BBC should stop spending gazillions of pounds on afternoon TV and box-set clever with its schedule
THE Director-General of the BBC says that unless he’s given eleventy trillion pounds immediately, there will be no more British-made television.
I can’t really comment on this because I don’t watch television any more, not in the way we used to in the olden days.
I gorge on box sets. I did all eight seasons of Dexter in a week. I do entire runs of Game Of Thrones in a day. And when I’ve finished that, I always get a call from a friend saying what I should watch next.
Box-set recommendations are now a tent pole for all conversations in every pub, bar and restaurant in the land.
This means there’s no time to watch anything — apart from Pointless, obviously — on “normal” television.
There’s no doubt in my mind — not even a small one — that Britain in general and the BBC in particular could make drama to rival the best that America and Scandinavia are pumping out right now.
We have the skills. We have the know-how. And we have the money.
Unfortunately, we are spending that money as though it’s 1954.
At present the BBC gets a huge chunk of change every year and has to spend a ton of it making shows to fill its channels at two in the afternoon or four in the morning.
It may not cost much to make those programmes where old people sell trinkets at an auction or look at houses by the seaside. But it costs something.
And what’s the point? Because no one is watching. So why not pack it in? Drop Cash In The Attic and put some cash in the coffers instead.
In short, get rid of scheduling completely.
Follow the model of Netflix and Amazon and only make stuff for the iPlayer. Stuff like Sherlock and Line Of Duty. Documentaries like Blue Planet II.
THE Director-General of the BBC says that unless he’s given eleventy trillion pounds immediately, there will be no more British-made television
Forget the need to preach liberal values and don’t worry about flash photography or counselling for people affected by issues raised in the programme.
Say anything and everything, and let the customer decide whether it’s what they want to see and hear.
Ditch it when it doesn’t work and spend big when it does.
Don’t look at Game Of Thrones and think, ‘Oh no, we could never do that.’
Because we are doing that, only with American money.
It’s the same story with The Grand Tour.
That’s made by a British company and British people. Apart from the 4K multi-camera studio, which is run by the Dutch.
The money though, once again, is American.
And The Crown? Brilliant. Made by Brits. Loved all over the world. And paid for in dollars.
So no, I don’t agree with Tony Hall, the Beeb’s Director-General.
Spending a lot on what we do well and not making the mortar that holds the schedules together will put us back in front.
With a range of shows made here, and paid for here as well.
Padd as hell - and out for justice
THE director of the new Paddington movie sequel, Paul King, says he wanted to call the film Paddington Packs Heat: My Town, My Rules.
He was overruled so it’s opening next week as Paddington 2. Shame.
UNWANTED EXTRAS
A 23-YEAR-OLD man reported his masseuse to police after she tried to grab his genitals.
He said he’d asked for the massage to help with a sore back but at the end she started to perform services he wasn’t expecting.
He describes the experience as a “bad vibe”. I see, mate.
So when a movie has a happy ending, do you leave the cinema thinking, “I wish the little girl’s pony had died”?
Doggies doo not
THE public footpath that runs through my farm is littered with brightly coloured plastic bags full of dog crap.
Pet enthusiasts reckon they are being responsible bagging the turds.
But leaving them in situ? I’m sorry. That’s not responsible at all.
And now a marine conservation charity has leapt into the debate, saying that in one weekend alone, volunteers had cleared up 792 bags of dog excrement from various British beaches.
They say this is totally unacceptable. And councils agree.
On my farm, things will be different.
If I see someone flouting the law, I will simply push them into a threshing machine.
SO, a couple of friends were out in the park with their dogs when they decided to stop off at a cafe. All very lovely.
One of the friends went off to get drinks and asked the other to hold her dog’s lead while she was gone.
That’s getting on for a quarter of a million pounds, just for asking someone to look after your dog while you buy them a drink.
Yes, it’s true, the dog in question did lurch at the lead, which caused the woman holding it to fall over. And it’s true also that she broke her arm in the fall.
But there was no malice here. It wasn’t a pre-planned operation. It was just an accident.
The judge, however, thought differently.
And that makes me sad. Because what he’s saying is that friends helping one another out isn’t the sort of thing that should be allowed in modern society.
What a waste of Spacey
WHAT was Kevin Spacey Invader thinking of?
What are we supposed to say back? “Oh well, that’s all right then”?
It’d be like Harvey Weinstein sayinghis sex pestery was all down to the fact that he’s straight.
I’m not sure the rest of us see it that way.
But who knows? It might work.
Next time I’m caught speeding, I’ll write to the court saying that I can’t help it. I like driving fast.
Est-hair is my tip for PM
THERE’S a lot of talk at the moment about who will replace Theresa May and I think I have the answer – Esther McVey’s hair.
Esther is a former television presenter who’s now the Deputy Chief Whip and MP for Tatton, wherever that is.
I’m sure she’s done many things in her life that are important and clever but all of them are completely overshadowed by what’s growing out of her head.
If she were ever to speak to me, I’d be captivated, standing there with my mouth open, thinking: “How much did that cost?”
I’ve never see hair so magnificently and beautifully sculpted and teased and widened.
On some days, it’s three times bigger than her whole face.
And it moves like she’s permanently stuck in a Timotei commercial.
Boris Johnson may like to think he has the most interesting hair in the Commons, and Michael Fabricant is an obvious contender too – he’s a man who takes a picture of a mop to the barbers and says: “Like that – only the colour of urine.”
But both are soundly beaten by Esther’s.
Come the next election, I’d just put it in front of a wind machine and post slow-motion videos on YouTube urging us to vote for Esther’s hair.
Corbyn wouldn’t stand a chance.
SHAPE BLIND
A COMPANY making electric cabs wanted to make them look like traditional black taxis.
And understandably, the company that makes those traditional black cabs said: “Er, you can’t do that.”
Not distinctive? Really? Next week, the judge will decide the Coca-Cola bottle isn’t distinctive either and there is nothing wrong with a company calling itself Heinz and selling baked beans in a green tin with “57” on the label.
MOST READ IN OPINION
