’s new roving reporter Toff asking a cosmetic surgeon: “Toe shortening? What’s that?”

ITV2 seriously threatening to bring back its dismal non-event Survival Of The Fittest for a second series.

And contestant Mettisse boldly claiming “I literally feel like I’m in a movie.”

Yeah, Sex Lives Of The Potato Men II.

• AND while we’re on a ­cinematic theme. Celebs Go Dating, Gemma Collins to Laurence: “You have to look like a movie star when you’re next to me.”

Which he will. Jason James Richter in Free Willy.

INCIDENTALLY, if anyone’s been wondering about the politically correct way to describe Gemma, it’s not “curvy”.
It’s “morbidly curvy”.