George Michael’s documentary Freedom was only filled with his A-list conceited friends who flipped the documentary around to make it about themselves
The highly-anticipated celebration of George Michael's life showed us that he was a musical genius with the voice to match, but he was not a documentary maker
OVERWHELMED by her own “honesty” and sheer love-liness, supermodel Naomi Campbell was forced to drop what she clearly considered to be a bombshell, on George Michael: Freedom documentary.
“I was a Culture Club fan,” she purred, with self-contentment, “And we used to throw eggs at Wham! fans.”
Probably still would, in fact, if one of them worked as her personal assistant and there weren’t any mobile phones to hand.
But that’s about it, as far as the celebrity revelations went, on Channel 4’s much-hyped and rather starstruck celebration of George Michael who, I hope we’re agreed here, brought more joy to the world before his 24th birthday than the rest of us will probably manage in our three score years and ten combined.
He was a musical genius, with the voice to match.
What he wasn’t, though, was a television documentary-maker, as became immediately clear when Kate Moss swivelled round to introduce Freedom and explain that George was putting the finishing touches to it when he died, last December.
What then followed was a list of contributors, but none of the ones you’d see on a definitive documentary: Andrew Ridgeley, Pepsi & Shirlie, Wham! manager Simon Napier Bell, Kenny Goss, Fadi
Fawaz, Kathy Hill off the Last Christmas video, Marcelo Rodriguez of the LAPD, a Pentonville cellmate and maybe, just maybe, some of his civilian fans.
What we got instead was a full Shake ’n’ Vac of the red carpet.
Elton, James Corden, Liam Gallagher, Ricky Gervais, Kate, Naomi, Christy Turlington and other supermodels from the Freedom 90 video, which is a bit like making a documentary about Ali/Foreman’s Rumble In The Jungle with all the ring girls.
It’s also the worst trap a documentary can walk into, as celebrities invariably turn it into The George Michael Who Knew Me, as was demonstrated, with breathtaking conceit, by Ricky Gervais.
“George had a much harder journey than me, in a way. ’Cos if you get fame and accolades and riches beyond your wildest dreams as a teenager, it usually goes wrong.”
Majestic, no? All that fame, success and money George earned and Ricky transfers it to himself.
Inevitably, Ricky also thought he was the comic interlude Freedom needed, as it got horribly bogged down in the legal battle that blighted George’s life, as well as the bereavements.
The jester role, though, was already taken by someone I didn’t recognise at first. I think it was the library (not his own) that threw me, but it turned out to be Liam Gallagher, who may well have been interrupted having a crack at The West Highland Way, as he was wearing a waterproof jacket and sunglasses.
My suspicion is, though, Liam’s a 14-year-old brain trapped in a 45-year-old man’s body, as he swore a lot, had a dig at Noel (and by extension George) for liking Wham! and hinted he stole his copy of Listen Without Prejudice, ’cos he’s such a hard nut.
Liam did, however, like Praying For Time’s lyrics. “ ‘The rich declare themselves poor’.
“It’s got a birrova dig, knowarramean. It’s like, you bunch of fookin’ ****s, knowarramean. Always playing the fookin’ poverty card.”
Yeah, multi-millionaires acting the working-class hero. It’s a real pain in the rear, Liam, I do know what you mean.
The greater irony here, though, given the A-list cast, was that his fame caused George almost nothing but misery. Indeed, the only relief from it and them came with segment devoted to his lost love Anselmo Feleppa, which was by far the best bit of the documentary.
Ricky, Liam and the talking heads were back as soon as it had moved on, however, and I thought, for several horrible minutes, one of them was going to get the final word.
Fortunately, someone had the good sense to allow George Michael a guess at his own legacy. “A great songwriter?”
Mission so beautifully accomplished.
TV GOLD
ITV’s An Hour To Catch A Killer. Larry David asking out Mary Steenburgen on Curb Your Enthusiasm. George Michael: Freedom concluding with A Different Corner.
And the stunned Apprentice silence which greeted Joanna’s response to the suggestion their hotel-room makeover should feature fir-tree wallpaper.
“Is there such a thing as a tree with fur?” Good luck explaining horse chestnuts to her.
Liar too good to be true
LIAR ended with an “oh” rather than an “ooooh”, having convinced itself the righteous power of its message overcame preachy dialogue and an increasingly ludicrous plot.
For millions of like-minded virtue-signallers and docile ITV presenters out there, I’m sure it will have done as well.
Those of us who were hoping for a decent drama rather than another lecture, however, will be left to conduct our own inquiry into the cross-border police operation and suggest the Chief Constable’s Award for Civilian Detective Work is the very least Joanne Froggatt’s Laura deserves.
First she cleared up the mystery of Andrew’s ex-wife’s death and uncovered another of his rape victims, with one knock of a door in Edinburgh.
Then she solved the entire crime, after the Kent plod ignored her tip-off about the recordings, by calmly fetching them all from his mum’s shed.
You’d hope she now sticks around and suggests an aerial hunt might come in handy for Andrew, as he has been lying dead in the nearby marshes for three weeks and almost certainly isn’t getting up for a second series.
Slow-on-the-uptake fans of these formula-driven, crime-dramas-with-a-PC-message need not fear, though.
I am 100 per cent certain there’ll be another chance to shout, “Well I never! It was the white, middle-class man all along,” any minute . . .
CAREER update of the week.
Celebrity Hunted: “Hello ladies. I’m Anneka Rice and I’m in real trouble.”
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
- Simon Cowell either starting or ending every sentence with the word “guys”.
- Good Morning Britain jumping the gun by reporting: “Republic of Ireland qualify for World Cup by beating Wales.”
- EastEnders’ propaganda unit using veteran Ted to suggest the Suez Crisis was caused by greed for oil, rather than a Soviet stooge nationalising the canal.
- The biased and b******s Have I Got News For You devoting just 82 seconds to Harvey Weinstein bashing but a full 12 minutes to more witless, anti-Tory blah.
- And Loose Women’s Andrea McLean, lobbying for National TV Awards votes in early October with the claim: “We want to win it for every single one of you at home.” Not in my name, guys.
GOOD Morning Britain, gender fluidity, Piers Morgan: “Can I look in the mirror and say I’m an elephant today?”
Today, tomorrow, Friday, two weeks next Thursday . . .
Hunters missing in action
YOU see the scale of the task facing Channel 4’s famous fugitives when the elite team of trackers cast their expert eyes over footage of the London Eye, River Thames, Buckingham Palace, Hyde Park, Westminster . . .
Then, quick as a flash, one master of the dark surveillance arts observes: “It’s definitely London.”
Oh yes, they can run but they certainly can’t hide on Celebrity Hunted, where the likes of Jamie and
Spencer from Made In Chelsea, two members of The Wanted and Gogglebox’s Steph & Dom are attempting to remain hidden from public view, while getting rip-roaringly drunk for two entire weeks.
It’s not so much a challenge as a way of life for some of them, of course, particularly Anneka Rice, who seemed to have found the most perfectly anonymous and lonely place on Earth – panellist on The Wright Stuff – before she went on the run for Hunted.
The insanely annoying thing about this show, though, is that it’s hardly going to stretch to a four- part series if that elite team of ex-coppers, former spooks and military types round everyone up before their first lunch break.
So they seem to spend a lot of effort and energy tracking them down and then, you know, just sort of let them slip away at the last moment.
At the end of the first episode, the team had once again cornered those amiable old p***pots Steph & Dom, who were quite clearly befuddled, may well have misheard the title of the show and looked like they were in urgent need of advice. So I hope they don’t mind if I oblige.
There’s no C in Hunted.
EASTENDERS moves deftly on to the subject of ancestral DNA, via Kim Fox: “I’m 95 per cent African.
I’ve got Nigerian, Ghana and Cameroon – and guess what the other five per cent is?”
French fries?
GREAT TV LIES AND DELUSIONS OF THE WEEK
- George Michael: Freedom, Tracey Emin: “The Eighties were probably one of the most depressing times for young people in British history.” (Speak for yourself).
- The One Show, Matt Baker: “Susan Calman’s a comedian who’s wowing the nation with her fancy footwork and glittering personality.”
- And Loose Women, Janet Street-Porter on Gloria Hunniford’s OBE: “I got a CBE last year, and it’s fantastic day, so I’ll be thinking of
- you.”
- And definitely not just using it as a chance to pull honours rank with a member of “the sisterhood”.
Lookalikes
THIS week’s £69 winner is Charles from TV’s best show, The Apprentice, and Mr Gristle from Boxtrolls.
- Sent in by “Kazinsky”, via email. Picture research: Jim Taylor.
QUIZ SHOW BONE DOMES OF THE WEEK
- Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Members of the species known as homo sapiens have how many legs?” Di: “Four.”
- The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which fictional pilot first appeared in the 1932 story The White Fokker?” Charles: “Snoopy.”
- Ben Shephard: “Enver Hoxha became Communist leader of which European country in 1944?” James: “China.”
- And Ben Shephard: “In 2013 businesswoman Laura Alvarez married which future Labour leader?” Kathryn: “David Cameron.”
Great Sporting Insights
- Lee Dixon: “I’m not saying Mbappe’s the same as Rashford, but he’s exactly the same.”
- Iain Dowie: “Paul Tisdale’s had some great success getting beat in the play-off final.”
- Scott McTominay: “Not everyone is born at 16 years old.”
- And Charlie Nicholas: “When you’re trying to move defenders, the secret is to move them.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
