Clichéd and pointless…Gary Barlow’s new show refuses to Shine
The contestants have as much future in a boyband as Lord Heseltine has in The Wu-Tang Clan
ITV’S 11-month karaoke marathon resumed at the weekend with promising call centre worker Jason Jones.
He’s had “a good response” whenever he’s sung in pubs but his ultimate goal is: “To represent the UK doing what I do.”
The Eurovision Call Centre Contest? Well, it’s probably one for BBC3, in August.
Until then we’re lumbered with The Voice UK which has transferred from BBC1 to ITV and, a bit to my surprise, seems to have benefited from the switch.
This is partly down to the adverts, a couple of good new panellists, Jennifer Hudson and Gavin Rossdale, and the fact they’ve eliminated all those hideous bursts of self-flagellation when the judges would tell singers: “I’m an idiot for not turning.”
The biggest thing in its favour, though, are the 85 merciless minutes of light entertainment BBC1 has put up as its opposition.
This is Let It Shine or, as one Sun reader’s succinct Saturday night email put it: “Let It S***e.”
Television to clip your toenails to, hosted by Graham Norton and featuring the wrong Kemp (Martin), the wrong Minogue (Dannii), guest judge Amber Riley, Mel Giedroyc and Take That’s Howard Donald, who has some non-specific loitering role with Mark Owen.
His perma-smirk tells you, however, the real boss of this enterprise is head judge Gary Barlow whose job it is to create five new stars for a boyband musical based on Take That’s songs.
First, though, he had a song and dance number to get off his chest.
“In the beginning there was silence,” it began, promisingly enough. “And no-one spoke for endless hours.
“Then one day in his-tory. Someone invented power showers.” If you’re expecting me to tell you it got better from that point, you’re in for a disappointment.
What I will confess, though, is that I’d dismissed Let It Shine weeks before transmission when Barlow said it wouldn’t be one of those: “Nasty talent shows.”
That is to say, it would be one of those talent shows where they lie, flatter, spout “WOW” cliches and lead contestants up the garden path.
This must have sounded lovely in the planning meeting, of course, but less convincing when they were confronted by “the talent,” who, generally speaking, have as much future in a boyband as Lord Heseltine has in The Wu-Tang Clan.
One turned up for the biggest gig of his life in tracky bottoms, another looked and sounded like he’d wandered into an audition for a regional tour of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and a tuneless trainee fireman called Jamie was told he must “bang down doors,” strap on his breathing apparatus, clamber up a ladder and rescue a cat. Just don’t sing, Jamie, please.
‘Cos it’s not happening.
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That wasn’t what he heard, obviously. In fact, everyone left that stage with the idea they were “great,” “good” or “amazing.”
This didn’t just create false expectations for the contestants, it left the judges with nowhere to go when they were confronted by Jason Brock who was genuinely amazing. Less amazing was Jason’s job.
He’s a West End pro singer, starring in Thriller Live. So, if we ignore the issue that the BBC is mainly helping to line Gary Barlow’s pockets here, this could lead to some of you asking: “What exactly is the public-serving point of a show, where the prize is a job in a West End show, when the best contestant is already working in a West End show?”
. . . Yeah, well don’t look at me for an answer. I didn’t commission Let It Shine. I just have to watch the damn thing.
Random TV irritations
• Good Morning Britain starting the health and safety nags just 36.23 seconds into its 2017 reappearance.
• BBC1 atrocity Let It Shine moving at Southern Rail pace.
• The Halcyon managing to shoot Kara Tointon’s bottom slightly out of focus.
• Barmy, biased EastEnders seriously belie-ving a Cockney landlord would contem-plate having an EU-themed supper club.
• And The Voice judge Sir Tom Jones making the idiotic and unchallenged claim that building sites treated him better than the BBC.
• Though if there are any builders out there earning £500,000 for sitting on their fat arses, pushing a red button, I’ll happily withdraw the complaint.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
Celebrity Big Brother, Jamie O’Hara: “People have a massively wrong perception of me.” (No perception of you).
The Last Leg, Adam Hills: “I’m not being overly politically correct but . . . ”
And Dance Dance Dance, Alesha Dixon: “The good news is everyone returns to dance again next week.”
The bad news is life is futile and we’re all going to die.
RE: BBC1’s Shine A Light. Can anyone explain why it’s almost compulsory for female audience members to wolf whistle firemen, yet if blokes did the same to, say, a female nurse, the Beeb, Guardian columnists, Huffington Post parasites and every other professionally outraged tosspot in the country would want them arrested?
Hope it's the last waltz
Vague feelings of déjà vu on Channel 5 last week, as housemate three introduced herself with a cheery: “Hello, my name is Jasmine Waltz. You might know me from being a Hollywood actress.”
No. “A model.” No. “And you might also know me for being a big slut.”
Ohhhh. THAT Jasmine Waltz.
One third of Lee Ryan’s love triangle in the classic 13th run of Celebrity Big Brother, a tired old franchise where they’re now so lacking in imagination and willing sociopaths that Channel 5’s been forced to fill the place with second-rate re-treads, like Jasmine, Speidi and Coleen Nolan.
This series has neither the wit nor the intention of getting them to do anything other than scream more abuse at each other.
So unless you’re fascinated with the incidental details surrounding Whitney Houston’s death, the only actual entertainment thus far has been provided by Marcus Bentley’s biographical details.
“Bianca (Gascoigne) once had to go to hospital ’cos she accidentally glued her eyes shut.”
“James (Jordan) lived in a caravan for four years.”
“And Coleen’s middle finger is mostly made of metal after a horse-riding accident.”
Just as the horse’s back is mostly made of reinforced steel after being ridden by Coleen Nolan, I shouldn’t wonder. Put them all out of their misery, please.
Sauna's hole lot of fun
By the length of the Attercliffe Road, the week’s best television show was Channel 4’s second instalment of A Very British Brothel.
A dark, funny, sad and touching documentary about Sheffield’s City Sauna massage parlour, which won me over the moment the cameras took a look round the waiting room and deadpan madam Kath sighed: “The girls here, they aren’t like Julia Roberts.”
No, they’re not. In fact, Alf Roberts would be nearer the mark.
But “juicy jugs Jo” and the rest of the women were admirably devoid of any self-pity and had better timing and material than 95 per cent of television comedians.
There was a brilliant synergy to the adverts as well.
So no sooner had Martin, the brothel’s odd job man, come to “upgrade customer facilities”/drill two glory holes, than Channel 4 was flipping to an advert for Homebase.
However, the detail that may have finished viewers off, so to speak, was Kath’s “business expansion plan”, which involved a motor home, lorry drivers and the most perfect turn of phrase ever.
“I’ve used me life savings, so I’ve got a lot riding on it.”
Part three cannot come soon enough.
On Wednesday’s This Morning, Russell Grant read Davina McCall’s astrological chart for 2017: “It’s Libra’s year. It’s all linked to the planet Jupiter.
He takes 12 years to go through all the signs and he’s in Libra until October 10, which is delectable.
So you can do whatever you want, something you’ve craved, anything you’ve been thinking of doing. Take a chance.”
Or you could just bellow your t*ts off on The Jump and release another fitness DVD.
’Cos, to be honest, Jupiter’s got f*** all to do with it, Russell didn’t add.
Lookalikes
TV Gold
A Very British Brothel’s odd job man discovering: “There’s damp in the gentlemen’s lounge.”
Jason Brock actually singing in tune on Let It Shine.
Channel 5 giving World’s Strongest Man the Christmas love it deserves.
Jeff Stelling remaining the only football anchor worth watching.
And Jeremy Kyle starting the year as he’ll hopefully continue, with the caption: “I didn’t offer you sex, but you did kill my fish.”
But isn’t that always the way, hey.
Great Sporting Insights
Ray Wilkins: “In the transfer window it’s important Rangers sign a human being.”
Paul Ince: “When the game started I was quite positive it was going to be a game.”
Bryn Law: “Leeds have ended the first half by scoring early in the second half.”
And Ray Parlour: “If I was going out this is the sort of game I’d watch indoors.”
NOTE: The competition to find the best supporters’ banner of the year is officially null and void, thanks to this offering from Eurosport’s ski-jumping coverage, lovingly crafted in the German’s national colours.
Though don’t think I didn’t appreciate all those touching images of Glasgow Rangers fans spelling out the legend: “Going for 55.” Bless.