After an hour of stupid argument and ‘facts’, we have the answer to Channel 4’s Is Love Racist? Predictably, it’s not
Sun TV critic was less than impressed by the show - which commissioned a pseudo-scientific survey, involving dating apps, to bombard viewers with indignant statistics
IS Love Racist? No, it’s a many-splendored thing. Next dumb-arse question?
Oh. I see. It’s not a question, it’s a fait accompli. Channel 4’s idiot unit has dedicated a whole hour to the discussion, in fact, but qualified the title slightly, ’cos even they can’t quite justify their own rabble-rousing stupidity.
So we ended being offered Is Love Racist? The Dating Game, hosted by Emma Dabiri, who’s busy turning an Ali G quote — “Is it ’cos I is black?” — into a TV career and recently appeared on Newsnight arguing that Justin Bieber was guilty of “cultural appropriation”, ’cos he’d grown dreadlocks.
One act of PC self-parody would be enough humiliation for most people, you’d think, but anti-racism is now an industry as much as it’s a cause.
Emma’s got bills to pay, same as the rest of rest of us, so we were treated to a whole hour inside her head last night.
What became immediately apparent, of course, was that they didn’t mean “Love”. They meant physical attraction, but no one had the integrity to abandon the title totally.
A shame, I thought. Viewers might have embraced a show called Are Your Goolies Racist? or Have You Got Hitler Down Your Pants?
Or indeed anything that was a bit less misleading than “Love”.
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What also swiftly emerged, though, was that Emma, far from being the adorable, open-minded, free spirit she imagines herself to be, had made up her mind that we were pretty much guilty of any offence she chose to throw at us, long before filming started.
To this end, she’d commissioned her own pseudo-scientific survey, involving dating apps, and bombarded us with indignant statistics.
“Sixty-eight per cent of people prefer to date their own ethnicity.” “Only five per cent of 18 to 24-year-olds have had at least one date outside their own race.”
Exactly 100 per cent of South East Asian woman get the right old hump if you dive into bed with them shouting: “Tora! Tora! Tora!”
Weirdly, Emma also broke off to deliver a fantastically po-faced student lecture about what she called black men’s “appendages”.
Even if none of the owners are complaining, it’s wrong to stereotype them as huge, you see.
Though, personally, having watched Channel 4’s Naked Attraction straight before Is Love Racist?, I was still reeling from the appearance of Jordan’s mighty “appendage”, which raised far more questions than Emma answered. Like, does he feed that thing white mice twice a day? Is it kept in a heated tank? Has he got it covered by the dangerous pets act?
I digress, though, ’cos as well as the nationwide survey, Is Love Racist? had also assembled, for experi-mental purposes, an entirely unscientific group of ten volunteers who came from right “across the country”.
Right across the country, that is, apart from Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and most places outside of South East England.
Is this because Emma is herself a secret racist herself, who subconsciously hates Scotsmen? No, of course it’s not.
It’s because, for all the left-wing noises Channel 4 makes, there’s only so much of its budget the network wants to throw at this old cobblers.
Whatever it cost them, though, it was still too much. You needed no more than five seconds in the company of blokes such as Jed and Jordan to realise they’d hump anything, white, black, brown, green, cranberry crunch, lemon punch, The Hair Bear Bunch . . . ANYTHING.
What is blindingly obvious to the ordinary viewer, however, takes a bit longer for someone left-wing and as professionally offended as Emma to process and regurgitate in language that allows her to retreat from the title, with as much condescension and dignity as it would allow.
Very grandly, she finally managed it, helped by her social scientist mate, Keon West, in the 55th minute.
“We’re not saying you’re a racist (Gee, thanks). But it’s useful to know you respond to people differently ’cos of their ethnicity. You could be missing out on the love of your life.”
There you have it then. The Fuhrer isn’t lurking in your gusset . . . but it might be Nigel Farage.
Coming next on Channel 4: Is Envy Sexist? Are All Temper Tantrums Misogynist? Will Brexit Lead to a Rise in Transphobic Cucumber Jokes? And all sorts of other questions where the answer’s always: “No. Grow up.”
TALKING BALLS AT WIMBO
Great Wimbledon insights:
- John McEnroe: “I was amazed at all the things I was amazed at.”
- Andrew Castle: “It was unexpected but you still just knew it was coming.”
- John McEnroe: “The big question is, how dig can she deep?”
- Tim Henman: “You could see the emotion in his voice.”
- Boris Becker: “Centre Court on finals Sunday is a very intimidating place. You either love it or hate it, there’s no two ways about it.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray).
Quiz show bone brains of the week
- Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “In 2013 which city was named the UK’s City Of Culture for 2017?”
Leah: “Rome.” - The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “What Australian state is known by the initials SA?”
Kevin: “New South Wales.” - Bradley Walsh: “What’s the one-word stage name of Jamaican musician Orville Richard Burrell?”
Jenni: “Bob Marley.” - And Bradley Walsh: “William Hunter Fisher are the first names of what jockey?”
- Dan: “Frankie Dettori.”
Best quiz show answer of the week
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “In the 1960s Tony Benn proposed removing what from stamps?”
Kay: “The glue?”
“No. The Queen’s head.”
Prediction of the month
Good Morning Britain, Piers “Mystic Moron” Morgan: “I’ve got a feeling about Andy Murray, this year.
";He’s been building up and I just think we could be watching more Andy Murray Wimbledon glory.”
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS OF THE WEEK
- Game Of Thrones lumbering its brilliant self with an Ed Sheeran cameo song that was almost as bad as Galway Girl.
- Who Do You Think You Are bothering its arse with a trip to Australia, just to unearth Craig Revel-Horwood’s clog-dancing ancestor. Karaoke meeting The Exorcist on The Voice Kids.
- Emma Willis allowing Big Brother to poison her otherwise admirable career.
- And Russian Roulette suck-ups Eamonn and Ruth being given exclusive access to Donald Trump’s mate Emin Agalarov and his billionaire dad, but asking them nothing more searching than: “Are you looking forward to tonight’s concert?”
Pulitzer’s in the post, big boy.
Great Love Island lies and delusions of the week
- Tyla: “Just be you, funny, brilliant Georgia.”
(Who?) - Kem: “I would say I’m sexy, would you?”
(No). - And Montana: “Alex has been brought down here from Heaven.”
(Gosforth).
Smoothest Love Island operator of the week
Definitely Theo, speaking to Chris, on Tuesday: “First thing’s to get Jonny out the picture. Done.
“Secondly, get friendly with Tyla, make her laugh, have good banter. Done.
“Third part? Sharing a bed, by the end the week. It’s gonna be done.”
23 minutes later . . .
Tyla to Theo: “Knobhead comment and you’re a knobhead guy. Suck on that d***head.”
Done.
Love Island Quiz, the decider
“Who or what is Dicksand?”
A ) A nudist beach near Cala D’Or.
B) Muggy Mike.
C) Chris.
D) The former President of the World Anti-doping Agency.
TV GOLD
- Game Of Thrones reminding viewers it’s still the most beautiful and imaginative production on television.
- Dunkirk veterans putting everything in perspective, on The One Show.
- The epic Rafael Nadal v Gilles Muller Wimbledon encounter.
- The fairly gob-smacking response to Love Island’s Montana telling Kem he “looks like Anne Frank.” “Who’s she?” Chris: “Henry VIII’s wife.”
- And Russian Roulette co-host Ruth Langsford attempting to sum up the size of the country, while pointing straight at husband Eamonn Holmes: “It’s so big it’s got 11 separate time zones.”
Yeah and his own micro-climate as well.
'Psychic' is dead weight
THE E! network’s Hollywood Medium Tyler Henry is another TV “psychic” who’s either re-writing scientific history or scavenging a living off people’s grief using a mixture of flattery, guesswork and research.
Either way, there’s no shortage of credulous fools who want him to speak to their dead loved ones.
Some you might even recognise, though part of Tyler’s schtick, to enhance the psychic illusion, involves failing to recognise almost everyone.
In an episode filmed in December but screened last month, for instance, he appeared totally blank when presented with Mel B.
As if by magic, though, her dead grandad suddenly appeared, with no dire warnings about her soon to be ex-husband, which might have been helpful, but an assurance some of the Spice Girls would reunite soon.
’Cos it’s never anything really useful, like the name of the next Gold Cup winner, with psychics, is it? It’s just stuff you could crib from a newspaper.
Even Tyler, though, couldn’t play dumb with this week’s very famous guest, Janice Dickinson who in no time at all was put in touch, via heaven’s telephone exchange, with the late, great Blues Brother John Belushi, who had two cosmically important messages to deliver involving his own death and what sounded like his film star brother.
“He’s basically apologising.”
Uh-huh?
“And the name Jimmy’s coming through.”
Jim Belushi? Apologising? For Curly Sue, K-9 and Filofax?
It’s a bit too late for sorry now, Tyler.
Tell him to sod off back to the afterlife.
Next?