Kids identifying as cats? I’ve got just the remedy – but woke teachers who encourage this deluded nonsense won’t like it

I am a cat.

No, seriously.

I know this may sound ridiculous, but I really do feel feline.

Six months ago, I became a pet-owner again for the first time since I was teenager, taking in two Burmese kittens named Dennis and Bobby (after Bergkamp and Pires, for any Arsenal fan readers).

And slowly but surely, I’ve come to realise that I’m exactly like them.

I snack a lot, enjoy regular naps, have higher than average intelligence, am constantly curious and inquisitive, can be borderline obsessive when it comes to cleanliness, display very habitual behavioural traits but am also prone to moments of reckless impetuosity, have a natural-born predatory instinct when it comes to attacking rivals, and everywhere I go, people want to stroke my chin and call me cute.

So yes, for all intents and purposes, I identify as a cat.

There’s just one problem: I’m a human being.

Much as I’d like to enjoy all the benefits of being a cat – 20 hours sleep a day, meals straight on the table whenever I cry, no taxes, zero responsibility for anyone but myself – I can’t, because I’m not in fact a cat.

But if I attended Rye College in East Sussex then such tedious biological discrepancies wouldn’t matter.

In fact, I wouldn’t just be acknowledged as a cat, anyone else in the school who declined to do so would be branded ‘despicable’ by teachers.

Again, I’m not joking.

A jaw-dropping tape recording emerged yesterday of a conversation between students and a woke teacher at the College after one of the kids refused to accept a classmate’s claim that she identified as a cat, and expressed the personal view that there are only two genders.

In the clip, the teacher starts by saying, ‘How dare you, you’ve just really upset someone’ by ‘questioning their identity.’

One student replied: ‘If they want to identify as a cat or something then they are genuinely unwell – crazy.’

The furious teacher then lectured the young girls: ‘Gender is not linked to the parts that you were born with, gender is how you identify…. there are lots of genders – there is transgender, there is a gender who are people who don’t believe that they have a gender at all.’

The student disagrees, telling the teacher: ‘If you have a vagina, you’re a girl, and if you have a penis, you’re a boy.’

To which the enraged teacher snaps back: ‘You are talking about the fact that cisgender is the norm, that you identify with the sexual organ you were born with. That’s basically what you’re saying, which is really despicable.’

Sorry, WHAT?

A student correctly saying that only girls have vaginas, and only boys have penises, is ‘despicable’ - a word that means ‘deserving to be hated or despised’?

What utter nonsense.

The only despicable thing about this exchange is the response of this pathetic excuse for a teacher who then warns: ‘You need to have a proper educational conversation about equality, diversity, and inclusion because I’m not having that expressed in my lesson. If you don’t like it, you need to go to a different school.’

I strongly suggest it’s the teacher who should leave, and not to any other school where she can wield such horrifying woke gender ideology over impressionable children.

Incredibly, this is not some very rare one-off event.

A shocking new investigation by the Daily Telegraph revealed that all over Britain, schoolchildren have taken to identifying as animals and other random non-human things.

One pupil at a secondary school in the South West apparently insists on being addressed as a dinosaur. At another England secondary school, a pupil demands to identify as a horse. Another wears a cape and says they are a moon.

And there are more cats.

A student at a Welsh secondary school spoke of a fellow pupil who ‘feels very discriminated against if you do not refer to them as ‘catself.’ She told the Telegraph: ‘When they answer questions, they meow rather than answer a question in English. And the teachers are not allowed to get annoyed about this because it’s seen as discriminating.’

Ironically, as I read this, I began to hiss and bare my feline fangs in fury.

What in God’s name is going on at our schools?

Why the hell are these teachers tolerating this deluded nonsense?

Where are the parents of these kids who’ve adopted such brain-warped thinking?

Watch Piers Morgan Uncensored weekdays on Sky 522, Virgin Media 606, Freeview 237, Freesat 217 or on Fox Nation in the US

As I’ve repeatedly cautioned on my show,, this is where the ludicrous science-denying concept of limitless self-identity takes us a society.

It’s what’s led to 6ft 4in biological males claiming to be women so they can dominate women’s sport and male rapists identifying as women to get put into women’s prisons.

Now, this woke virus has infected our education system and nobody seems willing or able to stand up to it.

Enough!

The next time a child identifies as a cat at school, they should be told that as a mark of respect for their new identity, they will be taken out of the classroom and put in a large cage with other actual cats who want to scratch and bite them all day long, they’ll be given water and Whiskas tuna chunks for lunch, taken for walks on leads at break time, and must use a litter tray for a toilet.

Trust me, they’ll be re-identifying as humans again by teatime.