It’s hard, I know… but here’s some friendly advice on what NOT to say to someone with cancer – and what can REALLY help
WHEN you're diagnosed with cancer, it happens.
Cue an emotional rollercoaster... for you, your friends and family. And then come the questions.
As if that is not enough to cope with, there's also the reaction from strangers when the subject comes up in conversation, plus THEIR questions.
I was diagnosed with bowel cancer just before Christmas, then found out it had spread to my lungs - making it stage 4 - a few months later - so I know about these questions all too well.
Last Wednesday, I was in the pub playing wing man for my single mate.
As is often the case, I was left talking to a bloke called Jack.
He asked what I did to fill the time, I replied: "Me, urmmm, I'm a mum, teacher, do a bit of writing on the side, you know just bumbling through life."
We made small talk, he was persistent.
DON'T SAY...
I KNOW it's hard to know what to say, before I was diagnosed I was in your shoes.
But here's a bit of friendly advice... try and avoid saying this to anyone with stage 4 cancer:
1. "I'm so sorry"
Please don’t be, I don’t feel sorry for myself!
2. "I know you can fight this"
It’s not a f***ing war! I’m already trying my best, but if cancer wins out, I haven’t lost.
I just have a mutational cancer screw up that is stronger than any punch bag, smile, turmeric smoothie on this planet and it’s ravaging my body!
3. "What's the plan?"
It’s generally to stay alive, but your guess is as good as mine!
4. "How long are you on chemo?"
Quite possibly forever, or until my liver packs up – I’m not even joking
5. "I know how you must feel"
REALLY? Nope, last time I checked there was only one person living in my brain
I had been trying for 30 minutes to avoid the whole cancer chat. But then, out of nowhere, it was like I vomited it out of my mouth.
It was easier than explaining why I wasn't teaching at the moment, and why my bum was appearing on The Sun's Facebook page, invading his feed and why I was drunk after one large glass of wine.
When I mention stage four cancer, I find rooms fall silent, the mood dampens - no matter how lighthearted I am about it.
Another common one, is amazing friends and family asking, “what can I do to help”? Truthfully… just remember I’m still me!
People honestly don't know what to say or do - even complete strangers are stopped in their tracks, left contemplating life or mine at least.
Heavy, huh?
But, it's a fact of life when you have cancer! You have to deal with the reactions and emotions of others.
So here's some friendly advice for what NOT to say when the C- bomb is dropped:
- What's the plan? - It's generally to stay alive, but your guess is as good as mine!
- How long are you on chemo for? - Quite possibly forever, or until my liver packs up - I'm not even joking
- I know how you must feel - REALLY? Nope, last time I checked there was only one person living in my brain
- I'm so sorry - Please don't be, I don't feel sorry for myself!
- I know you can fight this - It's not a f***ing war! I'm already trying my best, but if cancer wins out, I haven't lost. I just have a mutational cancer screw up that is stronger than any punch bag, smile, turmeric smoothie on this planet and it's ravaging my body!
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP?
WHILE there are things that it's hard to hear, when you're facing stage 4 cancer, there are lots of things people can do to help.
It's likely to vary from cancer patient to the next, but for me, these simple things put big smiles on my face.
1. Go old school
Write a letter or postcard and send it through the actual post - it's such a lovely surprise.
2. Feed me
Bring me food, bake a cake, freeze some soup, buy some fresh bread... it's so simple but the thought REALLY counts.
3. Dance like no one's watching
Arrange a night out, and take me with you... just like old times.
4. Entertain the kids
Offer to babysit, or even take the kids for a play date, it'll give me time to breathe.
5. Be MY wing man
And come indulge in back to back episodes of Love Island while downing wine and getting over another round of chemo.
BUT MOST OF ALL... treat me the same as you always have done!
Another common one, is amazing friends and family asking, "what can I do to help"?
Truthfully... just remember I'm still me!
Yes, I have cancer, but sadly one in two of us will at some point in our lives.
Personally, I want to be as "normal" as possible. I want to go to the pub, drink wine, enjoy a film, go shopping, chat sex with my pals and lust over clothes (and boys).
Of course cancer is there, it's a part of me, but it doesn't need to BE me!
If exercise were a pill, we’d consider it a wonder drug
When doctors told me I needed a lung op a few months ago, to try and blast four tumours, I couldn't believe it.
I had just run a 10km, the day before, how could I manage that with lung tumours?
But, it turns out it was that running that meant I was deemed fit enough to be operated on.
And my regular exercise has helped me recover from major surgery twice, at breakneck speed.
I love the “buzz” I get from a workout, and I’m fiercely competitive – none more so than when it comes to outsmarting my cancer
And on top of that, yes, I run on chemo! Nothing epic, more a leisurely 5km.
But that's when I feel free - plus it helps me feel better about drinking rose!
I tell myself, if I run three miles, I can't die today - screwed up, I know.
Having said all that, the day before I was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, I was kicking butt in a gym session (one of four I do each week, every week), and yes, I STILL got cancer.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in the power of exercise.
I love the "buzz" I get from a workout, and I'm fiercely competitive – none more so than when it comes to outsmarting my cancer.
I’m given daily advice from others on how to whip cancer's ass – and yet the most obvious and effective method of how we can help reduce our risk is all too often over looked – EXERCISE.
Last week at a Bowel Cancer UK study day, an expert told me: "If exercise was a pill, it would be considered a wonder drug."
He said doing just 30 minutes of exercise, five times a week could help prevent one in eight cases of bowel and breast cancer - and one in 10 womb cancers in the UK.
Despite that, stats from the World Cancer Research Fund show in 2016 only 59 per cent of women and 63 per cent of men are hitting that amount of activity.
Adopting a healthier lifestyle - so eating healthier foods, stopping smoking, drinking less booze and exercising - could help cut half of bowel cancer cases - not least because it helps fight the flab, which is linked to 13 different cancers.
And not only can exercise prevent cancer, the researchers said it improves quality of life for cancer patients AND it can stop the disease coming back!
Now, I’m no preacher and I’m certainly not going to tell you to pass up a good cold glass of plonk, but I know, despite my running attempts, I could be healthier, and if you are in the 40 per cent not meeting guidelines then you could be too.
I am certain if the benefits of exercise were put into a pill, we’d be paying top dollar to consume it!
So how about we try the free version first?
Have you nominated your Who Cares Wins hero yet?
I have – so please join me!
We all have a story - so this is your opportunity to nominate your hero of the NHS world in The Sun's Who Cares Wins health awards.
The selfless dedicated doctors, nurses, midwives, paramedics, charities and support staff who have made a difference to you in your time of need.
Now its time to say thank you for being there when we need them the most.
Hurry before it’s too late!
#C*ckoffCancer
This week like most parents I’m preparing for six weeks of trying to stop my children killing each other – or me getting there first!
I failed in epic style on day one of the holidays and took up boxing!
I did laugh though when my son thought he could out do me, kicked the bag incorrectly and spent the next hour with an ice pack against his toe!
I’d love to hear from you about #thethingscancermademesay.
Tell me your journey, show off your scars, share what keeps you smiling, or how you are giving two fat fingers to cancer (or anything else for that matter!)
To contact me email [email protected] and follow me onand and come join the