I see nothing wrong with Boris’ clothes, after all they’re only there to keep you warm and cover your genitals

I HAD to wear a tie this week and I didn’t know where it was.

I knew I had one somewhere and rummaged about in various cupboards for about an hour until I found it, in a drawer with a book about Shakespeare and a pencil case and all of the other things you shouldn’t ever need to use once you’ve left school.

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The first time I tried to put it on, I ended up with the long bit hanging down between my knees.

So I tried again and ended up with a big knot and no dangly bits at all.

But eventually, after about six hours, it was roughly the right length.

Then I had to do up my top button.

This is something I haven’t done since 1978 and my God, it’s uncomfortable.

Maybe this is why politicians and RBS bankers are always so useless.

It’s hard to concentrate on what you’re doing when you are being strangled by your own clothing.

All of which brings me on to Boris Johnson.

This week he decided for reasons known only to himself to do something called “jogging”.

Clothing has only two roles... it keeps you warm when it’s cold and it prevents people from seeing your genitals

This meant he went out in public wearing a pair of training shoes, some swimming trunks, a furry fleece and, on his head, a tea cosy.

Naturally, this caused all of the nation’s self-appointed style gurus to run about, waving their arms in the air saying that Britain’s Foreign Secretary should have known better.

Really? Because so far as I can tell, clothing has only two roles.

It keeps you warm when it’s cold and it prevents people from seeing your genitals.

The idea that it can be in some way stylish is merely an invention to keep stupid people occupied.

And sweat shops in Vietnam busy.

I therefore see nothing wrong with Boris’ ensemble.

He was wearing a coat and a tea cosy to keep Storm Doris at bay and he was wearing swimming trunks so that we could not see his penis.

Boris is always being criticised for his clothing.

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His suits, we are told, are always too crumpled and his ties too long.

But instead, I find myself wondering what sort of idiotic convention forces people to go to work with a matching jacket and trousers, and with a bit of silk tied round their necks.

It makes no sense at all and I applaud Boris for deliberately getting it wrong.

However, I really do question the intelligence of a man who wakes up in the morning and thinks: “I’ll go jogging.”

According to the Collins dictionary I found in the drawer that had housed my tie, “jogging” means “to run at a leisurely or slow pace”.

And what is the point of that?

Running is something you do if you are in a hurry.

You run if you are trying to catch a bus or if you are being chased by a bear.

And why would you want to do that slowly?

Anyone who thinks that it’s sensible to run at walking pace is plainly daft and therefore cannot be our Foreign Secretary, no matter how well he is dressed.

KEEPING FAITH WITH JC

FOLLOWING a disastrous showing for Labour in the Copeland by-election, many party members are starting to say Jeremy Corbyn should be ousted as leader as soon as possible.

This is ridiculous.

He is the saviour of Britain, the maypole around which the foolish and the weak can congregate.

In many ways he is the Messiah. He even has the same initials.

Let’s not forget, people, that single-handedly he is keeping the lunatics at bay and it’s vital for the nation’s future prosperity that he keeps his job for as long as is humanly possible.

Who's loudest... actually it's the smoke alarm

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I DECIDED to cook a couple of lamb chops this week.

Predictably, within a couple of minutes, the smoke alarm in my flat began to sing its hysterical song and I was on the kitchen table flapping around with a tea towel, trying to cool the damn thing down.

In the flat underneath, the young couple could be heard screaming as blood spurted out of their ears and, outside, squirrels were falling from their nests in the trees having been totally disorientated by the cacophony.

Over the years, I have witnessed Nasa testing one of the space shuttle’s engines. That was very loud.

I’ve also seen The Who. That was enormous too.

But nothing – nothing – is quite so deafening as a smoke alarm.

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However, researchers at Dundee University have found that children simply don’t hear them.

They set off alarms in the homes of 34 sleeping kids and a staggering 27 failed to wake up.

It’s hard to know what can be done about this.

Certainly, they can’t be made any louder. That would be impossible.

So maybe we should change the noise they make.

Instead of screeching, maybe they could play a medley of 1980s power ballads.

In my experience, the sound of Cutting Crew doing I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight is guaranteed to drive any child out of the house, no matter how drunk or deeply asleep they may be at the time.

Which will prevent the need for a cutting crew of a different kind having to attend the scene.

— SO, after much debate, the BBC has decided to launch a whole new channel that will be made by Scottish people for Scottish people.

This means that some of my licence fee is being spent on a raft of programmes designed specifically for someone else.

And that’s fine. Providing I can have a channel for Chipping Norton.

Burning through eco cash

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FIRST, they told us that for the sake of the environment, we must all buy cars that run on diesel rather than petrol.

And then, when we’d all done that, they announced that actually, petrol is better.

Now comes news that having paid £450million in subsidies to convert the furnaces in Britain’s biggest power station from burning coal to wood pellets shipped over from America, experts have realised that actually, coal would have produced fewer emissions.

When will we all realise that everything ever said by an environmentalist is muddle-headed, politically motivated and wrong?

NOW PAY FOR DELAY

AS we know, airlines are forced to compensate passengers if the flight is delayed for more than a few hours.

So why don’t we impose a similar rule on the nation’s Highway Wombles.

If it can be proved they’ve shut a road unnecessarily or that they’ve failed to clear an obstruction quickly, then they must hand over £10 of their own money to everyone who’s stuck in the resultant jam.

— I DO find it quite strange that hardcore feminists are still gnashing their teeth about inequality in Britain where the Head of State, the Prime Minister, the Home Secretary and the three most senior police people are all women.

It seems to me that continuing to campaign for better opportunities for women is like Ukip continuing to campaign for Brexit.

The job’s done.

— IT must be annoying.

To take a team that’s largely hopeless and with no fans and turn it into a world-famous brand.

You work every hour God sends, you plan, you scheme and then, after a couple of mistakes, you get sacked.

Meanwhile, in Leicester...