So why do drug dealers leave beautiful Albania? Because it’s easy money in soft-on-crime Britain

SENTENCING Albanian drug dealer Erijon Melani to 20 months in prison for cocaine supply, Judge Ian Lawrie made the following observation.

“I have been to your country three times in the past 40 years. It is a very beautiful country,” he said.

“I know it’s got its problems — but there are fewer problems than when I last visited it.

“It’s a stunning country with stunning people — and the food was good — so why on earth you want to come here I do not understand.”

All together now: Because he and the two other Albanian drug dealers who faced Judge Lawrie that day in separate cases in Cheltenham can make easy money here selling drugs and know that even if they get caught, they’ll be out in a few months to pick up right where they left off.

I have no idea how Melani et al reached the shores of the UK but if it was in a small boat across the Channel, then they might have been prime candidates for the Government’s repeatedly thwarted scheme to pack them off to Rwanda for processing.

So, having just returned from a trip to the “land of a thousand hills”, as the East African republic is known, I would like to echo Judge Lawrie’s lament — but with a slight twist.

Why on earth would such a beautiful, verdant country like Rwanda — with virtually no crime, friendly, hard-working people and roads so clean you could eat the national dish of tasty brochettes off them — want to take the risk of criminals like Melani being sent there?

The answer, of course, is that since the horrific genocide of 1994, the now-stable country has struggled to recover economically, and with more than 90 per cent of its population earning a livelihood from producing food crops, the lure of the UK’s millions to invest in infrastructure is sorely tempting.

But, if it ever happens, what will be the ultimate cost to Rwanda?

“Everyone here is hard-working,” our guide Robert told us as we drove through the stunning countryside.

He pointed to a middle-aged woman sweeping leaves from the side of the immaculate road.

“She’s a widow of the genocide.

“She and the others are paid by the Rwandan government to keep the roads clean, and it’s a job they take great pride in.”

In the early mornings we saw hordes of immaculately smart, always smiling schoolchildren walking to their local school and, after drop off, their parents would then walk back again to start a day’s work on their crops.

“We live simple lives, but we are happy,” said Robert, who was just 13 when the genocide happened.

“Everyone has a desire to work and there’s very little crime.”

So if the Rwanda scheme ever gets off the ground, will everyone sent there integrate well, adopt the same hard-working ethos and live safe, happy lives?

Or will some bring with them the criminal behaviour now overburdening the UK courts?

In the West, we boast about being progressive, but not all our “ways” are as civilised or as useful as we think they are — as expertly parodied in the 1980 cult comedy film The Gods Must Be Crazy, when the coveting of a discarded cola bottle in the African bush causes division and upset among villagers who had hitherto lived in harmony.

So while those trying to scupper the Rwanda plan are doing so because they think it is the wrong place to deport the illegal migrants entering the UK in record numbers, I would humbly suggest that beautiful Rwanda has far more to lose if it ever goes ahead.

THE future queen of Belgium is reportedly dating an ordinary lad from Rochdale.

Crown Princess Elisabeth met Nick Dodd at Oxford University and the Belgian media is now suggesting that their relationship “transcends friendship”. Oooer.

Nick’s family have played down the rumour, but if true, they should brace themselves for the insinuation that they deliberately engineered their son’s admittance to the same course with this precise aim in mind.

An accusation that has been levelled, wrongly, at poor Carole Middleton for years.

Lottie fish jabs potty

KATE MOSS’S half-sister Lottie has reportedly been having “salmon facials” to ensure she looks her best for London Fashion Week.

For the blissfully unaware, this involves injecting the fish’s DNA into your face for a “more youthful complexion”.

For the record, Lottie is just 26.

By the time she gets to my age, she’ll need the DNA of a whale shark.

Bot’s love got to do with it?

ARTIFICIAL Intelligence has its uses but a troubling, er, growth area is sexbots.

Apparently, millions worldwide (mostly men, natch) are downloading “girlfriend” avatars they can choose to be “caring or confident”, pick her outfits (kitten ears, anyone?) and even opt for a Hollywood A-list doppleganger.

All for a monthly subscription fee.

Data scientist Liberty Vittert reckons it’s “ruining an entire generation of men”.

Catfishing was bad enough.

But at least Joe Schmoe from Kokomo thought he was online chatting to a real Angelina Jolie lookalike when, in fact, it was a Nigeria-based scammer trying to steal all his money.

But now, subscribers know from the outset that they’re talking to the online version of a shop dummy.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

Royal job for Biggins

WITH Prince Andrew in purdah, the Princess of Wales resting after major abdominal surgery and King Charles undergoing cancer treatment, The Firm’s working roster is looking as thin as Prince Harry’s balding pate.

Even with Princess Anne working like a pit pony, there are only so many community centre openings she can do in one day.

So . . . you know how every Costa Coffee is run via a franchise scheme?

Well, why not “royal” visits too?

After all, the line between the monarchy and celebrity has become increasingly blurred since the death of the inscrutable “never complain, never explain” Queen Elizabeth II and, thanks to Prince Harry’s memoir Spare Us, I feel I know more about the Windsors than my own family.

So I’m sure the residents of Sunny Pines care home would be happy to forgo a “royal” visit in favour of spending a fun-filled afternoon with the irrepressibly jolly Christopher Biggins, instead.

In return, Biggins would get a taxpayer-funded, chauffeur-driven limo there and back, some nice home-made sandwiches with the crusts cut off, a nominal fee and a captive audience who’d adore him. Trust me, he’d love it.

The opening of a sports centre? Gazza would go down a storm with the locals.

A tree planting ceremony? Alan Titchmarsh would be a shoo-in. And as for naming ships, well, retired pirate Johnny Depp isn’t doing much else these days.

All of which would leave overworked Prince William to do the important stuff like entertaining the King of Tonga over high tea at Buck House.

Where do I send the invoice?

Cheer cycle cops

IN the grand scheme of things, bike theft might not seem like the most urgent of crimes.

But it matters to the owner who spent their hard-earned cash to buy it and uses it to get around.

And when you take into account that the thief is probably stealing it to fund a drug habit and being paid to do so by a gang who can’t be bothered to get a proper job, then it all adds up.

So three cheers to DC Matt Cooper and his team at City of London police who caught the gang responsible for around £130,000 worth of bike thefts in the Square Mile and put them in jail.

How did they do it? They bought a high-performance bike, put a tracker on it and left it locked up one morning in an area with lots of CCTV.

By 2.30pm it had been stolen, they tracked it to a warehouse and, by 3.12pm, the masterminds of the vast theft operation were under arrest. Simples.

After the arrests, bike thefts in the area dropped by an incredible 90 per cent.

The thieves were heroin and crack addicts after cash for their next fix and the masterminds were making a mint selling the high-end models on eBay etc for a fraction of their original cost to people who were either too thick to realise they were part of the problem or just didn’t care.

Cycling UK suggests that, taking in unreported thefts too, around 237,000 bikes were stolen in England and Wales last year.

In many areas, bike theft has been virtually decriminalised, so let’s hope this spot of good old-fashioned policing will inspire other forces to do the same, and perhaps extend it to car thefts, too?

It would help the police to restore some much-needed faith among the law-abiding who feel abandoned.