Dud camel, dead cat, dull chat… it’s clearly already time ITV’s The Nightly Show called it a nightly
THE perfect week for ITV’s This Morning to launch its insomnia workshop, with Professor Jason Ellis who was full of perfectly sound advice for the wide-awake club.
Caffeine regulation, sleep hygiene, sensible eating patterns. That sort of thing.
“But if you could give just two or three tips, to somebody who’s not going to be able to sleep tonight,” host Phillip Schofield began, “What would they be?”
The. Nightly. Show.
This is a brand new five-nights-a-week sedative created by ITV network boss Kevin Lygo, who’s clearly seen James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke with Lady Gaga and thought: “I wanna a bit of that.”
And yes, there was an issue with the fact he didn’t have James Corden, Lady Gaga, or even the car, but had Lygo cleared the appropriate 12:30am slot for The Nightly Show, he might just have got away with this eyeball-rattling brain fart.
That would’ve been too simple and involved no ego trip, though.
So instead ITV’s Director of Television boldly plonked it down in the one universally admired part of the channel’s schedule and gave it the sacred News At Ten berth.
The full, contrary madness of this decision became clear — even before the first episode was broadcast — when it was revealed the show’s guests, which included Martin Clunes and The Voice judges, had been picked to try to promote ITV and cast it in as favourable a light as possible.
Still, it might just have forgiven and forgotten if the first week of The Nightly Show, hosted by David Walliams, had been any good.
Oh sweet Lord it wasn’t, though.
Not by any systems of weights and measures.
Punchlines could be heard thundering in from the next postcode, strands fell flat, interviews went nowhere, all the comedy was unintentional and a jokey audience question about how many cats it would take to kill Kim Cattrall was greeted with her deathly response: “I’ve just lost mine.”
Not a show that enjoys the best of luck then, as was confirmed on Wednesday when the by-now desperate production team took the so-called “Blue Peter gamble”.
This involved dragging a reluctant camel called Abdul into the studio with the express hope, I think, that he’d p**s all over the studio floor and create a viral.
Would Abdul oblige?
Not even if The Nightly Show was on fire.
The fact it was this bad, of course, shouldn’t really surprise anyone who’s actually watched the likes of Jimmy Kimmel regularly, rather than assumed American chat shows are brilliant on the basis of a few good clips and their own inferiority complex.
’Cos I’ve seen a lot and they’re hit-and-miss affairs.
What was a slight surprise about TNS, though, was David Walliams who was getting paid £50,000 an episode but, to borrow the description of Lieutenant Hauk’s presenting skills on Good Morning Vietnam, “sucked the sweat off a dead man’s balls”.
For here we had a chat show host incapable of feigning interest in any of his guests who, as far as he was clearly concerned, just got in the way of his own camp showing off.
Himself aside, Walliams’ greatest pleasure is clearly the misfortune of others.
So he could hardly disguise his glee at passing this telly hand grenade on to John Bishop who looked like he’d just seen a shadow on his own X-ray but was trying to make the best of things.
“Do you want to be made miserable at ten o’clock?” he asked, rather forlornly. “Or do you want a laugh?”
And if that isn’t a rallying call for the relative hilarity of Robert Peston’s budget round up, I dunno what is, frankly. (ITV News, 10:30pm).
FANTASTIC news from Friday’s The Last Leg where, to huge applause, showboating, left-wing American comedian Rob Delaney (Estimated net worth £2.76 million) announced wealthy London residents should fund the NHS by paying extra tax.
Which is a fantastic gesture, obviously.
But how much exactly are you planning to volunteer, Rob?
. . . ROB?
- GREAT TV Lies and Delusions of the Month
Good Morning Britain, professional moaner Jess Phillips MP: “I’m not going to moan just for the sake of moaning.”
Celebrity Sex Pod: “Thanks Chloe (Ferry), your mum would be very proud of you.”
And The Nightly Show, John Bishop: “I think this show is something that could become a mainstay.”
(Channel 5, ten years’ time, The 50 Worst TV Shows of the Oneties (Rpt))
Stuffy noses blow it
IN terms of crimes against comedy, will there ever be an offender as witless, persistent, unapologetic and smug as the Red Nose gang?
No. Course there won’t.
Take Let’s Dance For Comic Relief, for instance, which ran out of routines to lampoon, after five series, in 2013.
Rather than admit the jig was up, however, it returned, on Saturday, as Let’s Sing & Dance For Comic Relief alongside new hosts Mel & Sue, who showed their grasp of the target audience with a joke about Cubist art.
The rest, sadly, was unchanged.
Five all-singing, all-dancing contestants, ranging from the terminally anonymous Harriet Thorpe to the monstrously familiar Russell Grant, who was trussed up as Diana Ross for the evening.
In keeping with Comic Relief tradition, of course, none of the acts were remotely funny.
So I’m going to treasure the burst of false modesty Sue Perkins used to introduce the final contestant and the short but glorious silence that followed.
“It’s Sara Pascoe, the girl who makes comedy look so much fun I almost want to have a go myself . . . ”
And why not. You’ve tried everything else.
- TV GOLD
Ant & Dec’s Takeaway showing BBC1’s Mel & Sue exactly how Saturday night light entertainment should be presented.
Broadchurch III gripping from the very first scene. Harry Hill’s return to form with his Alien Fun Capsule, co-written by TalkSport’s resident genius, Paul Hawksbee.
Bob the street cat rendering Piers Morgan completely silent for an historic 1 minute and 27.37 seconds of Good Morning Britain.
And Rob Beckett’s series-saving commentary on Celebs Go Dating: “Ferne and Melody want to get in touch with their inner beings and have booked a spiritualist to visit and cleanse their relationship chakras . . . or some old s*** like that.”
- GREAT Sporting Insights
Gary Neville: “When he strikes the ball, both feet are off the air.”
Gary Lineker: “It was a real six-pointer and Palace got the three points.”
Neil Warnock: “If the players don’t work they’ll hear my tongue.”
And Eddie Jones: “If that’s rugby, I’d rather pick up my stumps and go home.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray).
Bounty: Taste of parasite
CHANNEL 4 has attempted to recreate Captain Bligh’s heroic 4,000-mile flit from The Bounty with a bunch of civilians and fairly mixed results, judging by it's first episode.
It’s called Mutiny, appropriately enough, and the central skipper’s role here has been occupied by Ant “Bligh” Middleton, the Special Forces version of Antony Worrall Thompson, who was the break-out star from C4’s brilliant SAS: Who Dares Wins series.
The most important bit of casting, however, was the Fletcher Christian part which some callous production sods have filled with a Liverpudlian man-child called Chris who’s forever claiming: “I’m not diccccching around,” even though he’s ALWAYS “diccccching around” and will, if he carries on like this, have been eaten, by the other men, weeks before they hit Papua New Guinea.
As long as Chris was creating havoc on screen, though, I was reasonably engaged.
The rest of the time, Mutiny’s little wooden boat just seemed to bob around aimlessly, in the dark, while crew members chucked their guts up and Sam the cameraman observed: “Your face is only ever two feet max from another man’s bottom.”
Or was that Susanna Reid talking about co-hosting Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan? I forget.
Anyway, find out for yourselves, Channel 4, Monday, 9pm.
MOST READ IN OPINION
Lookalikes
THIS week’s £69 winner is Jeremy Corbyn and old man Steptoe.
Sent in by Kevin Trevana.
Picture research by Amy Reading.
No flattering entries or previous winners, please.
- RANDOM TV Irritations
EastEnders’ continuing to believe men are obsessed with poker.
Olivia Colman’s occasionally yokel accent on Broadchurch.
Those three gits from The Nightly Show’s Amazon Echo promos (F*** off, Alexa).
ITV’s Prime Suspect 1973 turning out to be Men Are From Life On Mars, Women Are From The Bill.
And Good Morning Britain’s Piers Morgan actually having enough brass neck to accuse Oscars fall guy Brian Cullinan of being too distracted by Twitter and celebrities.
Just a little self-knowledge, occasionally, Chunk. It would be a wonderful thing.
- QUIZ Show Imbeciles of the Week
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “In 1962 John Glenn became the first American to orbit which planet in the solar system?”
Leighton: “The moon.”
Ben Shephard: “Which musical instrument is played by a tambourinist?”
Ellie: “Percussion.”
Ben Shephard: “The Trump Tower skyscraper in New York City was developed by which American businessman?”
Steve: “Pass.”