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JEREMY CLARKSON
Scientists worked out that a dog can dramatically reduce stress & anxiety… have these boffins ever actually owned one?
Dogs are tremendous and bring you an enormous amount of happiness... but they are also a constant worry
THESE are stressful times. There’s a new political party which is going to put a bomb under the established order of things.
There are two wars going on. A man with an annoying voice is reporting thousands of motorists to the police for making cheeky right turns.
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And everyone has got their knickers in a twist because a girl in Windsor has Photoshopped a Mother’s Day card.
Plus, every road is full of potholes, every airport is full of queues, every river is full of turds and every hospital is full — mostly of management teams on diversity courses.
But fear not, because scientists in South Korea have worked out that everything can be solved if you get a dog.
They’ve done tests and worked out that spending quality time with a pooch will dramatically reduce your stress and anxiety, while at the same time enabling you to concentrate on things more clearly.
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On the face of it, they have a point. As I write, my fox red labradors are sitting by my side, staring at me with their big doleful eyes and it’s very comforting.
Right up to the point when I remember that one of them is on heat, and therefore making a mess on the carpet. And there’s more.
Every day, I take them for a walk and at this time of year what could be more uplifting than that? All those buds on the trees and the big clumps of crocuses and daffodils. It’s so peaceful.
Until one of the dogs finds a deer. Then it isn’t peaceful at all any more because I’m standing there knowing exactly what Fenton’s owner was going through.
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Other things? Well, I spend an hour a day clearing up dog eggs from the yard, and another hour trying to stop my dogs fighting with others that, for no apparent reason, they’ve decided they don’t like.
And that’s before they roll in a mound of fox poo. Or turn up in the sitting room at night and sit there farting.
A German Shepherd-Husky named Blue has made three unlikely friends in the way of three Owls - Blue enjoys being at home and going out on walks with his feathery friends
I heard this week of a man who lost his labrador. Which was very unrelaxing.
It was eventually found by a shepherd, in a badger hole, having spent three days being attacked by the black-and-white bastards who needed to get past the poor mutt so they could kill some more hedgehogs.
That wasn’t relaxing either. And nor was the £3,500 vet bill.
Dogs, then, are like children. They are tremendous and bring you an enormous amount of happiness. But they are also a constant worry.
And sometimes, the only way to really relax is to read in the papers about the doctored photos and the wars and how the NHS doesn’t work any more.
Porn cave-in shame
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I’VE been laughing my socks off this week about a film director and artist called Leonie Rae Gasson, who wanted to make a lesbian porn film in Scotland.
Obviously, she needed funding for the project and that was likely to be tricky. Because not even the Scottish Government is daft enough to say “yes” to financing a bout of explicit on-screen sapphism.
So Ms Gasson came up with a cunning plan and instead of describing her film as porn, said it was “an exploration of dyke sexuality”. And then for a bit more wokery, she claimed it would be “a magical, erotic journey through the Scottish countryside”.
This did the trick. The Scottish Government immediately handed over £84,555.
They probably thought that the movie would do for Scotland what Emmanuelle did for Thailand.
But this week they realised it would be nothing more than three sex workers going at it in a cave, and the funding has been withdrawn. Boo.
Crufts demo is daft
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WHEN I first heard that there’d been a noisy protest at the dog fest that is Crufts, I assumed it was someone from Just Stop Oil.
But I think this lot were busy slashing oil paintings in Cambridge.
Or was that the pro-Hamas mob?
It’s all very confusing these days so I did some checking, and it turns out the protesters at Crufts were actually people from a group called Peta, whose aim is to stop people wearing fur coats.
To be clear, I sort of see where they’re coming from. Killing an animal and throwing away the innards so you can use its skin to stay warm (and look like a drug dealer) is a bit bonkers.
But who does that with a dog? Bears yes, and minks and seals. But no one goes around in a coat made from a spaniel.
And if they did, it’s only right and proper that the animal enthusiasts in Peta should throw some paint at them. But no one was wearing dog at Crufts.
They were just there to see some very pampered and healthy pooches taking part in a competition to see which one looked most like its owner.
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ONCE again, American law-makers are trying to ban TikTok from the US, saying it’s a Chinese mind weapon.
Is it though, really? All I get on my feed are clips of Louis CK, the speeches of Ronald Reagan, and various young farmer girls dancing to tunes while milking their cows.
And none of these things cause me to want an MG or a chow mein.
Historic day for court case Katie
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KATIE PRICE, aka Jordan, was not in court on Tuesday, charged with driving too fast, or while uninsured.
Historians say they can’t actually remember the last time this happened.
Fuel the petrol rumour
WE were told this week that electric cars don’t travel as far on a single charge as their makers would have us believe.
And in other amazing news, we have learned that vegan sausages don’t taste as good as sausages made from pork, that microwaved baked potatoes aren’t as good as those cooked in an oven and that just because someone Photoshops a family photograph, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve been replaced by a space alien.
We’ve known since day one that while these electric cars can do 100 miles on a charge, they usually won’t.
Unless it’s a warm day, you accelerate very slowly and you never do more than 28 mph. If you drive normally, you’ll probably do 66 miles.
And then, if you can find a charging station that isn’t broken, and which is suitable for your particular car, you’ll have to wait for 17 hours as everyone in front of you in the queue has a four-course meal while waiting for their cars to charge up.
Petrol. It’s the future.
Drizzle tricks
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IT hasn’t really stopped raining since early December and, like you, I’m bored with it.
Which is why I’ve been thinking about where to go this summer for a holiday. Well, here’s a tip.
According to people who know (Gerald), we get roughly the same amount of rain every year.
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And as we’ve had this year’s allocation already, it’s likely that the summer will be hot and dry.
So if it’s rays you want, and a bit of a tan, you might want to think about staying at home.
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