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ULRIKA JONSSON
Kerry speaks for all the love-split mums left manning the fort by dads who ran off for a new life
YOU can always rely on Kerry Katona to not mince her words.
What you see is what you get with that gal.
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This week the former Atomic Kitten singer accused her ex-husband, Brian McFadden, of being a “s**t dad” to their two daughters, Molly, 22, and 20-year-old Lilly.
She claims the former Westlife singer signed away the right to pay any maintenance when they divorced in 2006.
McFadden hasn’t responded publicly to the allegations, though he did take to Instagram to wish Molly a happy birthday.
During our time on Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins in 2019, I remember Kerry, who has five children in total with three dads, telling me all about their break-up.
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At the time we bonded over a desperate need to stay alive on the murderous survival course, in the full knowledge that we were trying to make a living for our families.
Kerry’s words will have struck a chord with many mothers out there.
I want to be very clear — this is not a man-bashing rant. It’s not an attempt to tar all fathers with the same brush.
There are some truly brilliant dads out there who are involved in every aspect of their children’s lives.
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There are fathers who insist on going halves on everything, sometimes going even further. And those who dedicate every spare moment they have to being with their children.
I’m not going to applaud them for that — it’s their responsibility and duty. Moreover, it should be their desire to do so.
Just because a couple split, it doesn’t mean a parent can abandon their obligations and loyalties to their children.
However, I know anecdotally that many women and mums go through the same thing as Kerry.
In the vast majority of cases children remain living with the mother when their parents separate.
Often this is for logistical and practical reasons, but also it’s less unsettling for the children.
More often than not it can feel like the dad skips off into the sunset hellbent on creating a new life for himself, pausing from time to time to dip into his children’s lives.
And even when dads are willing and prepared to share their children half of the time, the mother still shoulders the majority of the burdens.
Not only do we get the joys of carrying out the day-to-day domestic chores that come with having kids, but we are their emotional support, we sustain their psychological needs and guide their principles and relationships, and understanding of the world.
Most demanding, perhaps, is that we also have to shoulder their needs and insecurities in their father’s absence.
We are the ones left to explain why there are changes in the routine or why Dad hasn’t been able to turn up.
We strengthen them when they feel weakened by the absence of the other parent, and hardest of all is when we are left to constantly defend the father if he has disappointed.
There are times when we really want to rant about the other parent’s treatment of the child — when they’ve forgotten something that’s important or chosen a new life in place of their own flesh and blood.
Demands increase
But we are forced to defend them because we don’t want to create animosity, nor do we want to poison our child against their dad.
Staying tight-lipped and neutral can be utterly exhausting in itself.
This is what Kerry meant when she talked about Brian moving to Australia after their split and leaving her with the overwhelming responsibility of bringing up their two girls alone.
As women, a lot of our efforts and dedication go largely unnoticed. It’s expected of us.
Few people expect a dad to have the children live with him and, if they do, we mark him out as an outstanding human being.
I remember thinking, when the father of my second child walked out when she was just a couple of weeks old, that she had been abandoned by half of her parents and what on Earth would have happened if I’d done what he did? People would have been outraged.
So, just to say, good on you if you’re a dad who steps up and fulfils your parental duties.
But most of all, can we have some substantial recognition for all the mums out there who shoulder so much more than just finances, but whose emotional and psychological demands increase after a split?
SORRY EXCUSE FOR KISS
CONTROVERSY surrounding that kiss after Spain’s win in the Women’s World Cup Final rumbles on. As it should.
Some say referring to the kiss on player Jenni Hermoso by Spanish FA chief Luis Rubiales as a sexual assault is excessive.
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Others believe that women should not be subjected to such an invasion of space and physicality under the auspices of “the heat of the moment” or a momentary celebration.
It definitely feels as if this is Spain’s #MeToo moment.
The country’s women have quietly endured inequality in many aspects of life and this public event appears to be the straw that has broken the Spanish camel’s back.
I don’t feel it is a good enough excuse to say that there was no grave intent on Rubiales’s part.
The fact remains that launching in for a kiss on the lips, no matter how excited anyone is, is a step too far.
On such a public stage, it was tricky for Hermoso to do anything else but smile and shrug it off.
If we excuse Rubiales’s actions on the basis he was caught up in the furore of the win, then we need to accept she, too, had no time to respond in a way that might reflect her true feelings.
Similar things have happened to me over the years, not always when a flash of excitement could have been the excuse.
What the world would do well to remember is that historically, societally and psychologically, women have been too used to just accepting behaviour and not kicking up a fuss.
It is ingrained in us. We have been trying to unlearn that over the years.
But if we do, then the world also has to be ready to accept that.
If Rubiales had just come out and said he was truly sorry as soon as the incident took place, instead of defiantly claiming he won’t resign, we would not still be talking about the kiss.
Instead, it would all be about the outstanding performance of Spain’s women footballers.
Full marks to Joe for taking Indie out of school
IS there anything Joe Wicks can’t do?
The fitness guru seems to be an all-round good egg. He’s emotionally intelligent, and it sounds like he’s a sublime and dedicated dad of three.
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The fitness coach now plans to take his five-year-old daughter Indie, who has just finished her first year of reception, out of school.
At first, I balked at the thought. School doesn’t suit all children, and some parents are well-equipped to home-school. But it’s a really big ask.
I also worry about children’s socialising when not sent to school. How do they make friends? How do they learn from their peers?
But Joe’s thinking is as sage as his muscles are bulky. He’s only keeping his daughter at home for a year because he just wants a bit more time with her.
He’s right, of course. Our kids are so young when we pack them off to school in this country – just past their fourth birthday. Whereas on the Continent, school doesn’t start until seven in some countries.
It’s heartwarming to hear him talk about providing stability and love for his kids and he needs them to know he will always be there for them.
Joe had a tricky childhood and it has made him acutely aware of children’s needs. “I don’t want to be someone who isn’t present in my children’s lives,” he says.
It’s not always possible for parents to make that happen, due to work commitments.
But starting out with that as your mantra is something to be admired.
MISERY SUMS IT UP
IT was more than just a shambles when the UK air traffic control system went down at the beginning of this week.
I really felt for all those people stranded with babies and young children – and those in need of getting back to the UK for all sorts of urgent reasons.
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But there was also a very small part of me that was thinking, “Well, at least you got a holiday,” while some of us didn’t get a chance to go away. Or couldn’t afford it.
Already it’s September – my nemesis month.
Pretty rotten
I was a summer baby so always struggle at this time of the year, when the season comes to an end.
Except this year, there was really no summer worth mentioning.
We had a weird, rotten spring blighted by too much rain or not enough.
And then much of the summer was, well, overcast.
It was miserable and I feel truly, truly miserable.
Please tell me I’m not alone.
I will be fine once I’m in the full swing of autumn.
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But so far, this year has just been pretty rotten, for both meteorological and personal reasons.
My only hope is that the last four months of 2023 will be the plot twist I never expected.
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