Creepy judges and crappy acts are in Britain’s Got Talent’s DNA, no wonder Prince Philip retired
ALL those different theories about Prince Philip’s retirement. Age, health, political correctness.
But the answer’s been staring us in the face for seven weeks. Jules O’Dwyer & Matisse, Collabro, Attraction, Jai McDowall, Spelbound, Ashleigh & Pudsey.
“Sod that for a day at the carriage racing,” the old goat must have thought, before making his regal exit.
The common denominators, of course, being the annual torture of the Royal Variety Performance and Britain’s Got Talent, which ended on Saturday with a worthy if uneventful victory for Tokio Myers, the drum ’n’ piano bloke.
The show’s goose really should’ve been cooked last Monday, though, when a backing tape suddenly burst into life just after a technical hitch had halted “singing” from St Patrick’s Junior Choir Drumgreenagh.
It’s scandalous, really, that a talent show should involve any miming.
But the viewers are now so used to being deceived and manipulated that instead of putting a stop to the whole charade we all just shrugged, moaned a bit about Amanda Holden’s dress and let them carry on for the rest of the week.
The quality of the turns varied wildly during those subsequent semi-finals, which were marked by a lot of polite applause, awkward silences and fixed grins from the judges.
Some acts, like Jess Robinson, left you wondering when they’d actually started.
Other acts, like DNA and Niels Harder, left you wondering if they’d finished. And the river-dancing barman, David Geaney, just left me tearing my hair out with frustration that he doesn’t bill himself as The Landlord Of The Dance.
With the honourable exception, though, of a critically refreshed Simon Cowell, the judges seemed ridiculously pleased with nearly all of the offerings, particularly David Walliams, who always turns into the worst sycophant on TV during live week and surpassed even Amanda Holden’s creepiest efforts by telling Tokio Myers: “If Kanye West is watching he’d be willing to collaborate with you.”
He wasn’t.
Slightly weirdly, though, I actually started enjoying Britain’s Got Talent by Thursday’s semi-final.
That was the night which featured an unsuccessful attempt on the world balloon modelling record with Ryan Tracey and this memorable exchange between Simon Cowell and solemn Vicky, from the Guinness Book of Records, this year’s breakout star.
“Vicky, can you just confirm what number nine was?”
“Simon, number nine was a horse.”
It’s the very lifeblood of this show, crap like that, but it wasn’t the only thing it had in its favour this year.
Britain’s Got Talent was also just about the only place on television you were guaranteed to avoid politicians last week. And you really can’t put a price on that sort of respite at the moment.
Diane Abbott will not be around to save BGT’s ass in 2018, though.
She is, I hope, a very temporary factor. Thankfully, the two constants and ultimate salvation of Britain’s Got Talent, however, will continue to be the hosts who, whether it was children or pensioners, judged the tone of their exchanges to absolute perfection once again, this year.
I still maintain that the worst conceivable ITV show — of all time — would be It’ll Be All Right On The Night, with no funny clips, just Denis Norden’s links.
But a bad series of Britain’s Got Talent, without Ant & Dec, would push it all the way to second place.
BRITAIN’S Got Talent, Issy Simpson: “Amanda, what is your favourite time of day?”
“Half past six as I have a glass of wine then.”
Attagirl, Amanda, glug of wine at 6.30, then you’re ready for breakfast and to attack the day.
THIS Morning, Monday, yoga, Rylan: “I don’t like the idea of people seeing me do things like that. Can you do it at home?”
Instructor Shona Vertue: “Yes, all you need is a dumbbell.”
Then he’s good to go.
MOST READ IN OPINION
Lady Lucan can shine on CBB
Someone high up at Channel 5 wasn’t phoning Celebrity Big Brother’s bookers last night, screaming: “Get me Lady Lucan,” then they’re not quite the malevolent little turds I imagined them to be.
They’re not doing their job properly, either.
She was born for the show, as anyone who witnessed her perform- ance on ITV’s brilliant Lord Lucan: My Husband, The Truth will confirm.
A mesmerising hour of telly built around unseen home movie footage and her compelling version of the murder night which should’ve convinced even the most swivel-eyed conspiracy nut he killed Sandra Rivett.
There was no let up in the momentum, though, because Lady Lucan, above, spared us nothing about their marriage, delivering it all like dialogue from a Harry & Paul sketch.
“My sister told me, ‘He’s got socialist parents, he’s a professional gambler and he’s said to be queer’.”
Lord Lucan? A queer? Well no, he wasn’t. He was “a bottom” man who was into whips and “home movies”, as well as being an unutterable s**t who beat Lady Lucan regularly.
She was at least as damning about herself, though, cheerfully admitting she deserted her three children to play backgammon in Monte Carlo and secretly tape-recorded the vile confrontations which terminated their marriage
“And what would you say to him?”
“I’d say things like, ‘Your miserable, weak, drooping little penis . . .”
And if you still think he’s coming out of hiding after that kind of bombshell, then you probably had a grand on his Lordship riding Shergar to victory in Saturday’s Derby
BRITAIN’S Got Talent, Simon Cowell to the ever- so-slightly annoying Matt Edwards: “There are people up in the gallery now and I’d be thinking, if I was one of them and launching a new game show, I’d book you for that show in a heartbeat.”
Me too, ’cos they’re worth their weight in gold, good warm-up men
Great TV lies and delusions
Britain’s Got Talent, Ant: “After seven weeks of unforgettable auditions, we’ve now got 40 brilliant acts.”
Good Morning Britain, Piers Morgan: “I might be the stupid one here.” Might?
And Loose Women: “The description ‘one-hit- wonder girl’ is not true,” said one-hit-wonder girl Tiffany.
Mistake is taking a liberty
QUIZ show imbeciles of the week.
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard, above: “Which German pen manufacturer shares its name with France’s tallest mountain?”
Hayley: “Bic.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which British Prime Minister was educated at Holton Park Girls’ School?”
Andy: “Winston Churchill.”
Bradley Walsh: “The Statue of Liberty is a pale shade of what colour?”
Shauna: “Pink.”
And Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Which continent does the River Nile flow through?”
Graham: “Asia.”
TV name of the week. The Production Runner on Lord Lucan: My Husband, The Truth was Guy Hide.
Although the programme seemed to suggest guy threw himself off the side of a ferry.
FILTH Corner. Rowing, the brilliant James Cracknell: “A length in the ladies, you’re in serious trouble. A length in a single and you can make that up quickly. It’s not where she’d like to be . . . ”
But flowers, chocolates, a weekend at Cowley Manor, she'll soon come round
TV Gold
Channel 4’s heartbreaking and award-worthy Catching A Killer. ITV’s Lord Lucan: My Husband, The Truth.
Daliso Chaponda’s semi final-winning Britain’s Got Talent line on progress: “I’m black – 200 years ago this would’ve been an auction.”
And The One Show’s beautiful tribute to John Noakes, featuring the astonishing health and safety-free footage of Blue Peter’s greatest ever presenter laddering his way up Nelson’s Column, while his friend Peter Purves remembered: “An unforgettable piece of television and an unforgettable character.”
TV name of the week. The Production Runner on Lord Lucan: My Husband, The Truth was Guy Hide. Although the programme seemed to suggest guy threw himself off the side of a ferry.
Random TV irritations
Coronation Street horribly overdoing the trauma in Soap Awards week. Sports commentators who think talking about a player’s “lack of game time” makes them sound all American and dynamic.
Britain’s Got Talent choir Angelicus Celtis changing the words to Jerusalem. Frightened- rabbit presenter Gillian Burke killing the Springwatch vibe. And Iolo Williams “travelling to Scotland to meet the most Bolshy bird in Britain”. ’Cos I can’t fault his instincts but I know at least 250 Scottish birds who make the capercaillie look like Orville the duck.
MEDICAL mystery of the week.
This Morning, Eamonn Holmes: “I’ve got that S.A.D. thing.”
Salad Avoidance Disorder?
GREAT TV lies and delusions.
Great sporting insight
Kevin Kilbane: “The captain knew they needed a rock up the backside.”
Paul Merson: “The ball from the left on the right was perfect.”
Steve Sidwell: “You want your penalty taker to be cool, calm and collective.”
Paul Merson: “In the last four games West Brom had four defeats and a 0-0 draw.”