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THERE is no piping aboard, no fluttering ensigns, no bridge, engine room, quarterdeck or even a bow — the Bibby Stockholm is as far from a ship as is possible to get.

It is a 10,000-tonne, 300ft-long hotel with a football pitch, TV rooms and a 24-hour restaurant.

The Bibby Stockholm is sheltered by the vast natural ­barrier of Dorset’s Chesil Beach
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The Bibby Stockholm is sheltered by the vast natural ­barrier of Dorset’s Chesil BeachCredit: Getty
It is a 10,000-tonne, 300ft-long hotel complete with a 24-hour restaurant
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It is a 10,000-tonne, 300ft-long hotel complete with a 24-hour restaurantCredit: AFP
The facility is as far from a ship as is possible to get
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The facility is as far from a ship as is possible to getCredit: AFP

The only thing making it a barge is the fact that it floats.

So the idea that a left-wing charity helped scupper the plan for one migrant to go aboard because he had a fear of water is touching on the absurd.

Having been invited by the Home Office for a tour round the much-delayed facility, you wouldn’t even know you’re on the water.

Unlike the small boats used by 15,000 migrants already this year to cross the English Channel, guests on the Bibby Stockholm do not need life jackets.

READ MORE ON THE Bibby Stockholm

In fact it doesn’t even move or roll with the waves as it is moored firmly by enormous ropes to the quayside of Portland Port which is sheltered by the vast natural ­barrier of Dorset’s Chesil Beach.

On the other side, a huge seawall and breakwater fort encloses the harbour in a calm lagoon.

Protected from the prevailing winds and tides, it has long been used by sailors to shelter from a rough Channel storm.

After walking up Bibby Stockholm’s gangplank, fenced off to stop anyone going over, you could be in any budget hotel.

Yes, the bedrooms have wonderful views across Weymouth Bay to the chalk cliffs of the Jurassic Coast, but I don’t think anyone has ever got queasy just by looking at the sea.

The two large recreation areas - one for sports and one for relaxation - are enclosed on all sides.

The refugee charity Care4Calais delighted in telling everyone that it had stopped 20 migrants from reaching the barge yesterday.

One may have had a valid fear of the water but what reason was there for the other 19?

Has the charity’s CEO Steve Smith even visited it?

As Tory MP Lee Anderson said: “I’ve been to the camp in Calais and, compared to that, this is five-star luxury.”

Some 500 young men will eventually be homed on HMB (His Majesty’s Barge) Bibby Stockholm.

Guests can get a free hourly bus ride to Weymouth, voted the best beach in Britain, and hailed for its “litter-free sands” against a picturesque Georgian backdrop.

If they’re late getting back, they can call for a free taxi on the mobile phone they have been given.

With only £9.58-a-week pocket money, visitors might need to eat on board the barge rather than in the local restaurants and cafes.

Luckily the canteen offers a varied menu including steak and stir fries, plus round-the-clock soup, bread, coffee and tea.

Some of the charities opposing the barge best check none of the new residents has a fear of fish, as that is served with chips.

One migrant who popped into Weymouth yesterday described the food as better than in the hotels they had been staying in.

Protesters from “No to the Barge” have voiced concerns that the ­asylum-seekers will hang around the town with nothing to do. But on board, they can take classes or chill out in TV rooms and a meditation and prayer suite.

They can also work out with gym equipment as well as play basketball, football and volleyball on a dedicated sports pitch.

Residents will not be subjected to fire drills in case it is triggering for those from war zones.

There is also a sick bay staffed by nurses and an on-call doctor.

A spokeswoman for Landry & Kling, the private company which runs the barge, said: “The aim is to keep them mentally and physically active. We have more services on this site than you’d get in a hotel.”

Meanwhile, the people of Portland — one of the most deprived areas in the country — feel like they have had their noses put out of joint.

One community member faced a lashing from the luvvie left after suggesting donations of food and toiletries should go to those on the breadline in Portland itself.

For charities like Care4Calais to have the gall to suggest that the Bibby Stockholm is “inhumane” is nonsense.

Yes, the bedrooms may be small. Landry & Kling has doubled the capacity since it was used as oil riggers’ accommodation by putting bunk beds in each.

And there is no TV, or tea and coffee-making facilities in the rooms.

Let’s be clear — this is not meant to be the Ritz.

READ MORE SUN STORIES

But it is also not a “prison ship” as some have described.

It is a 21st-century floating hotel taking the pressure off the crowded inland accommodation and saving the taxpayer thousands.

The bedrooms have wonderful views across Weymouth Bay
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The bedrooms have wonderful views across Weymouth BayCredit: PA
The canteen offers a varied menu including steak and stir fries, plus round-the-clock soup, bread, coffee and tea
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The canteen offers a varied menu including steak and stir fries, plus round-the-clock soup, bread, coffee and teaCredit: PA
It also boats a football pitch and TV rooms
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It also boats a football pitch and TV roomsCredit: PA
The Bibby Stockholm is not a 'prison ship' as some have described
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The Bibby Stockholm is not a 'prison ship' as some have describedCredit: AFP
The barge also has conference rooms
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The barge also has conference roomsCredit: AFP
Migrants can also work out with gym equipment
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Migrants can also work out with gym equipmentCredit: AFP
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