The most amazing thing in the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here jungle? Wayne Bridge… it’s not you
This year's campmates made prime-time TV gold into something which became a chore to watch
THERE are certain places it would’ve been perfectly acceptable for ex-footballer Wayne Bridge to make a heartfelt plea for privacy, last week.
One would’ve been his house. Another would’ve been a family holiday on a remote island.
But a third definitely wasn’t a prime-time reality show surrounded by 44 cameras and ten million viewers.
Appear in those surroundings, then you’re probably not the sort of person who “likes to keep himself to himself”.
Such is the new way of things, though, on I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here! which, over 16 series, has gone from being my favourite television show to a regular disappointment to something that without Ant & Dec’s links would be a total chore.
Any hope this year might break the pattern ended the moment Jordan Banjo arrived, on day one, exclaiming: “Here I am, looking like a waiter from Chiquito.”
Because, for all most of us knew, Jordan Banjo was actually a waiter from Chiquito who, like almost everyone else, had nothing to lose from appearing on ITV’s biggest reality show.
So, with Scarlett Moffatt already installed as the network’s preferred winner, not even the presence of a wonderful irritant like Martin Roberts could stop what followed turning into the most predictable, well-fed, sickly sweet and uneventful jungle series of them all.
Week one, the main talking point was Ant’s beard until the Homes Under The Hammer manchild appeared and stirred things up with Danny Baker.
By week two, though, it was forgotten. The celebrities had bonded and were busy lavishing their “amazing” campmates with some jaw-dropping praise.
“I don’t use the term lightly, Carol Vorderman’s a living legend,” said Larry Lamb, using the term very lightly indeed.
He also thought Jordan Banjo was “the most extraordinary human being I’ve ever met in my life”.
And Larry’s met the cast of Triangle, so it’s not like he’s led a sheltered existence or just got a bit carried away with his new friends.
Aside from one minor spat with Martin, though, there was never any let-up with things campmates found “amazing”.
To the point that, throughout the final week, just about all they could say was: “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever done.”
As it would be, if you’re more used to working at Chiquito or waiting for The One Show to ring.
Nothing much new here, of course. There have been 16 other “amazing” series which were nearly as harmonious and dull.
What has changed, however, is that a generation has now grown up watching I’m A Celeb and, consciously or not, knows how to play its loveable-underdog-on-a-tearful-journey game.
That’s possibly why Wayne Bridge was moaning about his privacy to 44 cameras and Sam Quek accused the media of promoting sportswomen on the basis of their looks, even though I’d defy anyone to explain her presence on I’m A Celeb, ahead of all the other GB field hockey players, without mentioning the fact she’s stunning.
The youngsters have also clearly sussed that if you spend enough time in the Bush Telegraph you turn from a contestant into the show’s narrator.
There were well over 500 visits this series, with by far the most prolific being the funny, endearing and whip-smart Scarlett Moffatt, who was in it an incredible 104 times.
Vicky Pattison aside, everyone at ITV will no doubt be thrilled it helped her to victory.
I might have been vaguely pleased too if it had been a vaguely entertaining run and Dec wasn’t still keeping up the network’s facade of neutrality, describing it as “a very hard series to call”, just before the final ITV2 show opened up his winner prediction envelope.
“Scarlett.”
Amazing . . .
I'm A Celebrity quote of the week: “We’ve got to pass the time somehow. So what better way than a panto,” said Scarlett Moffatt on Monday November 28, 2016 . . . 2017, 2018, 2019, etc.
Schedule clash of the week: The Boy Who Can't Stay Awake/EastEnderzzz
Dillon lost it at coral
How best to measure the competence of this year’s Apprentice candidates?
Probably by the Japanese jeans marketing exercise, which had His Lordship fuming: “They’re both useless. I’m not putting my name to either of those campaigns.”
And he’s put his name to the Amstrad emailer, so you know we must be at an all-time low with this lot.
A verdict that’s unlikely to have been much changed by last week’s video game development task, where Courtney teed up Jessica to deliver the bad news to Nebula’s project manager Trishna.
“The name of our game is . . .”
“Gordon’s Lost His Badger.”
And that, believe it or not, was the winning team.
The losing entry was Coral Boy, which was some ha’penny shove, under-water b******s dreamed up by the camp and endlessly useless Dillon, who was just about to get the boardroom heave-ho when he revealed he was in fact “a gay man”, from a small town, who had overcome “a lot of adversity”.
A bold and touching plea for mercy that wasn’t met with a great deal of surprise, but did get the best response available.
“Dillon, you’re fired.”
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
(Compiled by Graham Wray.)
Think tank planks of the week
Bill Turnbull: “Which stately Gloucestershire home gave its name to a racket sport?”
Lucy: “Tennis.”
Bill Turnbull: “Pilsner lager takes it name from a city in which present-day country?”
Pete: “Ireland.”
Ah yes, dear old Pilsner, down there in County Budweiser.
TV GOLD
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Satire's dead as Castro
A treat for most viewers that BBC1 chose to begin Friday night with a vintage Fawlty Towers tribute to the late Andrew Sachs.
But very cruel on all the evening’s other “comedies”, which included the great Harry Enfield slumming it on Citizen Khan and the great Harry Enfield slumming it on Walliams & Friend.
Either side of the latter show, of course, we had Channel 4’s The Last Leg and another perfectly dreadful edition of Have I Got News For You, where guests and regulars picked off some cannon fodder from Ukip (tough target, boys), then used the death of Fidel Castro to have a dig at America.
And if you still nursed any doubts all television satire speaks with the same complacent, right- on voice, they would have been removed first by HIGNFY host Tom Hollander.
“It’s said the CIA made 638 assassination attempts on Castro, so let’s play a game of assassination attempt true or false.”
And then an hour later, by The Last Leg’s Adam Hills.
“I’m going to read out some assassination attempts on Castro. Your job is to work out whether they were from the CIA . . . ”
Or, just like everything else on Channel 4 and the BBC, a smug, lazy and utterly predictable comedy unit.
Lookalike
This week’s £69 winner is the new Liberal Democrat MP for Richmond Park, Sarah Olney, and some sort of cartoon Jabberwock thing.
Sent in by Geoffrey Flanell. Picture research: Amy Reading.
Mystic Moron (Part 73,428): Good Morning Britain, November 30, 6.55am, Piers: “I’ve got a feeling Carol Vorderman may nick it ’cos she’s coming into her own now, getting more airtime.”
November 30, 9.45pm, Ant: “The fifth person to leave I’m A Celebrity 2016 is . . . Carol.”
Er, boom.
About 15 minutes into last night’s Tour de Celeb, Made In Chelsea’s Hugo Taylor suddenly announced: “I’m off to Monaco tomorrow and I’m definitely not cycling.
“I’m going to celebrate my birthday, drink rose, eat foie gras and be a slut.”
At which point, I hardly need add, betting was also suspended on all C*** Of The Year awards
Ball & Boe: One Night Only (Friday, ITV, 9pm). Be warned. Ball & ache.