If Jeremy Corbyn and Co stick to my New Year’s resolutions, 2017 will be a lot happier
Sun columnist gives the people who run our lives and entertainers some helpful advice for the coming year
YES, it’s that time for New Year's resolutions again.
I am mystified that people can’t stick to important promises they’ve made to themselves.
I always see mine through — it’s called willpower, reader, willpower.
For example, in 2017 I have pledged to drink and smoke slightly more. And also do a little bit less exercise.
OK, it’s a tall order — but I’m going to see it through. I am a determined individual.
Given my success with always sticking to my resolutions (last year it was “laugh whenever you see Jeremy Corbyn and eat more pies”), I thought I’d make some up for the rest of the country.
Mainly the people who run our lives and the entertainers. But also ordinary folk. If they stick to my suggestions we’ll all be a lot happier in 2017. So here goes:
Remoaners: To finally accept that you lost the democratic vote and we’re leaving the EU. And to stop dreaming up devious ways of subverting the public will.
The Islamic State: To go to a quiet bit of desert somewhere and blow themselves up, to show how really radical they are. They can scream “Allahu akbar” as they do it, I don’t mind.
Amber Rudd: Our Home Secretary should try to make prisons a bit less nice for the people inside them, you know? And also try to count the number of people coming into our country every week. Go on love, give it a go.
Paul Gascoigne: To go into a pub at 11am and say: “Hmm, I think I’ll have the J2O today, apple and mango, please.”
Katie Price: To appear in public without getting her vast baps out. Just once will do.
Kelly Brook: To do the opposite of Katie Price. As often as possible.
The Prime Minister: To create a country where people who do the right thing are rewarded. Those who work hard for low pay. Those who save up before they have kids instead of expecting the rest of us to pay for them. Those who look after their homes and communities. Oh, and also, to take us out of the EU, pronto.
Jeremy Corbyn: To take a holiday. You’ve been working too hard, mate. A nice long holiday. I’d suggest somewhere in the region of 36 years. Go somewhere far away, to a place you admire. Cuba, say, or Palestine. And take John McDonnell.
Philip Green: To give back all the money you’ve plundered from companies. And to stop looking so smug and shifty.
Kim Jong-un: To eat more and more cheese until you explode like Mr Creosote in Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.
Luvvie lefties: Like Emma Watson and Benedict Cumberbatch and Michael bloody Sheen. To shut up for five minutes. And stop haranguing the rest of us.
My dog, Jessie: To finally get that cat which comes in the garden. Also, to stop eating s***. And if you can’t stop eating s*** then try not to lick your lips after you’ve eaten it, as if it were really nice.
Angela Merkel: To confess you got everything wrong, have destroyed the EU and wrought havoc in every Western European country. Just for starters.
Donald Trump: To resist the temptation to push that little red button you’ve just been given. I KNOW it’s tempting. But please, mate, just don’t.
And to the rest of you: I hope you have a wonderful and prosperous 2017.
— MY favourite celebrity tweet about poor George Michael’s death?
What about this from Sarah Michelle Gellar, formerly of Buffy fame. “Do you really want to hurt me? I guess you do 2016”, the actress tweeted – adding the hashtag “ripboygeorge”, just to be clear.
Later, when she was put right, she took to Twitter again. To say it was still “sad”.
Yes, Geller, it’s sad. Thank you for informing us. You didn’t know the bloke and clearly thought he was somebody else. But you still felt you had to share your trite half- penn’orth worth.
Nobody famous is allowed to die without the entire sleb world tweeting how sad it all is. They think we care what they think.
And somehow they manage to make the deaths of famous people all about them.
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Time to build a bunker
HOPING it might be a much more friendly and consensual new year?
Don’t bet on it. In the past two weeks no fewer than five countries have been bragging about their nuclear weapons. It’s what, in America, would be called a “p***ing contest”.
First it was the Russkies, via Vladimir Putin – we have better nukes than anyone, said Vlad! Then Donald Trump insisted the USA would make even more, bigger, nukes, so there.
After that, Pakistan and Israel threatened each other with nuclear annihilation, just for fun.
And most recently that mad, fat, dog-munching idiot Kim Jong-un has been warning the world about North Korea’s brilliant nuclear missiles.
Looks like 2017 is going to be fun, fun, fun, doesn’t it?
Best to stay in the shed with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, I reckon.
SCOOP IS SO DATED
HEY! The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg got a scoop!
She discovered that the Queen WAS in favour of Brexit, after all.
“Why can’t we just get out?” the monarch said – BEFORE the referendum.
Well done, Laura. Shame you didn’t report it at the time The Sun reported it – just after the lunch at which she made the comments.
The Sun got into trouble with Buckingham Palace. We even got censured by the press standards monkeys.
But we were dead right then. And happy to say, Laura’s dead right now. Nine months later. Yay.
— A BUNCH of lefties have gone on a march from Germany to Syria to protest about the war there.
“These people are human beings!” they insist. Well OK. But it’s a bit like me going on a 2,000-mile protest march to complain about the dog farting every time guests come round.
All very commendable — but it’s not actually going to change anything, is it? You’d have thought that 2016 would have taught liberals that the world isn’t like they want it to be.
And that no matter how much they carp and complain, that’s not going to change much any time soon.
KISS-MAS IS A DUTY FOR KIDS
SHOULD you force your kids to kiss and hug the rellies when they come over at Christmas and New Year?
A bunch of meddle- some tossers – acad-emics, natch – in New Zealand say no. It’s an invasion of their privacy. And fascistic.
They should be allowed to kiss who they want with no adult interference.
Rubbish. Kids need telling. “That’s Gran over there – go and give her a kiss and a hug, because she loves you.
“Yes, she has the beginnings of a formidable beard and there’s drool coming out of her mouth and she smells of wee.
“But you have a duty – go do it.
“And after that, go and sit on Uncle Jimmy’s knee, like he wants. And never mind about that stuff with the police – that was ages ago.
“He’s totally OK now, I’m certain.”
— FOR the first Christmas ever I watched no TV at all.
Not a single programme over four days. And I wish I could express to you how happier I am as a result.
This was because we took a principled decision not to watch. And also because we couldn’t get the bloody set to work properly.
It just fizzed and started putting up bizarre instructions which none of us could understand. So, no Queen’s Christmas Day message. Not really a loss, was it? She always says the same boring stuff.
If she had any wits about her she’d say what she really meant.
“Let’s leave the European Union this second, re-occupy the rest of Ireland and reinstate the empire.”
All excellent ideas but she never allows herself to say them, does she?
— THE Boxing Day Hunts are out in force this week. Bloodthirsty rich gimps on horseback, wishing they still had the right to tear foxes limb from limb.
And now there are moves to stop the RSPCA bringing prosecutions against these remedial primitives when they DO kill foxes, as happens all too often.
It’s time the police started bringing prosecutions against illegal hunters.
Fox-hunting is a part of our discredited past, like slavery and child labour. It is a foul pastime and it is a shame more of the braying hunters are not done by the courts.
— EATEN too much. My gut feels like a sack of concrete.
I can scarcely get out of the door to take the poor dog for a walk. I love Christmas food – most of it.
Brussels sprouts and turkey and pigs in blankets and bread sauce – I could eat that stuff every day of the week, or until my heart exploded.
But can anyone tell me what you are meant to do with panettone? That’s the huge dry bread with currants and stuff. Apparently it’s a Christmas treat for Italians.
No wonder they’re always angry and ditching their government.
Awful stuff. Mixed with water it might make a decent grout for the bathroom.
Or you could use it sliced as floor tiles, I suppose.
Not all foreign delicacies are necessarily delicious, are they?