Are you addicted to Love Island like most of the country? Take my quiz to test your level of commitment
SOMETHING odd happened at the end of This Morning’s interview with Love Island’s Nathan, Danielle and Chyna last week.
Phillip Schofield turned to them and said: “It’s great having you back in the country,” like they’d been up in the Space Station, with Major Tim Peake, or Helmand Province, rather than a sunbathing contest on ITV2.
At that point I knew Britain had lost its friggin’ mind over this television show.
I’m no innocent here, of course. I’m hooked on the damn thing and actively seek out fellow Love Island obsessives for conversations.
So with that and my unfailing commitment to quality/space-filling journalism in mind, a quiz to test your level of commitment, or introduce you to the combatants.
Answers at the bottom.
1. Marcel doesn’t like to talk about his time as a member of which group?
a) Blazin’ Squad.
b) The Spencer Davis Group.
c) ETA, the Basque separatist group.
2. Posh Scottish contestant Camilla earns her living in what unusual way?
a) Selling five cigarette lighters for £1 on Sauchiehall Street.
b) Landmine disposal in Zimbabwe.
c) Behind the counter in Dante's kebab shop, Dumfries.
3. How did Kem explain evolution to Sam and Amber?
a) Using basic Darwinian theory.
b) Via the Old Testament.
c) "A fish came out with legs, dropped a sperm and it's gone into humans."
4. What level of Spanish does Chris speak?
a) Conversational.
b) Fluent.
c) “We need garlic. Garlic! GAR-LIC. Garlicio?”
5. Complete little Kem’s sentence: “I’m probably the full package. If I was taller I’d . . . ”
a) “Still look like Stacey Solomon’s love child.”
b) “Be a ten.”
c) “Be allowed on the Oblivion ride at Alton Towers.”
6. Where was Tyla referring to when she said: “I once went on a date to . . . what’s that tall, pointy building?”
a) The temple at Angkor Wat, in Cambodia.
b) The Shard.
c) Round the back of Tilbury B power station, in Essex.
7. What piece of classical music did Kem have sex with Amber to last Wednesday?
a) The Flight of the Bumblebee.
b) Wagner’s Ring Cycle (all 15 hours).
c) The William Tell overture.
8. Amber described herself as what, on the first episode?
a) “The P in party.”
b) “The pee in pool.”
c) “The K in psycho.”
9. On day one Sam claimed: “I pull birds for a living.” But how many birds did he pull on Love Island?
a) All of them.
b) One (Montana).
c) None. Count them, NONE.
10. Unlucky-in-love Harley is what?
a) An international playboy.
b) A member of the SAS.
c) An industrial concreter from Norwich.
11. How many people did Chris say fancied him in the villa?
a) Just Olivia.
b) Everyone.
c) He’d never be so conceited as to suggest anyone fancied him.
12. What animal did Chris say he was like?
a) A polar bear.
b) A weasel.
c) A cock.
13. Marcel refers to his sexual organ by what affectionate nickname?
a) Lil’ M.
b) Rocky B.
c) Tinie Membah.
14. Marcel is how many years old?
a) Five.
b) 17.
c) He’s a full-grown, 31-year-old man.
15. Who said: “Time to get down to business. Enter The Flack?”
a) Love Island narrator Iain Stirling.
b) Harry Styles.
c) Prince Harry.
d) Harry Secombe.
e) Jack Street.
f) Blue Logan.
g) Rizzle Kicks’ Jordan.
h) Uncle Tom Cobley.
Answers
1. a
2. b
3. c
4. c,
5. b
6. b
7. c
8. a
9. c
10. c
11. b
12. a
13. b
14. c
15. Probably most of them, but I’m going with a.
SCORES: If you scored 0-8, congratulations, you have a life.
If you scored 8-15, congratulations, you could present This Morning with Phillip Schofield.
MOST READ IN OPINION
Pricey costs us drear
THE day after that whinnying pony dumped all over This Morning’s carpet, some mad woman’s pet crow unleashed an ear-bleeding squawk before dropping its load on Holly and Phillip’s sofa.
A fact I mention for two reasons.
First, because it was funny and, second, because Katie Price relaunched her singing her career on the Quest Red channel last night.
A fly-on-the-wall venture called My Crazy Life. Which is a bit of an optimistic title, given Katie’s life is horrendously dull, as a succession of ever more obscure television channels, like Sky Living, TLC and Quest Red, have learned the hard way.
The reason for this couldn’t be more obvious. The star of the show is interested in no one but herself.
Other people exist just to be bent to her stupid, toxic will, as we discovered when she announced: “I’m going to release a single, what do you think?”
Son Junior thought she was “having a laugh”.
Daughter Princess looked mortified.
Distressed pilot whales began beaching themselves up and down the coast of Britain.
Only one person, in fact, on the entire planet thought this was a good idea.
So I don’t need to tell you what happens next, do I?
Fetch the bucket and mop, Holly.
— SEEING as I’m in the questioning mood, who recently said the following: “Could you work with this penis?”
a) Naked Attraction’s presenter Anna Richardson to Izzy?
b) Good Morning Britain’s head of recruitment to Susanna Reid?
Facing the naked truth
FOLLOWING a succession of dating disasters 19-year-old Marlie, from Wakefield, took the only sensible course of action available to her last week.
She whipped her gear off on episode two of Channel 4’s Naked Attraction and was almost spoilt for choice by the six available men.
Poets, scholars, educators, healers, that bloke off the Light Blue Fragrance, Dolce & Gabbana advert.
None of them were there, so she picked a date with steel worker Danny, from Yorkshire, on account of his muscles and genitals.
Imagine her shock and fury then when dreamboat Danny turned up hungover for their date and announced he’d found someone else.
It was not just “disrespectful”, Marlie reckoned, it suggested he wasn’t taking this process “seriously”.
And I for one am inclined to agree.
For if a woman can’t find her Sir Galahad on a cheap, sleazy, semi-pornographic, late-night Channel 4 dating show, then it surely is time for this country to despair.
Or maybe just grow the hell up.
It’s one or the other, I’m sure.
— MY Crazy Life, Katie Price, on her singing career: “Who do you think I should record with, then?”
Phil Spector. The second he gets his gun licence back.
— BEST quiz show answer of the week. Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “A Virgoan is a person born under which sign of the zodiac?”
Jay: “Vertigo.”
TV gold
- Ross Kemp being mistaken for a white supremacist on the brave and brilliant Extreme World.
- Sky Atlantic repeating the Michael J Fox episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
- Love Island’s montage of sinister Craig saying: “D’you know what I mean,” at the end of every sentence.
- And Naked Attraction’s advert break optimistically offering its viewers Open University courses, before absolutely nailing the target audience with this beauty from B&Q: “Want the perfect tool for your project?”
— WIMBLEDON’S excellent BBC2 expert Tracy Austin tied with herself as winner of this week’s Filth Corner, opening up with, “Hard, flat, deep, Wang’s so penetrating on grass”, before triumphantly announcing: “Venus Williams, holding Wang on No2 court.”
Quiz show dough balls of the week
- Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “In maths, what number is a sum multiplied by if it’s quadrupled?”
Laura: “Three.” - The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “In 1995 what province narrowly voted against leaving Canada?”
Lorna: “France.” - Bradley Walsh: “Fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken was founded by which famous Colonel?”
Bob: “Uncle Sam.” - And Ben Shephard: “The Mail Online is the website version of which British national newspaper?”
Mick: “Pass.”
Great sporting insights
- Andre Agassi: “The one thing I’m teaching him is insight and clarity.”
- Huddersfield Town’s David Wagner: “There’s no pressure, but the pressure that’s there is a different kind of pressure.”
- Stuart Pearce: “I’m not saying we deserved the goal but we deserved it.”
- And John McEnroe: “I was fortunate enough to have the misfortune to play Connors.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Random TV irritations
- Clare Balding continually spoiling the result on BBC2’s Today At Wimbledon highlights show.
- EastEnders losing its mind with an incest storyline.
- A double onslaught of Saturday night boredom from Pitch Battle and The Voice Kids.
- Cut ’n’ paste ITV holidaymaker Joanna Lumley reminding us: “I was born in India.” (I had heard.)
- Naked Attraction contestants describing their humiliation as “empowering”.
- And clueless host Anna Richardson seriously asking a bloke, staring at five sets of bare knockers: “Do they look trustworthy to you?” ’Cos that’s the first thing we men look for in a pair of breasts. Trust.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
- Naked Attraction, Izzy: “I have five very attractive people in front of me.”
- My Crazy Life, Katie Price: “Without being arrogant or ignorant, I . . .”
- And Good Morning Britain, Piers Morgan on Love Island: “I’ve never watched a more cretinous bunch of people behave in a more cretinous manner,” says the man who edited the Daily Mirror from 1995 to 2004.
Lookalikes
THIS week’s winner is Phil Mitchell and Humpty from Shrek.
Sent in by the prolific Irene Emerson.
Picture research Alfie Snelling.