An end to Wagatha saga and Zelensky signing up for Strictly…. Clemmie Moodie gazes into her crystal ball for 2024
AS we say goodbye to another year, here’s hoping you all have a wonderful 2024.
The last 12 months have, of course, been peak-mad, peak-woke and, sadly, peak-warry.
In the words of D:Ream, things, hopefully, can only get better . . . .
But to avoid any nasty surprises, here’s a taster of what next year could likely bring.
Be warned, you read it here first . . .
- PRINCE Harry, having run out of newspapers to sue, takes Horse And Hound magazine to court. Afterwards, he bravely stands on the steps of the High Court, detailing the mental health toll the privacy breach of his dogs, Mamma Mia and Guy, has taken on his family. Mamma Mia and Guy are both awarded damages — an important victory in canine rights the world over.
- THE reunion they all wanted: Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy meet for a frappe in Caffe Nero. By chance, paparazzi capture the moment. A six-part Amazon Prime documentary follows, and the pair happily do a joint interview in Vanity Fair. Wayne and Jamie go for beers.
- HARRY KANE comes out as trans, going by her preferred name of Harriet. She lines up as the Lionesses’ new number nine, forming a formidable striking partnership with Chloe Kelly. The Lionesses enjoy an unbeaten spell.
- VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY wins the war. Missing daily exposure on the global stage, he becomes Strictly’s first big-name signing. But, standing as he does at 5ft 7in, the President of Ukraine is unable to dance with his chosen partner, fellow Ukrainian Nadiya Bychkova. He makes the final. Free from bombing, his Russian rival Putin nips down to London’s Harley Street for more filler, and a nice peel.
- THE new James Bond finally gets cast. He isn’t black, or gay, but uses they/them pronouns and identifies as a cat. They are a useless spy.
- PRINCE William and Kate release an artsy Christmas card. Inspired by the Beckhams, the family of five pose in matching reindeer pyjamas. Louis wears a Rudolph nose and earnestly flicks the V-sign down the barrel of the camera lens.
- KEIR STARMER clarifies his stance on what a woman is. He says an “adult human female can have a small penis under five inches”. Helpfully, he adds that bears don’t defecate in the woods.
- GARY LINEKER quits the BBC, and takes in a football team of refugees. Following a public outcry from fans missing his daily tweets — what’s the point in tweeting when he can’t anta- gonise Aunty? — he wades into Whitehall, joining forces with Nigel Farage and standing for Reform.
- HAVING studiously avoided jail on multiple occasions, justice catches up with Katie Price. She is caught driving around the M25, blindfolded — and serves three months at HMP Bronzefield. She emerges fresh-faced, devoid of Botox, and an award-winning, ghost- written prison memoir follows.
- NEW VAR rules are introduced. The average Premier League game now lasts two days.
- MEGHAN MARKLE makes her long-awaited return to social media. Dispensing with the formalities of boring Instagram, she sets up an OnlyFans account. Her first video sees her and Harry in flagrante delicto, slagging off Camilla as foreplay. The accompanying first interview goes to Piers Morgan.
- THE NHS offers egg-freezing to people born with XY chromosomes. A revolutionary new hormone treatment is rolled out, helping women to grow beards.
READ MORE IN OPINION
TOYING WITH HEALTH
PROVING you absolutely do regress to being a stroppy teen when you go back home for Christmas, it all kicked off this year when my dad clocked me sneakily vaping outside.
A filthy, pathetic habit we can all agree.
Anyway, I was suitably b*llocked during dinner, immediately prompting me to strop off and “cause a scene”.
However, it turns out the seeds were sown as a child – apparently, every Christmas Day, I’d request (and get) a “junior smokers kit” in my stocking.
Most read in The Sun
Imagine the uproar if these things – chocolate cigarettes, cigars and white candy fags – were sold today.
Although, tbf, vapes – with their ridiculous cotton candy and cherry ice flavours – really aren’t that much different. And will surely cause a terrifying health epidemic in the generation of tomorrow.
For all our sakes, let’s ban the things.
A SUN poll revealed 22 per cent of us have watched porn on Christmas Day.
(Because nothing says “Christmas” like a spot of doggy). But really. Who could face it?
After 9,000 calories and wearing a fetching paper hat, absolutely NOTHING could be further from my mind than a spot of rumpy pumpy.
TIME TO VEG OUT
SO, that’s it – Christmas done ’n’ dusted for another 363 days.
Unless you are one of those absolute nutters who goes sea swimming on Boxing Day, I trust you are feeling every bit as fat and sluggish as me.
Dry January and a vegetable that is neither a sprout nor parsnip cannot come soon enough.
COST-of-living crisis? What cost-of living crisis?
Sales shoppers are forecast to spend a whopping £4.7BILLION in the coming days.
Perhaps, finally, the worst really is over.
BARTON CAN JUST REF OFF
CONGRATULATIONS to Rebecca Welch, who became the first female ref to officiate a Premier League game.
What’s most remark-able – besides the fact it shouldn’t be remarkable in 2023 – is that she was treated no differently to a bloke when she took charge of Burnley versus Fulham.
So, chants of “You don’t know what you’re doing” rang around Craven Cottage any time she whipped out a yellow card or made a decision going against the home team. Which is exactly as it should be.
Just a shame she didn’t burst into tears, eh Joey Barton?
HEART FELTZ REPLY
A REVOLT is looming down at Guardian HQ amid concerns the newspaper staff’s return to the office will impact workers’ time to spend with their pets.
Er, what did they do pre-pandemic?
And have they not heard of doggy day care?
Alternatively, may I suggest Vanessa Feltz’s services . . .
Last week, I accidentally sent a WhatsApp to the Talk TV host, breezily asking her to look after my three-year-old miniature Dachshund, Dora, adding “make sure you give her supper as she didn’t eat her breakfast”.
Yep, Dora’s actual daycare woman is also called Vanessa (not Feltz).
Anyway, having realised with horror my error, and apologising profusely, Vanessa [Feltz] sweetly replied: “I will take Dora with pleasure”.
Hero.
WORKING nine to five, what a way to make a living.” So warbled Dolly Parton 43 years ago.
Today, the country star probably wouldn’t have a hit; flexible hours mean millions of us no longer work traditional set hours.
According to a new study, hybrid staff also work one hour a week fewer than office-based employees – aka SFH (shirking from home).
READ MORE SUN STORIES
FERGIE’S return to the front line of the Royal Family is a clear statement of intent from King Charles.
As a supposedly anti-quated, stuffy clan stuck in the Dark Ages – if Meghan and Harry are to be believed – that they can forgive an outspoken divorcee, left, once photographed having her toes sucked, shows they really are a (relatively) modern family.