There’s a lot to dislike about The Traitors – it’s in a class of its own for ego and pomposity
FIRST of The Traitors to rear their head this year was Sonja with the most ill-advised words any TV contestant can choose.
“I don’t really have an off switch. You either like it,” she said, leaving the sort of gap I’d normally just fill with a click, “Or you don’t.”
This column, though, is nothing if not market-driven and I’m painfully aware over three million viewers have got a throb on for The Traitors.
So I’ve kept watching the current BBC1 run just as I watched every episode of the first series, without falling for its charms or being able to remember a single thing about the show beyond the basics.
To recap, then, Claudia Winkleman hosts a glorified game of blink murder set to the soundtrack from hell.
It’s a 12-episode process that involves 18 Faithfuls trying to unmask four “murderous” Traitors, who are competing for “up to £120,000” and aren’t quite as full of themselves as Big Brother housemates but aren’t a million miles away either.
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Dachshund’s ar*e
Aside from Sonja, who’s already been banished, the most noteworthy contestants include: Fearsome Diane, from Northern Ireland, tactless Zack, egomaniac Aubrey, who reckoned “everyone’s going to love me”, just before he was murdered, and Miles, one of two veterinary nurses, who said: “Our job is not as glamorous as one might think.”
A hell of a claim given glamorous is not an adjective I’d have ever associated with shoving your hand up a dachshund’s ar*e.
The structural weakness here, though, is that it’s the strong personalities who tend to get voted off first, which is a pity as the contestants are one of only two things I like about The Traitors.
The other is the sublime Highland setting of Ardross Castle, which I cannot help but notice has a snooker room decorated in the ancient hunting Ross tartan, partly in honour, I think, of the venue’s great architect Alexander Ross.
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As swayed as I might be in those circumstances, there are a lot more elements I dislike about The Traitors, starting with that soundtrack, which thuds around in the background incessantly before crunching into a strangulated version of Who Can It Be Now by Men At Work, if they’re trying to ID the bad guys, or Cutting Crew’s (I Just) Died In Your Arms when someone’s been murdered.
The Traitors is hardly the only programme cursed by loud, annoying music. It’s an industry-wide problem.
The show’s in a class of its own, however, for ego and pomposity, not just on-screen where it has “epic missions” where others merely have challenges, but also off-screen where I was told, this week, the Press couldn’t be trusted with previews of Wednesday and Thursday’s show due to, “spoilers”.
Must confess here, it’s quite a sobering thing to know there are people who think your life is so compromised and empty you can’t even be privy to a detail you wouldn’t bother reporting after it happened, let alone before.
As a way of turning the media against a show, though, it’s very effective and symptomatic of the lofty arrogance that seems to surround The Traitors, which telly people clearly think has suddenly re-invented the wheel, despite the fact it was copied from Dutch TV’s De Verraders.
I personally blame it for the fact that the Beeb wasted £30million on a reboot of Survivor, another “game of trust”, last year.
I also hold it responsible for Netflix’s foul copycat show The Trust, which makes The Traitors look like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and the appearance of a lame BBC2 spin-off, with Ed Gamble, called Uncloaked, where Wednesday’s special guest was man-of-the-moment Giovanni Pernice, who was actually thrown the question, “What can be genuinely more terrifying than being a serving soldier?”, without either the host or fellow comedian Joel Dommett adding: “Apart from being paired with Amanda Abbington at Strictly’s next Christmas special.”
A huge shame, as that’s one show I would actually pay to watch, trust me.
Toby's first class
ITV’S Mr Bates Vs The Post Office was a scandal built upon an injustice propped up by a helpline message, which probably sealed the show’s triumph for a lot of viewers.
Because we have all been that person raging against the corporate machine, while on hold for hours, as a passive-aggressive recording keeps ordering us to be patient and says: “Thank you for waiting.”
None of us, though, probably has the same obsessive determination to right that wrong as the heroic Alan Bates, who got the performance he deserved from actor Toby Jones, whose awards are, ironically, now in the post.
I’d be lying, however, if I told you I thought there won’t be dramas that are technically better, this year, than Mr Bates Vs The Post Office, where the script never took the subtle route if an obvious one didn’t present itself first.
What I guarantee none of them will match, however, is the emotional and political impact of this production, for the simple reason all of our main channels, with their strict, agenda-driven list of villains and heroes, would much rather spin right-on tales about past grievances than deal with a very real one, that crossed all boundaries, from the here and now.
The BBC is far too lost to the cult of woke to contemplate celebrating someone like Alan Bates, let alone former Tory MP James Arbuthnot, who helped launch the sub-postmasters’ campaign for justice.
Having watched Mr Bates vs The Post Office, though, I’m happy to say, I do now have just the faintest glimmer of hope for ITV.
BBC1, Monday, 8pm, Will My Crime Be Solved?
Unlikely, unless you’ve been misgendered by Joey Barton on the internet.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In classic films, which actor and singer played the title role in the 1953 musical Calamity Jane?”
Charlotte Crosby: “Tom Cruise.”
Celebrity Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “Which English naval captain lost his right arm in 1797 during an attack on the town of Santa Cruz on the island of Tenerife?”
John Whaite: “Captain Hook.”
Romesh: “In British politics, Holyrood is the parliament of which UK nation?”
Russell Watson: “Pakistan.”
And The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “In 1983, Alex Ferguson managed what Scottish club when it won the Uefa Super Cup?”
Marcus: “Celtic.”
Celtic? CELTIC??? Oh, Marcus.
Random TV irritations
EASTENDERS channelling all its loathing for London’s white working class via the rancid character of Eddie Knight.
Pantomime actress Katherine Kelly disrupting Mr Bates Vs The Post Office with the weird Welsh/Indian accent she used to play Angela van den Bogerd.
Joel Dommett burying The Masked Singer’s charms underneath a blizzard of dreadful puns. All of those spoilt, lazy, over-entitled Generation Z drawlers on Channel 4’s Brits Down Under.
And host of Blow Your Mind, Clare Balding, boldly declaring female presenters will never have true equality until they’re allowed to be “average”.
Mission accomplished, Clare.
Great sporting insights
MICHAEL DAWSON: “Arsenal not winning the league had a major impact on them not winning the league.”
Tim Sherwood: “Liverpool and City are the teams that are going to win the league.”
And Tim Sherwood: “Chris obviously wants to dip his water into the managerial merry-go-round.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
AMANDA & Alan’s Italian Job (episode one). Amanda Holden stops at a crematorium to contemplate her sagging legs:
“I see dead people in my knees. Can you see?”
No. But I do have a very disturbing image of Les Dennis there or thereabouts.
AMANDA & Alan’s Italian Job (episode two), Alan: “Have you ever done that thing where you’ve tried to work out what your porn name would be?”
Yes, every summer before Simon Cowell renews her BGT contract.
BEST quiz show answer of the month/year.
The Weakest Link, Romesh: “In sport, the US tennis player who won all four grand slams in the 1990s and an Olympic gold medal is Andre who?”
Vicky Hawkes-worth: “The Giant.”
TV Gold
TOBY JONES doing all the heavy lifting on Mr Bates Vs The Post Office.
Fearless Ricky Gervais kick-starting the anti-woke backlash on Netflix’s Armageddon.
Would I Lie To You’s Lee Mack responding to David Mitchell’s Monster Munch verdict: “It turns delightfully to gunge with a little bit of sucking.” “That’s his profile on match.com.”
And every single gesture, word and “no comment” on Channel 4’s Murder On Camera episode of 24 Hours In Police Custody, which made it the most horribly compelling and brilliant television of the week.
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Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is former CBE holder Paula Vennells, of Post Office infamy, and Where’s Wally?.
Emailed in by Reenie E.