Kim Jong-un is making Donald Trump nervous and we really don’t want that — please sort him out, China
I’D love to film a day in the life of Kim Jong-un. I think people would enjoy it.
Here’s the kinda thing that might take place, based on his previous behaviour.
09:30: Get up and order a close family member to be blown to death by a cannon.
10:00: Eat six pounds of Swiss cheese.
10:03: Smash the bathroom scales and send them to a labour camp somewhere.
11:25: Issue a decree demanding all men in North Korea have the same haircut as you. A haircut a bit like boybands had in the 1990s.
12:30: Lunchtime. Lightly grilled Jack Russell and another six pounds of Swiss cheese. Washed down with imported Japanese whisky. Rest of his country is chowing down on grass, if they’re lucky.
13:00: Long nap.
15:00: Press conference grinning like a jackass with some identical Korean commie babes in uniform.
16:30: Nuke America.
It’s this last one which is getting everyone a bit hot and bothered.
The fat maniac has been developing the country’s nuclear capability at a rapid rate. He talks about unleashing “thermonuclear” devastation on his enemies — the USA and South Korea. And Japan.
The word “thermonuclear” suggests his scientists have worked out how to make fusion bombs. A hundred times more powerful than the fission bombs dropped on Japan in World War Two.
They could spoil your afternoon.
And now the Koreans seem to have developed a delivery mechanism, an intercontinental ballistic missile which could actually hit the USA. So every-one is getting a bit nervous.
Not least the Americans, and President Donald Trump. I don’t think any of us want a nervous Trump.
And Kim was quite clear — these missiles were for the “American b******s”.
Trump has talked about taking military action to sort out Kim.
That would be incredibly dangerous, of course.
He’s also talked about treating North Korea with “strategic patience”.
But that patience is being sorely tested.
The answer to this problem lies with North Korea’s only allies, China, and its neighbour, Russia.
China keeps urging the USA to wind down the rhetoric about North Korea.
And the Chinese have promised they’ll keep the deranged Kim in check.
But they have singularly failed to do this.
The suspicion is that they have far less influence with North Korea than was thought.
Vladimir Putin has been meeting with Chinese leaders, hoping to forge a new alliance. Both China and Russia have criticised the USA for putting defensive measures in place in South Korea.
Sorry, you Russkies. Sorry, China. It’s time to put up or shut up. So, get a bit heavy handed with Kim.
Force him, at the very least, to halt all further development of missiles.
Threaten to cut off trade entirely. Starve the megalomaniac into sub-mission. Because if you don’t clear up the mess in your own back yard, I’ve got a horrible feeling the Yankees will.
And everyone within a radius of 3,000 miles will end up glowing like the Ready Brek kid. If you can remember the Ready Brek kid.
Just telling the USA to be patient isn’t working. China must do something, quickly.
The sex robots are coming!
APPARENTLY, within ten years or so we’ll have our needs catered for by plastic, computerised creatures that will do everything we ask of them.
Already some academics are worrying about this.
Sex robots won’t be able to feel “love”. They’ll always be faking it. Ah well, never mind. My plea to the manufacturers is – please don’t make them TOO much like human women.
I don’t want to have to buy them dinner first, for a start.
Nor going berserk for a few days every month.
And I don’t want their mother coming over to stay, either.
Time to be tough
AT last, Haleema Butt has been sacked from her job at Heathrow Airport.
It was her lovely brother, Khuram Butt, who murdered eight people and injured scores more as part of the London Bridge terrorist attack.
I’m not sure why it took the authorities so long to get rid of sis.
Out of a wish to be fair and non-discriminatory, we bend over backwards to be nice to the relatives of mass murderers.
And store up problems for the future.
I think it’s time to get tough. The friends and relatives of those accused of terrorist attacks should not be allowed to work in areas where security might be a concern.
No matter if, like Haleema Butt, they are themselves innocent.
We have to get serious about this business.
And if that means trampling on the rights of a small number of people, so be it.
Parole's too lax
WHAT does “official supervision” mean?
Interesting term, isn’t it? Criminals let out of prison on parole are put under “official super- vision”.
We’ve just discovered that they murder an average of 76 people per year. That’s pretty astonishing, don’t you think?
Could I suggest that the supervising authorities maybe keep a slightly closer eye on their charges?
Just, y’know, get a bit more involved with their work? And to the parole boards, maybe think again when some murderous little scrote tells you he’s totally reformed and wants to dedicate his life to Jesus Christ?
Enjoy Brit for now...
AS promised last week, here’s another photo of a tennis player for you to admire.
This is the plucky British No4 Laura Robson.
In this shot she’s trying very hard to hit the ball over the net and past her opponent, whoever that might be.
I think she’s volleying the ball, or maybe it’s a chip, or a wedge. Do they have wedges in tennis?
Anyway, more photographs of lady tennis players next week.
But probably not, by then, British lady tennis players.
Make it Via-NO-go
HERE’S a tip for nowt. If you’re booking tickets for an event, don’t use Viagogo. That’s a ticket agency set up by some greedy Yank.
I used it and ended up paying THREE TIMES what I should have paid.
The website also lied about how many tickets were left for the concert I wanted to go to.
And good luck if you want to register a complaint. No chance.
If you’ve been ripped off by these scumbags in the past, let me know. I’m compiling a dossier – it’s become my new hobby.
Viagogo is far worse than the touts you see outside football grounds and concerts.
This is institutionalised theft and lying.
No views Peter
GUESS the viewing figures for a recent edition of the BBC’s Blue Peter on a digital channel?
Go on, you can do it. It’s a nice round number.
Yep, zero. Not a single child anywhere in the country.
I suppose it might be that the show is about as relevant to kids today as the hula hoop and rickets.
But insiders blame cuts to the budget. It was revealed this week that the BBC spends just HALF of its income on programmes.
The rest goes on managing its property empire, collecting the licence fee and running commercial operations.
These are shocking figures.
If the BBC can’t look after Blue Peter – which will be 60 years old in 2018 – then what’s the point of it?